A of All

Dynamite Hack

2011-09-07T22:11:00.003-04:00

Some of you might think that I am advocating hemorrhoid medicine all of the sudden. But it's not true. I don't care if you have hemorrhoids. And I certainly don't care how you treat them.

However, my email seems to think that everyone I know wants hemorrhoid medicine, or to know how to live without eczema, or to feel the energy of man power. And so I spammed you. Accidentally. Or on purpose if your the bastard that hacked my account and sent out random emails.

The up side of this was that I got a lot of nice emails back from people I haven't spoken to for a while. I also got a couple of dinner invites out of the deal. Saaweeeeet!

But the best part about the whole thing was the response I got back from my realtor. She's the sweetest lady, but this response to "my" email is hilarious.

"My" email:
Forget about hemorrhoids! . http://bigfakeaddress.com

Her reply:
That is great! Nice to hear from you!!!

Homework

2011-09-07T01:00:00.003-04:00

With all of my free time I'm trying to do a little creative writing. Nothing y'all are ever going to get to see, but just greasing the old wheels. Anyway, this writing book says that at the end of each day I'm supposed to write down what was worth writing about today. So, since I need to blog and the muse isn't striking me - you're going to get my homework.

1. I had a serious case of the Mondays today, which is a bummer since it's a Tuesday. I was dreading, dreading, DREADING going to work. But I drug myself there, and much to my surprise, when I actually looked at what I had on my calendar it actually turned out to be a pretty light and relatively easy day. I used up all that dreading for nothing.

2. I'm back on my diet of fruit smoothie for breakfast, salads for lunch and shrimp/mango/avocado tacos for dinner. I love that diet - it's delicious and has like 14 calories. Not like the Burger King I ate yesterday. They post the calories on the fast food signs in California (where I was yesterday) and let me tell you those numbers made me want to binge and purge right there on the linoleum.

3. I watched Raising Hope tonight. I don't watch TV much anymore, and boy oh boy that show is hilarious. My favorite part of the episode was when Bert called yoga "Slow Karate." Awesome.

4. All day I've been thinking of this quote from the book Please Ignore Vera Dietz: "All his theme songs are in minor chords." Love. That.

Perhaps not much really worth writing about today .... but I'm just doing as I'm told.

I'm Hooked on Phonics

2011-08-30T23:51:00.003-04:00

Something weird just happened. I sat down to write this post and I had Michael Jackson playing, and I had to turn it DOWN because I couldn't CONCENTRATE.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really? Turning MJ down? That's disturbing to the very core.

Holy shit, I'm getting old.

So anyway, now that I've got the Lawrence Welk Singers going at a nice quiet hum, let's get blogging.

Alright, so yes, I've moved to Scottsdale, AZ. On the surface this looks like the behavior of a crazy person. I'd lived in DC for 11 years and I loved it. I mean LOVED IT. I loved the city, I loved the hustle and bustle, I loved the green forests, I loved it all. But the weird thing about DC is that it's a very transitory place which means that people are always coming and going. Well, one day I turned around and I noticed that instead of coming and going people had just been going.

I had just a small handful of very dear friends left in the city. And faced with the reality that I would need to embark on the horror called "make new friends" in a city where I was very comfortable, well I knew I wouldn't do it. I would hang out with my friends, stay in on the weekend, and go to all of my favorite and comfortable haunts and stay firmly within the confines of my comfort zone. I'm very similar to a baby bird when it comes to making friends. If you don't push me out of the nest, I'll just hang out and get fed by my mom (or in this case California Tortilla). I'm stupid lazy.

And then this opportunity with my job came up to transfer to Arizona. And I thought ... Could I?

Well, there were a lot of pros:

Aforementioned necessity to start over, but this time without the safety net of a comfort zone.
Most of my family is in the west, including my brother who's here in Phoenix.
Uh, the entire state is on sale, so I could live like a sultan

And so I did it.

I started coming out in April, promptly bought a house, had my stuff shipped out, and moved in the first week of July.

And, well, I have to say, I really like it here. I am totally shocked by how taken I've been with the beauty of the desert. Before when people would ask me what I thought of Phoenix, my response would be something like this, "It's a very beige strip mall." Which is still true, but I see beauty now in the mountains, and the colors of the desert. It's really something.

The other thing I really like about AZ is how damn easy it is to live here. I'm not even talking about the cost of living - which is pretty phenom. I'm talking about errands. And driving. And the amount of hours one is expected to work in a given day. I can tell you, I just about had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I went to Home Depot on a Saturday morning and the joint was a ghost town. Unless you have a death wish you do not go to Home Depot on the weekend in DC - that's just crazy talk. And traffic? Puh-lease!! All of these straight wide streets that have maybe, maybe a 10 minute back up on them. It's like fantasy driving.

So moving here is really improving my quality of life. I've purchased a beautiful home which I love. I'm cooking my meals and exercising. And I find that I have a brand new commodity: spare time. Unfortunately, I have NO IDEA what to do with it.

I mean, seriously, tonight I've already come home from work, eaten dinner, finished a book, checked facebook, installed some upgrades to my laptop, gone swimming, and posted this blog and it's only 9:30. What the hell am I supposed to do with all of that time? The thought of TOMORROW night is more than I can bear.

No doubt I will turn to you, internets, for guidance on what the eff I should do with my time. My fun personality traits of indecision and ADHD will make it an extra fun exercise for us to do together!

Oh and by the way, since I know you will ask, I AM enjoying the heat, thankyouverymuch. It doesn't bother me a bit. I'm always in the air conditioning. But if I do happen to be outside and I get hot, then I go in the shade. Then I'm not hot. It's a miracle! DC was much more miserable than this.

Wherin I need a decorator

2011-08-20T21:08:00.011-04:00

Hola peeps!

So as I alluded in my last post there's been some moving and shaking lately. Well, more moving than shaking if truth be told.

I've moved to Scottsdale, AZ! I'd love to go into the details of how, when, and for the love of all that's holy, WHY!? but I've got decorating to do and I need your advice. So we'll get into the back story later. For now, let's focus on the dilemma at hand.

So.

My living room.

I was out shopping today in some of the vintage stores in PHX, and I found this bench:

Here's a little zoom in on the top, center:

Dimensions: 14" h x 24" d x 7' w

I thought it was pretty cool looking. Minimal, but solid, made of beautiful material. And I started thinking ... What if, instead of the traditional two chairs configuration, I used this bench and separated it into two sitting areas with cushions. At one end it could have a big fatty of a lamp, in between the "seats" a plant or magazines or something. And plenty of cushions to lean back onto.

Kind of unusual.

But I think it might be super cool.

This is where you come in, internets. I need your help. Put on your design glasses, and let me know what you think.

So here's what we're working with:

Location, Location, Location!

This is the window I'm thinking of putting this bench in front of. I love my view - there's a river (aka canal) and running path out there. I like to watch people come and go on it. And I like to see the water and all of the nature. So, if possible, I'd rather not block the view. I'm thinking the low profile of this bench might work well in that it will provide optional seating, without blocking the view with high or bulky chairs.

This is my new couch - which I am in serious love with. You will need to imagine that the walls are painted some beautiful rich yet to be determined color, so this couch will pop off the wall and scream, "SIT ON ME (But only if you aren't dirty and don't have a lot of hair gel)!!" In a future post we'll talk wall colors. (I'm thinking grass green ... but you know me, as long as its not a neutral I'm open.)

Styling:

Now, here are some potential pieces to style this bench. Possible cushions to create the "seats" (which will hopefully be in a cooler color - like a royal blue or something.) And there'd be a bunch of colorful, complementary cushions to lean on as well.

An AWESOME lamp I found today. Since the bench is so low (only 14") I want a tall lamp to anchor it. This dude is wicked cool. It doesn't hurt that the tag on it says, "Cool Fat Ass Lamp." I'd buy it just for that. (There's only one - do I need a pair??)

I mean, seriously. Look at this glaze!

Then, get a green shag rug, a round glass coffee table, and a yet to be determined chair, shown below in yellow, and the layout would look something like this:

So? What do you think? Should I break the rules and do a bench instead of two chairs in front of my window? Do I need two lamps - one on either side? (If so, should they match?) Is it sketchy to have to lean against the windows - I mean, there will be back cushions, but if you're really lazy your head could touch the window. Is that a no-no? Am I totally mental for thinking to do this?

Alright. Send me your thoughts, comments, criticisms. And, Go!

Wherin I have a Broken Heart

2011-07-11T00:33:00.006-04:00

Name: Charles
Description: Beloved stuffed penguin
Age: 24 years old
Last seen: the rumpled bed at a fine hotel in Scottsdale, AZ

He's lost! My most treasured and oldest possession is lost! I am beside myself.

I know you all think that my the only inanimate friend in my life is Mustard. But no. Long before Mustard there was Charles. And now ... Charles is LOST!! It's really probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I'm NOT KIDDING.

Think of it like this: If my life were Toy Story (and let's face it, I really do secretly believe that all inanimate objects have secret lives when I'm not around), Charles is Woody and Mustard is Buzz. So while Buzz is funny and weird and oh so hilarious to write about in a blog, it's Woody that is the heart of the operation. Charles is like that. He's stable, and understanding, and lets me cry on his shoulder and use him as a neck pillow. He's cool like that. As long as I'm happy, his crinkly little eyes are still happy.

Since I was twelve, Charles has been there for it all. In the montage flashback, in addition to the sappy hugging and eskimo kisses that go without saying between a girl and her stuffed penguin, these are the images you'd see :

Throwing him up in the air by his little wings doing flips and twists in the Penguin Olympics
Performing "Electric Charles" - a static electricity light show that was popular during my college years
Riding shotgun during many roadtrips, serving as Co-Pilot and Navigator
Arriving in a cramped shoebox in Santiago, Chile. My Mom sent him to me because I was so home sick. He single-handedly saved me from a nervous break down.
Listening patiently while I cry and rant about one thing or another ... men, or work, or well ok, mostly work.

When I started this three month hotel stay, I brought Charles with me as a little piece of home. I checked in and out of about 15 hotels as I bounced across the country. Yesterday I checked out of the last one and went to go get the keys to the home I have purchased. The journey was over! And as I was unpacking the 3 suitcases I've been living out of I suddenly realized that I hadn't packed him. He had been left in the bed. I HAD LEFT CHARLES!! No mother who left her child at a gas station has felt worse than I did. Well, I didn't even think twice before grabbing my keys and driving to the hotel. A phone call just wouldn't do.

But no luck. They couldn't find him. I'm still holding out hope, calling every day ... but you know know the stats. If they don't find missing people within 24 hours the chances diminish significantly. I'm sure that the maid just thought he was so damn cute she had to keep him.

I'm brokenhearted. And yeah, I'm too old to still have a stuffed animal. And you gotta cut the cord some time. But I can't believe I am starting over in a new city, and I don't have my most constant companion to begin my new adventure with me. I love that little guy.

I'm sad.

To the low pressure system in Rio de Janeiro: You're on Notice!

2010-11-10T22:15:00.005-05:00

Remember back when I said that I had 4 months to get ready for my trip? Remember how that felt like a REALLY long time? Plenty of time to procrastinate and STILL have lots of time to get ready.

Yeah.

Procrastinating sort of dominated the last 3.5 months.

Here we are just one week away from departure date. As a matter of fact, my plane to Rio will be leaving right about now next Wednesday night. If I'm as sleepy then as I am now (and the 2 Tylenol PM earmarked for the occasion will ensure that I am) then I will have no trouble snoozing away at least half of the 14 hour flight.

I am getting crazy excited to go. The countdown is absolutely on. Especially now that we've entered into Weather.com's 10 day forecast range. So far looks like it's a titch more on the rainy side than my travel brochures promised. BETTER STEP IT UP RIO!! I'm coming and I expect to do some serious sun bathing on your famous beaches. You would be well advised to not disappoint me.

Some Thoughts While My Beets Cook

2010-11-02T22:18:00.004-04:00

I put some beets in to roast about two hours ago and there they are ... still a-roastin. While I wait for them to be easily piercable, I figured I might as well share some of the random thoughts that have been rattlin' around the old bean.

First of all, and while we're on the topic of beets, which I have an unbounded love for, I'm reminded that I also have an unbounded love for buying any vegetables at all from a farmers market. Cooking and eating them I'm not so fond of. But buying! Buying from the farmers market is so satisfying. With any luck I'll actually eat what I bought this week: Wax beans, zucchini, beets, arugula, mesclun greens, and some honeycrispalicious Honeycrisp apples. If not, meh, I can always buy some more next week. I can hardly wait!

Second of all, my Halloween weekend was Phenom. I went back to my old stompin ground in Capitol Hill to do my farmer's market shopping before the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. The rally was great! It was a good old-fashioned DC Crowd Feeling Event. We could hear and see (mostly), the weather was perfect, our neighbors were friendly, and the crowd in general was good humored and unfailingly polite. A finer rally has rarely been had. Plus I got to see Ozzy and Kid Rock in concert ... two things I could have sworn on my dead aunt Ethel's grave would never happen. To tell the truth, I wouldn't have been sad if they'd had more Ozzy and less Kid.

The rest of my Halloween weekend was full of parties where I wore my Supergirl costume. It was a pretty awesome costume and a pretty awesome weekend, if I say it myself.

I think my beets are almost done, so I have just one more thought before I wrap up. The other day it was just a normal day. I went shopping to get some hiking shoes for my trip. After I got my shoes I was wandering around the outdoor shopping center. I had been craving the shrimp roll at Coastal Flatts for quite some time, so since I was right there, was a bit peckish, and didn't have a reason to not eat an early dinner, I decided to give into my craving. It was great! Diet coke. Cornbread. Fries with salt. All my favorite things! Afterward, not having much on my agenda I decided I'd see a movie across the way. While I waited for it to start, I sat on a sunny bench and read a really great book. As I was sitting there I thought to myself how much I was enjoying my day. And I reflected that I get to have these types of days pretty regularly. In fact, a day in which I get to do all of the things I want to do, and none of the things I don't want to is pretty typical for me. (The stacks of mail and less than pristine apartment alone attest to this fact). I'm pretty lucky that way, and it occurred to me that instead of being jealous or at the very least slightly wistful looking at the couples out enjoying their day, that I was the one that they (or at least someone, somewhere) should probably be jealous of. I don't want to be like, oh I'm so fab and you should think I'm the bee's knees, but I, we, all of us spend a lot of time thinking about the bad parts of our lives or how our jeans don't fit quite the way we want them to, or how we're not part of a couple on a beautiful afternoon and it just gets to be a habit. So it was a nice sojourn for a little while on my side of the fence where the grass is pretty damn green.

Wherein I am TOTALLY SKEEVED Out

2010-08-26T22:26:00.003-04:00

What's it called when you just have to write stuff out to get it out of your system? As like therapy? You know for traumatic events? Is there an official name for that?

If there is, then that's what this post is going to be. Because I am traumatized, friends.

TRAUMA-TIZED!

I am still in this weird city of Austin (thank goodness I'm leaving tomorrow I can't handle anymore weirdness!) and well, let me tell you what happened.

I went to get dinner at this place that has a bunch of food carts in an dirt parking lot. A taco-like place, BBQ, Cupcakes, and some other stuff. (Including this Vietnam Vet musician dude that drives a truck with a skeleton in the passenger seat and "RIP Ministries" written on the door. This is a weird city.) So I get my taco-y thing --tortilla, chicken, coleslaw concoction-- and a fancy root beer in a bottle. I wolf down my meal and decide to get a cupcake to gorge on in the privacy of my hotel room.

So I walk to the end of the strip sipping on my root beer. I order my cupcake and as I'm walking away I start thinking, "I ate so fast I bet I had a bunch of crap stuck in my teeth - ew! Like Totally EMBARRASSING!" So while I walk back to my car I pick my teeth a little bit and suck on them, you know, to get it all squeaky clean.

Then I take a drink of my root beer. And there's something crunchy.

First thought: "Woah! How did I backwash something this big? I'm not a backwasher."

Second thought: "I bet I dripped some of the coleslaw from my taco into my bottle."

Third thought: "Dripping coleslaw into a bottle would be hard. AHHH! Must have been stuck in my teeth."

Fourth thought: "That's a HUGE thing to have stuck in my teeth! The cupcake man must have been laughing his face off at the enormous cabbage leaf stuck in my teeth."

At this point, I decided I needed to examine how embarrassing the Food In Teeth scenario was and I pull out the crunchy thing I'd been chewing while I had all of the above thoughts. And when I pulled it out and looked what did I see?

A BEE!!

I had been chewing on a BEE! I'm totally skeeved out about it. I'm not alergic, and it definitely wasn't alive when it went in. But still! GROOOOOSSSSS.

I bet it flew into my bottle of root beer (attracted by it's sugar cane deliciousness) and drowned a quick death. And then I gulped it in and started noshing away. Blaaaaaa! I want to scrub my mouth with turpentine and a wire brush.

I was so freaked out and distracted on the drive to the hotel I ended up totally lost and 20 miles out of my way.

I hope my insurance covers Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I definitely need it. BLLLLLAHHHHH!

Two Derbies Both Alike in Dignity (and Awesomeness)

2010-08-26T21:56:00.003-04:00

Last weekend I went to the Demolition Derby. You KNOW I love the derby, right?

I Do.

I love it super-duper style.

Well. At least I thought I loved it as much as I possibly could. This year's visit included the usual perks:

Corn Dogs
Car Fires
Mullets

All of the things I love.

But now, I have to add MORE things to this list, because this year we also had a car run THROUGH the jersey barrier and CRASH INTO and COLLAPSE the sound system. And a wheel FALL COMPLETELY OFF of a car, only to later IMPALE another car and kill it. Dead. sa-WEEET!

In the world of Demolition Derby it really does not get better than that, friends.

But why go to one derby in a weekend when you can go to TWO?!

I had the good luck to go to Texas and while I was there I went and saw the Texecutioner Rockin-RollerDerby Girls final bout. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

When the mascot/MC was circling the ring in skin-tight white jeans and a blood stained tuxedo shirt waving a running chainsaw and screaming, "TEXAS! TEXAS!" and we all screamed "KILL! KILL! KILL!". Well, that was when I knew going to the RollerDerby was the coolest thing I could have possibly done with my evening.

I *kinda* understood the rules. But I wasn't really there for the rules. I was there for the fights, and the skates to the face, and the costumes. And of course the Frito Pie! I was definitely there for the Frito Pie!

Wherein Heat Stroke Renders Me Unshockable

2010-08-26T21:12:00.004-04:00

Last Sunday I was spending some time exploring Austin, TX when a couple of weird things happened. For the most part this visit followed the usual weekend-away format:

Find the yummiest brunch spot in the city
Visit something naturey like a park or botanical garden
See any noteworthy attractions or monuments
Snack-style lunch
Walk the streets and get a feel for the people, architecture, etc.
Boutique shopping in the trendy/spendy parts of town
Fancy Dinner somewhere fabulous
Wrap up the night with a film or something unique to the area. Or in some cases veg in the hotel. Depends.

Well, I was mid-way through number two on the itinerary when I decided that I was WAY to tired to proceed any further until I'd had a nap. So much for "Get an early start on the day, what! what!"

If you don't know me very well, let me just tell you that when I need a nap it is Serious Business. I will generally just lay down wherever I am (as long as it isn't likely that I'll be arrested or get some sort of skin disease) and snooze away. Until I've napped my fill and then I'll just get up and carry on as if nothing had interrupted me.

Anyway, I desperately needed a nap. So I decided to drive downtown to my next stop on the tour, take a little nap, and then carry on with the day. So I did. I parked in the shade near the Capitol and proceeded to take an hour nap. And yes, it was 100+ degrees in Austin that day. And yes, I had the windows up. And yes, if I had been a dog my owner would have been fined 2 million dollars and suspended from the NFL. But when I need a nap I don't always think things through.

So after about an hour of snoozing in the hot car I woke up. And lo and behold, walking in front of my car was a protest. Fifty or so men and women were marching to get equality for women to go topless. There they were: Men Boobs and Women Boobs strolling by my front window. Just like that. Boobs galore!

The weirdest thing about this was how NOT weird it was. Maybe I was just disoriented from my sauna-nap, but as I sat there watching the nipple-parade I was like, "Hmm. Boobs." But I wasn't outraged or grossed out or shocked by seeing women with no tops on walking up Congress Street. As a matter of fact, after I stumbled out of the car and down the street to get a cool soda it was so hot I must admit that stripping to the waist was pretty darn tempting. And despite never having considered that as a cool-down option before I almost did it! When in Rome, right!?

But then I got some cold sugary fluids into my system and my reason was restored. And consequently Austin was spared, er, I mean, DENIED that vision.

TIE Count Down

2010-08-01T22:44:00.004-04:00

I have 4 months to get this bucket of bolts in good enough shape to not die on my vacation.

The last couple of weeks have been tough. Two weeks ago I started out strong. Working out. Eating well. But then I went to Texas. And however good Texas food is for the tastebuds, is tremendously BAD for the waist line. And the ghetto-ass hotel I was in on some forelorn highway wasn't offering many work-out options that didn't involve death. So there were some setbacks.

And then last week, even though I was back home, I had very little success. I went to what was perhaps the most worthless yoga class of my life. And then Chick-Fil-A and I started a whirlwind romance.

But now.

Now, it's time to get serious. I went to the gym today to do a little circuit weight training and some cardio. And what I learned was that I am a weak, weak, WEAK girl. I need to get stronger, or I will surely die a painful death in the jungles of Brazil.

Since shame is the only motivator that has any sway for me, I've added a little work-out widget to my blog. Periodically, I'm also going to update this blog with some of the more gory details. We are all in this together!!

Time to go from this:

To THIS:

Single Handedly Changing My Morning Outlook

2010-08-01T19:21:00.005-04:00

Every May I go to the National Cathedral Flower Mart. It's this Medieval festival transported to the twentieth century. Complete with folk dancers, market stalls, and oh, yes, chocolate covered strawberries. DARK chocolate covered strawberries. I love to go to the Flower Mart!

I normally don't buy craft or hand-made type items (it's not really my style) but this year I was going a little crazy and was just buying things to buy them. I bought a couple of blouses (so cute, and wearing the hell out of them), some hair clips, two soup mixes (still to be used), and a Mint flavored honey.

I wasn't sure what to do with the mint honey. So I started by slathering it on Saltine crackers with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese. Super YUM!

But then, I thought, "hey, I bet this would be delicious in my morning smoothie." AND INDEED IT IS!

I gobbled down my Minty-Strawberry-y-Honey surprise every morning. And I was happy to do it!

After the honey was gone, my morning smoothie lost a little something. I didn't have that minty-smug secret that put such zing into my walk to work. I tried regular honey. But. meh ... it wasn't the same.

Forelorn, I wasn't sure what to do to get back my mornings. But then! I realized that I could probably buy more honey on the Internet. God Bless the Internets!! I blithely bought 3 more herbal honeys: Cinnamon Spice, Lemon Verbena, and more Mint. I cannot wait to mix up the Cinnamon Spice into a PEACH smoothie.

SHUT. UP. It's gonna be mega-delicious.

Seriously, if a condiment can change a life, this herbal honey is changing mine. It's the little things, friends. The little things.

Wherein I Have Selected

2010-07-17T17:41:00.008-04:00

You guys! I'm SUPER SUPER excited.

You know how I work like a beast these days and don't have any time to do things like cook dinner let alone see my friends or, er, blog? Well, in the few minutes I have been able to carve out for myself over these past few months my favorite pastime has been planning vacations. I'm not talking about the odd weekend getaway. No. I'm talking about a Granddaddy Vacation. A truly epic adventure that will serve one purpose and one purpose only: To get me OUT of incessant blackberrying hell for a while.

And so it was. When I needed a break I'd start scoping out amazing vacations.

Here were my criteria:

Aforementioned blackberry hell = it needed to be international
I want something active, since I am a desk weenie. How great would it be to come home THINNER from a vacation?!
I prefer a group so I don't feel so weird about being a solo traveler

My first plan was to go on a 7 day cycling tour from Prague to Vienna. But I won't be able to go until October or November. Alpine weather being what it is, this could make what sounds really fun really miserable. So while I harbored this as my fantasy vacation for a while I eventually opted to not follow through. I still might do it though ... just not this year.

And THEN! Then I found The Island Experience. All of the criteria were met. All of the reviews were raving. All of my dreams will come true!

TIE (as I will call it, because the full name is pretty lame) is an "adventure spa" on an island off of Rio de Janeiro. They only have 12 guests at a time so it is very customized to meet everyone's needs. Together we hike the rain forest, sea kayak, yoga, and swim in waterfalls and coves around the island. A nutritionist provides gourmet vegetarian meals (with unlimited fresh produce) and a masseur provides a daily hour long massage. The beach front accommodations are beautiful and in our downtime (what there is of it) can be spent relaxing or doing various activities such as painting.

IT SOUNDS PERFECT!

There's one little thing ... all of the reviews I read raved but they made sure to mention that the trip was "intense" and all of the exercise, while great, was very challenging. When I described this trip to my friend Jennifer, she said, "So, you're going to Jungle Fat Camp?" And basically, yes I am. But if I can survive it, it will be super amazing. I've got almost 4 months to get in-shape enough to ensure that I don't die on this trip. One reviewer said she participates in 7 hours of gym time a week between yoga, kickboxing etc, and TIE pushed her very hard. But at the end of it she had gained a great sense of accomplishment aaaaaand lost 7 lbs.

Sounds like a win-win to me!

Now that I've put down my deposit I'm committed and I will have some serious motivation to go to the gym. I think this trip will be a great mix of fun, exercise, nutrition, travel, and relaxation.

I really couldn't be more excited about it!

Little Mormon, Big World

2010-07-12T22:00:00.004-04:00

A few years ago I was watching an episode of "Little People, Big World." In this particular episode the teenagers were going to a Little people conference so they could socialize with other little people. And I thought to myself, "man, that would suck to have to go to a conference to meet people. Like, who does that?" It struck me as a very awkward social situation and I felt sorry for those poor kids being forced to attend. I remember feeling very superior and very tall.

Well I don't feel quite so tall anymore, because this past weekend I, of my own free will (and some empty threats from Camie), attended an equally awkward conference to meet people. It was a conference for single Mormons in their 30s and 40s. It had the potential to be tremendously painful and exponentially embarrassing. So, being the cautious (aka cynical) lady that I am, I went in with extremely low expectations.

But it was fun!

And I met some cool people!

And I laughed a LOT!

No one was more surprised than I, of that I can assure you. (This low-expectation strategy is really panning out.)

Enjoying this event really hinged on being less critical. I think I've definitely mellowed out over the years because now I can just chuckle good-naturedly when I hear people say things like "The second time I took the Bar ... " (vs the fourth or fifth time), "You can call me 'Hey You'," or my personal favorite, "So, enough about Perrier."

Awkward? Yes. Weirder than the Little People convention? Eh, it's a toss up. All in all, pretty damn fun.

Mexcellent

2010-01-24T20:01:00.005-05:00

Last week ... Was it last week? Maybe it was the week before. Anyway, sometime this month I went to Mexico for work.

We had our sales meeting there, and twas amazing. The first night, after getting up at 3AM to fly to Mexico City and then driving for 3 hours on a bus we were as exhausted as possible. So stopping half way to our destination to stay in this hotel was a surprise and a treat!

And yes, it was as amazing as it looks.

The only downside to this place was that it is all outside - all of the common spaces anyway. Normally this would be fine. More than fine! But apparently the world's weather has gone schizo so it was verry chilly. No me gusta el Frio! Plus I was sick, which was sort of sucky. And then, this dude who didn't know me had to do an introduction of me in front of the entire company and he said that I looked like a 90 year old woman. So obviously, he's dead to me. But, on the plus side, the executives made the hotel staff go out to a convenience store to buy me Gatorade. And I was like, "no, no, no! It's not (cough) a big deal." And they were like, "Gretchen, they WANT to go get you Gatorade. Senor! Get her Gatorade NOW!" It's nice being taken care of.

The next day we had some sessions and then, just when our enthusiasm was at its highest we all loaded onto the bus to drive another 3 hours through the mountains to the Rain Forest in Veracruz. Our final destination.

I'm not sure if I've ever been in a Rain Forest before, and not surprisingly it is very humid. If it hadn't been 40 degrees the damp air would have been pleasant. As it was ... it was verrry chilly! But when I wasn't miserable because I was chilly and damp and sick it was SUPER fun! We went river rafting, did a zip line, made best friends with the hotel staff, ate some super delicious Mexican food, and had some awesome dance parties. I attribute most of the fun to my awesome co-workers. I really love them. There really aren't any that I don't like (especially now that that one guy is dead to me, he was dead weight anyway). How could you not have fun with people like this:

I loved it!

What I didn't love was the bout with Montezuma's Revenge that appeared at 4AM just as I boarded the bus for the return 6 hour bus ride and 10 hours of plane rides. Danger Will Robinson!

(That's me. And YES I was the first one sent down the zip line. I need to practice my form.)

VIVA MEXICO!

P.S. Oh, AND! I almost forgot. We had an awards ceremony and I won the award I've been wanting the most: Rookie of the Year. I won that at my last company. Obviously, my only criteria for my next job will be whether or not they offer a Rookie of the Year award. Hat trick, Baby!

Mustard Resolves

2010-01-03T19:57:00.005-05:00

"GRETCHEEEEEEEEEE - breath - EEENNNNNNN!!"

Mustard is yelling at me from the Living Room again.

I am trying to ignore him because he is watching one of the ubiquitous "Decade in Review" shows, and he's very concerned that A) my decade wasn't as productive as it should have been and B) that I start making preparations STAT to not waste the decade to come.

Personally, I think -- and I always think this, so there's nothing new here -- but I think he's full of crap. This decade was chock-a-block packed with excitement. Except for 2007 - that year was totally forgetable.

"GRETCHEN! Since you are too old and decrepit to join me when I call for you, you best be preparing yourself for my imminent arrival."

Oh great. He's coming upstairs to disturb my peace.

"Alright little miss. We've got to have a serious talk."

"I already know what you're going to say, so you might as well spare us both the lecture." I respond. Everyday its some new suggestion: Hey, you know what you should do? Bungee Jumping! or Stock Car Racing! or Cliff Diving in Buenos Aires. Mustard doesn't inhabit the same plane of reality that the rest of us do where there are such things as jobs and meals to prepare.

"Oh? You think you know, do you?" he counters.

"I think I have the general idea," I say while filing my nails. "Perhaps something along the lines of how my life would be so great if I would only start a fight club with the women at church. The details vary, of course, but the absurdity remains the same."

"A fight club at church!? THAT IS GENIUS!! Think of the scrunchies flying! The hymnal backhanding alone would be phenomenal! You know those ladies would love to claw each others eyes out every once in a while. Why, oh WHY don't you have the gumption to put into practice things like this?" He gets a sad, pleading look on his face, "You are wasting your natural talents, Gretchen. It. is. a. Tragedy."

I shrug and start filing the left hand.

"You pain me. You really do," Mustard whispered before pausing to collect himself. He squared his shoulders, took a deep breath and stoically said, "Well. You are right. That is generally the kind of thing I would be PROUD to see you do. But after almost TEN years together I like to think that I have learned how to work within the confines of your timid little life. And so, I was not going to suggest something awesome like a Brazilian Rainforest Expedition or that amazing fight club idea, instead I was going to suggest that I help you set your New Years resolutions. Heaven knows you need help setting good goals."

"My goals are fine!" I say.

"Oh really? And what was your New Years Resolution last year?"

"Um. To meet straight men?" I smile hopefully.

"Exacty. To meet straight men. And how many straight men did you meet this year?"

"Like fift---"

"WITHOUT counting co-workers!" he cut in. "We're talking about eligbile for dating men."

"Oh. Probably like ... well there was ... and ..." I say while mentally counting and discarding. "Let's call it two."

"Two? Aren't you exaggerating a little bit? Yes. I thought so. You met ONE. One straight man. And he was a weirdo. Your specialty, so I'm not surprised. But the point remains. You had ONE goal this year and you failed. Miserably. Clearly, someone has to help you. And unfortunately, I, once again, am left holding the bag."

"Don't feel obliged to do me any favors, my dear Mustard. I'll have you know that I've already put together my New Years Resolutions. And they are quite good, if I say so myself."

"Really?" he raised an eyebrow. "Astonish me."

"Well, you know how I got this new job, right? And I've been working my booty off, and not getting anything else done?"

"Go on."

"Well I've decided that this year's theme will be Balance."

"Gretchen. PLEASE PLEASE PLEAAAAAASE say that you are getting a subscription at a trapeeze gym! That takes tons of balance!"

"No, moron. That's not the kind of balance I'm talking about." I shake my head. The lad never loses hope, you can say that for him. "I'm going to bring balance back into my life by, you know, having a life? Rather than working 24/7."

"Fine. Boring, but fine. I need specifics."

"Well, for one, I WILL be better about going to the gym. And I will make my food more often rather than eat out. And I might even start blogging on a regular basis. The key is to take baby steps. I can't be as involved in my hobbies as I used to be. But I'd imagine I could manage to blog about 52 times this year."

"Only 52 times? That's only once a week!"

"Yeah, but I also want to develop another hobby. And if I'm spending all of my time working and at the gym and making dinner there isn't very much time left for blogging and one other thing, now is there?"

"No. I guess not, but it all depends on what that other thing is going to be. What's it gonna be? What's it gonna BEEEEEE?!" Charming Mustard jumped up on my lap and put both hands on my cheeks while he waited to find out. And just like that, my inner resolve crumbled.

"Well, I'm not sure yet. I'd like to do something more exciting. Perhaps YOU can choose a safe not too time-consuming or travel requiring hobby for me to undertake."

A huge grin spread over Mustard's face and he planted a big smooch on my forehead before hopping off my lap and marching around the middle of the room punching the air and singing, "FIGHT CLUB! FIGHT CLUB! FIGHT CLUUUUB!"

Why am I such a softie? A fight club. Geez. Let's hope both Mustard and I get through this year in one piece. That SHOULD be my New Year's resolution.

The Holiday Before The Holidays

2009-12-31T19:03:00.005-05:00

It was such a great trip, it has taken me almost an entire month to even attempt to tackle blogging about it. Seriously, when you are gone for 15 days seeing millions of new/interesting/humorous things each day deciding how you are going to blog about it is quite overwhelming. Actually, I don't think it can be done.

In an attempt to keep this short, and keep the tiny flame called "interest in blogging" alive a bit longer I'll just offer a couple of thoughts and observations.

I do not like being places where I don't speak the language. Although everyone in Paris was WAY more friendly in the face of my bad French than I had expected, I really didn't like not being able to communicate. As far as communication strategies go, my "sil vous plait (point point) merci (eye batting) " approach worked well and got me what I wanted (with a few extra treats on the side). But next time, I'm going to rely on more than my High School French to see me through.
In Barcelona, we went to see the Sagrada Familia cathedral. Looking at the pictures of this place I didn't think I would like it ... but I LOVED IT! I think what I loved the most about it is that it is still under construction.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that I need to spend a significant amount of both time and money in Rome. I am starting the vacation day and dollar stockpiling now in preparation.
Turkey is a surprising place. Rug weaving is way more interesting than it sounds. Shepherds still have full time jobs there. It's Greek ruins are WAY better than Greece's (ironically).
Egypt has a serious trash problem.
Egypt also has a serious pushy street vendor problem.
On Malta (which was the shining star of the whole trip) I decided that I would start a bucket list. So far my bucket list has one thing: Visit the Blue Grotto.

So, all in all, it was a wonderful trip! Happy to be home, and happy to be heading into a New Year!

Happy travels in 2010, everyone!

My Itinerary

2009-11-21T21:00:00.004-05:00

My life is about to be AWESOME.

Seriously.

Be jealous of me.

I deserve it.

You can be jealous of Mustard too. He's coming along. We will post updates if we are able.

Bon Voyage!

(PS. You can click on the picture to see it bigger.)

The Littlest Victim

2009-11-17T22:18:00.001-05:00

Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny Sad?

2009-11-15T22:15:00.004-05:00

Thursday night I had a wardrobe malfunction. I had a client dinner, a very important client dinner, and I wanted to look extra nice. So I brought a fancy dress to work to change into before the dinner.

Unfortunately, this particular dress doesn't have the most reliable zipper in the land. And I tugged and tugged. And sucked in my ribcage, and tugged some more. But no luck. The zipper stayed stuck about 4 inches from the top.

So I asked a co-worker to help. And she tugged and tugged. And I sucked and sucked. But still no luck.

A third co-worker joined in the fray. One pulled, one tugged, and I sucked. But still ...

Four. Damn. Inches.

Finally, I cried uncle. That zipper wasn't going anywhere.

With only 20 minute till dinner, I had two choices:

1. Run to the mall and buy the first dress I saw.

OR

2. Fake a sprained or broken arm and keep my left arm pinned to my side for the entire night. (I had a camisole on underneath so it wouldn't have been entirely obscene.)

I went back to my desk, a little heartsick. My carefully laid wardrobe plans in shambles at my high heeled feet.

And there, at my desk, nestled amidst some sticky notes and a stack of scratch paper I spied my stapler.

As I hefted it in my hands I thought, "hmmm. Could I?"

I looked at the 4 inches of camisole.

I considered the longterm damage staples would do to a silk dress.

I shrugged. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Then, wincing a little, I sucked in my ribcage, and stapled that damn dress shut.

Now that I've been stapled into my clothes I expect my luck is over and I'll have to start breaking my heels doing everyday things and have to use chewing gum to glue them back together. Or close ripped seams with multi-colored binder clips. Or, hell, maybe I'll even have to make a mini-dress woven entirely from paper clips. Those are just the kinds of things enterprising city girls have to learn to do, and I've been lucky for way too long.

Wherin I Had No Plans

2009-11-14T01:00:00.005-05:00

I had nothing special to do last weekend. Which was why I found myself wandering around the National Portrait Gallery Saturday morning, trying to figure out if I don't like portraits (which I don't) and I don't like landscapes (nope) what kind of art, exaaaaactly, do I like (anything modern with lots of color). Fortunately Camie saved me from some serious Art Introspection by texting to ask if I wanted to go to Philadelphia for the wild girls weekend. Our friend Anna had a conference there this week and we thought, Hey! What are friends for if not to share their hotel rooms with?

So we promptly got some roadtrip snacks (twizzlers and my new favorite chocolate covered pretzel chips) and headed off with Anna for our Philadelphia adventure.

And, boy, did we have many adventures!

But the most exciting adventure was stumbling onto the "Parade of 1000 Rockys" at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. There was a boxing ring. There was free cheesesteaks. There was a Rocky look-a-like contest (which sadly we missed). But most importantly, there were free black and gold boxing robes that said, "Italian Stallion" on the back and "Rocky" on the front.

You better believe we muscled our way to the front of the line that was giving those robes away.

Here's Camie modeling it with her best "You betta watch yo ass, Mr. T" look.

We both put our robes on and milled around with the other Rockys at the foot of the museum while we each ate one of the free cheesesteaks. In case you're considering eating a free cheesesteak entirely cooked and assembled on the street and you're wondering how it would taste, let me offer this analysis: It is equally delicious and disgusting. If you don't think about it you could probably really enjoy it.

Either way, wearing our Rocky robes at the Museum of Art while simulteously eating a cheesesteak was a very quintessential Philly experience. An experience that could only be topped by wearing a Rocky boxing robe while taking a Rocky-esque picture in front of the Rocky statue. Now THAT is true blue Philly.

And the best part about it all is that now I have next year's Halloween costume all ready!

Halloweeny Time

2009-11-02T20:55:00.006-05:00

My new strategy for making sure every activity I undertake is SUPER FUN is to have very low expectations going into it.

That was the situation I found myself in this Halloween. Tired and worn out after a long and hectic week traveling and working my typing fingers to the bone, the last thing I wanted to do on a misty Saturday night was come up with a cute/clever/cheap costume and go be perky at a party.

BLAH!

But when you're a single gal livin in the big city, sometimes you just HAVE to go out and have fun. There is no choice. Gosh! My life is super hard sometimes.

So Camie helped me brainstorm costume ideas and for 85% of the day I thought I'd go as a bag of jelly beans (clear plastic bag with colored balloons inside). But then I figured it would be difficult to drive anywhere in and even more difficult to drink Diet Coke in. So obviously, I had to nix that idea. And besides I didn't have any of the materials. So at the last minute I decided I'd be a Wind-Up Doll.

When we reached our destination I asked Camie to help me to attach my Key, and gave my camera to a very drunk Bryan to take a picture once we were all situated.

What resulted was a photographic flip-book of me tying my key on, of me holding my purse between my legs, of me looking behind me to see if that key would stand up straight, etc.

This picture is # 15 of 17 taken at 9:35PM.

Bryan was, hmm, How you say? Shitfaced? Yes. Yes, that's exactly what he was. It usually takes me a minute to catch on when people are drunk so I was glad when he got to my house, told me the same story 3 times in a row, stage-whispered, "I'm REALLY Drunk!", and then fell down our stairs as we left. That cleared it right up for me.

But we made it to my other friend Clark's AMAZING Halloween party without any trouble, and promptly started doing The Monster Mash. Clark is reknowned for his Halloween parties. In fact, I'd been thinking I'd throw my own Halloween party this year, but when Clark called to tell me to save the date I immediately cancelled my party and invited my attendees to go with me to his.

I mean, any party where you experience the following things is A-OK by me:

* A reading of Poe's "The Raven"
* A room with a cozy fire where people could talk in a civilized way about uncivilized things
* Excellent music including lots of MJ, Lady Gaga and Journey.
* Jesus in Sunglasses (I think he was supposed to be The Dude, but it just came off as Jesus)
* Snacks GALORE (and good ones too, not just candy. Lil Smokies in the HOUSE!)
* A lapdance by a gay cop (I think I brought this on myself since I mentioned that he looked like a stripper)
* A guy in a hot dog costume who, good-naturedly, let me call him The Biggest Weiner At The Party all night long
* A Kiss from the cutest party crasher at the party

That little line up equals PARTY SUCCESS!!

Falling for Capitol Hill

2009-10-25T17:16:00.007-04:00

Today is one of those perfect Fall days. The kind of day where all you need is a cardigan, a scarf and your sunglasses. Brisk and bright and beautiful.

I've lived in Capitol Hill for just over a year now, which means I've had the chance to see it in every season. After careful analysis and debate I have decided that Fall is the season that looks best on Capitol Hill. This could be because the general color palette of CapHill is fall-ish. Lots of brick reds, muted golds, and browns. Or it could be because like the leaves collecting in the gutters, Capitol Hill as a whole is slightly decaying. Nevertheless, Fall really becomes this charming old neighborhood. I took advantage of the beautiful weather today to take a walk around Eastern Market and the neighborhood to snap some photos.

When people ask me why I commute to Virginia to work, I will just show them these pictures. That should clear it right up.

Hello World

2009-10-25T01:09:00.004-04:00

For the past year Camie and I have been leeching the Internet off of our unsuspecting neighbors. While financially savvy of us, this meant that we didn't have the most reliable internet access. One by one our neighbors got wise and locked it down, and us out.

For the past few weeks we've been unable to do much internetting at home. If one of us is miraculously able to connect, the other would jump on too, and then next thing you know someone is screaming, "STOP HOGGING THE INTERNET!" That usually spiralled down into hair pulling or stomping off in a huff to break some priceless keepsakes. It wasn't pretty.

So one night our laptops were off, and we were watching TV when a Verizon commercial came on. For $29.95 we could have reliable, twenty-four hour a day internet in our lives. And Camie turned to me and said, "Really? We've been holding out on getting internet for $15 a month?" And I shook my head in disbelief and said, "So it seems, my friend, so it seems."

Of course, we remedied the situation right away. Now we're set up with some internet of our own, and you better believe we locked that sucker down. I don't want other cheap-o girls siphoning off our internet power and getting all of their hair torn out.

I am now free to roam where I please for as long as I please. So with all of the Internet before me, these were the first places I went:

1. Facebook. Here I learned that a yellow bag is a conversation starter, and that I have a very close friend who dresses his dog up in dog clothes. (Imagine if I hadn't discovered that online, and had seen it in person!? GAH! The mocking would have been merciless and could have lost me my friend. Thank goodness for Facebook!!)

2. Hulu: to watch this week's episode of Glee. Lots of funny bits in this episode, but I particularly liked the part where Finn was reluctant to thow a slushee on Kurt because he "knows how particular he is about his skin care regimen" and then when after being slushee'd Kurt cries, "Somebody get me to a day spa STAT!" I really love this show!

3. My brother's blog to get the latest picture of my neice. Who, if you aren't aware, is a budding fashionista and nobel prize winning scholar. Just like her Aunt. Here she is looking super glam with an assortment of bags.

4. The DC Public Library website. I was hoping to put the new Alcatraz vs The Evil Librarians book on hold. Alas, they've re-done their website. And in true DC style neglected to put a link on it to the Catalog. Pssst, Website designers, A link to the catalog is SLIGHTLY essential. (morons.)

Yes, Internet, I've missed you. I've missed having you at my beck and call to look up whatever takes my fancy at the moment. I've missed the random bits of news and the zaniness you offer at every click. And who knows now that we're hooked up perhaps I will be more vigilant about blogging. That could very well happen, friends. It could very well happen.

For Maria

2009-06-27T15:20:00.003-04:00

My good friend Maria is getting married to Clark next weekend. That's the good news.

She's moving to Raleigh, because apparently when you get married you have to actually live with your spouse. And Clark lives in Raleigh. That's the bad news. (the moving, not the living.)

So to honor/embarrass her I put together this little video montage. It premiered at a little going away bar-b-que we had last night. But since many of you who know and love Maria weren't able to be there, I've posted it here.

And if you don't know or love Maria, I'm sure you will after you watch this video. She's just too darn adorable to resist!

As Seen In My Travels

2009-05-25T22:28:00.003-04:00

One thing you may not know about me is that these days I spend all of my work travel time in a small middle-of-nowhere town in Kentucky. It's a nice little town and the parts not covered in fast food restaurants and bait shops is very quaint.

Quaintness should not be confused for interestingness, or bizarreness, or oddness. All in all it's kind of a bland place. Not that that's a bad thing. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not likely to see a man in a pink sweatsuit with a pink sparkle scarf and pink platform heels strolling down Main Street as I so often do at home. I was prepared to think that fourteen antenaes stuck to the top of a truck was the height of crazy around these parts. Or so I thought.

Apparently, Kentucky likes to keep their interestingly bizarre oddities out of the city limits and on the shoulder of deserted windey mountain freeways.

Friday afternoon I was driving to the airport through the KY mountains --

just to be clear, I'm calling them mountains because they are large hills that the rented Ford Focus struggled to go up and down; but am not to confusing them with REAL mountains that would turn that Ford Focus back to the flatlands of Kansas in tears

-- when I crested a hill and BEHOLD! there, on the other side of the road stood a man in a Gorilla suit holding a sign that said "Monkey Love" in big red lettering.

What the Whaaa?

I looked about to see if there was a pet store or strip club or something he was promoting; no, nothing but trees and fake mountains as far as the eye could see.

I looked to see if he was hitchhiking; no, there was no monkey thumb or destination written on that Monkey Love sign. And what kind of person would pick up someone wearing a gorilla suit? That's a slasher movie waiting to happen!

I looked to see if there was any explanation at all why someone would be in a gorilla suit at 3 o'clock on a Friday afternoon in the middle of the nowheresville Kentucky mountains. As far as I could see there was none.

But that didn't make it any less awesome! And I tipped my cap to Kentucky for showing me that I should not just assume it's brand of wackos is any less ostentatious than those I am used to dealing with in DC. Well played, Kentucky. Well played.

Another Voice Mail From My Dad

2009-05-06T20:56:00.003-04:00

Speaking of tightwad skinflints, your name came right to the top!

Have you noticed that if you go to your computer and type Oprah slash KFC and print you a coupon for a Free Kentucky Fried meal you get TWO pieces of grilled chicken TWO individual sides and a biscuit for NOTHING ... WITH JUST THAT COUPON????!?

I thought you'd like that.

Goodbye.

Am I a lucky daughter or what? My Dad really knows what makes my day! I will do just about anything for free food. Free Scoop Day at B&J's? There. Free Slurpee Day at 7-11? There. Flap-jack Friday Free Breakfast? TOTALLY THERE!

NB: word on the street is that this is one of those limited time thingies.

PS and PNB: It was kind of a shizzy day with the rain and the traffic and the practically passing out on the treadmill. This voicemail was a real beacon of joy in the otherwise miserable news my blackberry has been passing along all day. Thanks Pop! And Thanks Oprah slash KFC!

Proud

2009-04-30T08:48:00.003-04:00

Ok, so its kind of lame to blog about mundane aspects of your life, but really I don't have much else going on right now. It's all I can handle to work 10 hours a day (loving it all the way!), feed myself, and get an appropriate amount of sleep. Exciting wackadoodle adventures aren't on the agenda.

With such a regimented and, let's face it, boring schedule I have to take my victories where I can. Which is why I'm SUPER proud of myself for the following things:

1. I woke up at 6 AM and went jogging around Lincoln Park this morning.

2. I jogged 3 miles in 28 MINUTES!! If you're bad at math like me, that means I was running under a 10 minute mile! I don't know how much under cuz that math is too hard, but UNDER!!!

3. I made myself breakfast before heading off to work.

4. My breakfast was AWESOME!!! I scrambled two eggs with a tad of buttermilk, some rosemary and salt & pepper. For real peeps, I've never been into eggs that much but I could eat these every day!!!

And to top it all off, I was at work by 8:30. (cue the angelic chorus)

Now let's see if I can manage to not mess up what is starting out to be a pretty amazing day.

Vocab

2009-04-29T09:10:00.002-04:00

I just learned two new vocabulary words that are so awesome they will definitely be making regular appearances in my regular speech.

Mandals : Sandals for men.

Used in a sentence:

Jorge, it may be open season on mandals, but don't even think about wearing them until you get your scaggy feet pedicured.

Sweatsedo : The fanciest and tuxedoy-est of all sweat suits.

Used in a sentence:

Armand are you wearing your sweatsedo for the apartment-complex-championship badmitton finals? You should.

Farewell Pizza Friday

2009-04-25T22:23:00.003-04:00

So the best thing about my former job was Pizza Friday. (FYI, I now have newer and awesomer job that I love so much I don't even notice the 10 hour days. If you're keeping score at home, that's about 7 hours more a day than I've been used to working.)

So Pizza Friday was the best!! It was easily the coolest perk of the entire company. Every other Friday they'd bring pizza in for the whole office. This was a highly ritualized experience, and May the Hammer of Thor protect you if you dared to break the rules, which are these:

Line up OUTSIDE of the break room until all of the pizzas and sodas have arrived and have been arranged.
DO NOT enter the break room until the Official Go Ahead has been given.
DO NOT schedule the large conference room during Pizza Friday time thereby causing everyone to have to eat at their desk and be lame.
Bring your most outlandish stories and Office Space quotes to make the dining experience more fun.
No one invite HR or any Execs to eat in the conference room so we can complain at length and talk about how hung over everyone is.

Pizza Friday was the highlight of my life at that job. I started looking forward to it about 30 minutes after finishing my last slice of Tomato & Bacon. So its only fitting that my last day at the office was also Pizza Friday. That scheduling, my friends, was 100% intentional.

So on my last Pizza Friday, I was all set to follow the time honored tradition of lining up and policing the break room door for any wise guys who thought they could sneak in early, when my pal Corey told me I needed to go to the Front Lobby. I was like, "Um, Corey, the pizza is in HERE!" and he was like, "Zip it Girlfriend and come with me to the lobby."

So we went up there. And that's where he unveiled a pizza just for me with a giant G spelled out with pepperoni. It was a sublime moment in my life.

So of course, being the spaz that I am, I squealed like a school girl, and jumped around a little bit. Only to turn around and see every member of the Executive group shooting lasers at me through the glass wall of the Front conference room. Unbeknownst to me they were having some kind of fancy-pants conference call in there.

Whoops! Typical moi, looking classy at every opportunity.

Apparently they didn't think that a G Pizza is worth screaming about. I happen to think they're wrong. Tis but one of the differences between me and executives.

On the Radar

2009-04-20T21:58:00.008-04:00

ME: You know if Tim wasn't married, I would swear he is gay. I'm picking up serious gaydar blips from him.

FRIEND: Yeah. Tim's married. (long pause while I continue to try and reconcile the blips with the ring) To STEVE.

ME: OH! Well I must say I'm relieved to hear that. I thought my gaydar was on the fritz!! I used to have zero gaydar and I've worked hard to get some. I'd be really bummed out if it was broken!

Monticello, Kiss a Fellow

2009-04-19T14:34:00.004-04:00

So I won't lie, there are a lot of things that rhyme with Monticello but none so fun as "kiss a fellow." Especially because if Spring were a fellow he would have gotten a great big kiss from me for serving up such A-Mazing weather for my day trip to Monticello!

Look at the beauty!!!

Here's the Garden Front:

And here's the view that Thomas Jefferson had from his bedroom window to the mountain behind Monticello (little mountain) called Alto-something-or-other, that means high mountain. Judging from this picture he should have called it Wicked Awesome Tree View Mountain.

And here are some beautiful tulips shown off on the Winding Walk.

And in front of the house, or the Carriage Front, is this amazing old little-leaf linden. Which was offering some very nice shade on such a toasty day.

The last time I visited Monticello it was Fall. And cold and somewhat rainy. Blegh. So take it from me, if you're considering a visit to Monti-C, chose Spring. Definitely Spring.

Ollie's Trolley

2009-04-16T20:00:00.003-04:00

I think this place looks like it would have good chili.

Anyone want to come with me and put my theory to the test?

Don't Call It A Comeback

2009-04-15T20:21:00.005-04:00

Are you refreshed? I'm refreshed. Yup. Very, very refreshed.

So refreshed in fact, I think I'll take up this blogging thing again. I've been spending most of my creative efforts in Facebook lately. I'm lovin the Facebook, people! But apparently my pithy little FB Status messages aren't satisfying the 3 people who read this blog. And there's been an outcry.

I thought for sure that my fanbots would have forgotten about my blog during my 2.5 month break, but no! Some real live people are actually still checking it out and want more. No one is more amazed than I.

For example, Pop Hanson left me this voicemail the other day:

We are having a family council and it has been decided that it has been way too long since you've updated your blog. Begin updating forthwith.

Please send money.

Thank you. Goodbye.

(I can always tell when he's means business because he'll use his Business Letter voice. He's very keen on formal communication.)

So I'm back, baby!

Stay tuned for shenanigans and tomfoolery...

Let Them Eat Frickin Awesome Cake

2009-02-04T21:46:00.006-05:00

So January -- or Birthdaypalooza as I call it -- has finally ended.

Wrapping up the fiestas was Camie's birthday on the 31st.

I wanted to do something really great for Camie's birthday, but having to spend the whole week prior to the day out of town really limited the amount of pre-Birthday prep I could do. But I figured that at the very least I could make her a cake.

And I knew just what kind of cake to make. (Twirling the proverbial mustache)

I figured something along these lines would be perfect.

Go ahead and take a look. I'll wait.

....

...

Ready? Ok. So clearly the bar has been set pretty high. And I wanted Camie's cake to be just as funny if not funnier than those cakes. But I didn't want it to be gross or real mean. Fake mean was ok, but only if she knew it would be fake mean and not real mean. And I wanted it to tell her that I love her and am super glad she's my best pal and roommate. But didn't want to, you know, flaunt that status in case the other party goers felt a little weird eating a cake with a sentimental greeting written on it. Hello AWKWARD!

Believe me, with all of these feelings to convey striking the right balance in your cake text is trickier than you might think.

Here were the runners-up:

Bite me
I figured this one was too literal

You are Smart, and Funny, and Kind to Animals
But then everyone there would just think I'd written a bunch of lies down. Cake Text should be a distiller of truth.

Shut Up! No YOU Shut Up!
I liked this, but I worried it wouldn't fit on the cake

Sorry You're Soulless
This was good, but it lacked a certain personal touch that would really make it meaningful. So I morphed it to this:

Sorry You're a Soulless Bitch
PERFECT!!

Except there wasn't enough room on the cake. So I had to rework it. And ended up with this:

Sorry You're Old Bitch

Short. Truthful. And most importantly, it held up a time honored tradition in which I either call her a Bitch or give her cards or presents that do it for me.

And if you think that I'm saying Bitch like its a bad thing, then you should know that under all of that cream cheese frosting is a DROP DEAD AWESOME HOMEMADE Red Velvet Cake. If that don't say Love Ya Like A Brother From Another Mother I don't know what does. Unless its making 34 mini red velvet cupcakes with mini swirls of cream cheese frosting and candles arranged into a giant flaming 34 so every party guest could blow out their own cupcake and make a wish. But wait a minute! I did that too.

Happy Birthday Camie!

Getting What you Pay For

2009-01-24T15:42:00.005-05:00

Earlier today at Eastern Market I thought I'd grab a quick lunch.

ME: Hi! I'd like a 1/4 lb hot dog please.

HOT DOG MAN: Sure. Here you go.

ME: YUM! Thanks a lot!

Hands me my hot dog, and I move to the condiment station to sass it up. Meanwhile a snotty little teenage girl comes up to the hot dog stand.

SNOTTY GIRL to HOT DOG MAN: Are those done yet?

HOT DOG MAN: No. Sorry. There gonna be about 3 minutes.

SNOTTY GIRL: Another guy said they were gonna be 3 minutes. And that was like FIVE minutes ago!

HOT DOG MAN: Sorry.

SNOTTY GIRL: I'm REALLY hungry!

HOT DOG MAN: I'm sorry, but it will be about three minutes.

Snotty Girl walks off in a huff.

Then Hot Dog Man turns to me and says with a big grin: I just gave you her hot dog!

Wherever you are Snotty Girl, I want you to know that that hot dog was EXTRA delicious.

Wherin I Was There; or The Unending Battle of Short vs Tall

2009-01-21T16:44:00.003-05:00

Anything I could say couldn't possibly expand upon the events of this weekend. It was really amazing!

So instead of a thousand words about it, I'll just offer a few pictures.

Bundled

If I had Binocular Eyes

Somehow our spot in front of the Smithsonian Castle was the designated Tall Person Sanctuary. Shorties like myself had a tough time of it. Well below the tree line, I had to poke my camera up and just shoot. Sometimes I got something good, sometime it was just sky, but all of the time being there was beyond amazing.

It was a bad weekend to be short, but an awesome weekend to be an American.

What's the Opposite of being too bored to blog?

2009-01-15T18:00:00.005-05:00

So sometimes I'm not very good at posting because I'm totally boring and there is nothing of any interest happening AT ALL.

This hiatus has NOT been one of those times.

So much has been happening lately, I'm a little overwhelmed when I think about the 40 or so things I should be creating pithy posts about. I can't even deal with that kind of pressure!

So I post nothing.

But then I'm all in a quandry, because I don't want to forget it, either.

And if I know anything about myself it is that I am a Great Forgetter. I used to be a Great Rememberer, but I think my brain is full. There's no room in the Inn, but stuff keeps getting crammed in there. So now everything is all muddled up and I can't remember what year I did what, or who I was with, or if I've already shared such-n-such story with you twenty times. So I've got to just suck it up and jot it all down.

So really, this post is more for me than for you. Sorry world, I can't entertain you today. I got some 'membering to do.

Gave the funniest White Elephant present: Las Vegas in a Box! Each item had a luggage tag with a picture of the Fabulous Las Vegas sign and a clever little note about the present. Stuff like, "Know when to fold 'em" on the pack of cards. The box had the following stuff:

a roulette game
pack of cards
bridal veil
wig & dark glasses (I even got those old man dark glasses - so HOT)
a champagne glass
a trashy novel to read by the pool
a lounge music CD
a silk scarf to look the part

Clever, right? I was really excited about this present and thought it would be the toast of the party. But then someone brought a HUGE bottle of Vodka ... and obviously Vegas in a Box cannot possibly compete with vodka.

Christmas was great ... spent it here. The heat went out twice. Brrr-a-la-brrr-brrr.

New Year's was awesome. I went to two parties. I was conspicuous at the first party for two reasons: First, I was the only girl. Second, I was the only straight person. We had a great time, but I made sure to skedaddle before midnight. I wasn't sure what might happen, but I was pretty sure it'd be awkward.

Directly after New Year's the celebrations for my birthday began. I had expected it to be a very low-key year since my birthday was on a Sunday and everyone knows that Sunday birthdays are the Lamest Birthdays of them All. But it wasn't. Not low key at all.

The festivities began on Saturday and just kept on going, and going ...

Saturday

Treated myself to a box of gourmet cupcakes from Hello, Cupcake
Treated myself to a big bowl of Tangysweet FroYo
Treated myself to the Broadway production of Legally Blonde at the Kennedy Center

Sunday

Treated myself to a lazy day around the house
Treated myself to a hot dog/chips/diet coke combo for lunch. (YUM!!)
Maria made me a steak dinner
Charlene made a riiiiiidiculous Rasperry-Lemon cheesecake

Happily Birthdayed I thought the fun was over.

Wrong. The fun was JUST BEGINNING!

Monday

Work pals take me to lunch and make a big production with chocolate cake and singing.
During lunch they try to convince me to go to drag bingo. "Sounds like fun, but will it help me with my New Year's Resolution to meet straight men?" I ask. Probably not, but still will be fun.

Tuesday

Work pals tell the Drag Queens at drag bingo that A) its my birthday and B) I'm Mormon. (As such I was a tiny bit out of place at a gay sports bar).
Sang Happy B with my new favorite ladies Shiqueeta Lee and Akasha Cassadine
Forced to do a shot (of cranberry juice) to the stomping and cheering of an entire bar
Being called to the front to call out the numbers
Being generally Heckled and Celebritied all night long

All of us with the fabulous Shiqueeta Lee and Akasha Cassadine.

Friday
Camie wanted to through me a party because she hadn't been able to participate in any of the other parties. I was well and truly exhausted by this point, but thought it would be fun to have people over to make decorate cookies and have a quiet night in.

So we did. It wasn't that quiet. But it WAS super fun! Even Mustard decorated one or two.

I never thought turning 34 would be so action packed! I'm pooped.

Mustard and Gretchen Write a Chirstmas Letter

2008-12-24T23:18:00.005-05:00

"Hey Mustard," I hollered, "Come in here. I need you!"

"WHHHHYYYY?" he hollered right back.

"We have to write our Christmas letter and I need your help!" I said, still hollering.

It took a minute but I soon heard him commentating as he sock-skated his way from the kitchen to the living room. "Woosh! Woosh! And its that Ice Devil Mustard coming in from the outside!" before he burst into the room and with a giant Risky Business Slide slammed into me on the couch.

"oooophhFFF, Get off me!" I said, pushing him off my lap and onto the seat next to me.

"So!" he settled in looking at the computer screen, "Whatcha got so far?"

"Not much. I can't really remember this year."

"Well, that makes sense. You're old and senile" he said matter of factly.

I gave him a look that said, Watch it mister. Sadly, idle threats don't really phase Mustard, so outloud I said, "I remember that it was a great year -- infinitely better than 2007 -- but what in the world did we do?"

"Well, we ... uh ... oh yeah! This Spring we went ... no, no, that was last year. .... Shoot! You're right! What DID we do this year?"

"Exactly" I said drily.

"This can't be right. We had a rockin year. At least I had a rockin year. Your life was probably pretty boring" he said. "Let's think about this. OK. For one thing we moved to Capitol Hill during that monsoon. That was awesome."

"Oh yeah! That move was crazy, but living here IS Totally Awesome. Mini high-five for moving!" And we high fived. "OK. What else did we do?"

"We went to the beach for that week long vacation in May" he said.

We looked at each other and said in unison: "BEST VACATION EVER!" And then sighed deeply as we remembered its amazingness. Then I said, "And then, remember going to the beach every weekend in August? Good times."

"True dat" he said. "And remember when you got your braces off? But then you put them back on two weeks later cuz you were a super fussy-pants and then had to have them on for six more months?" He laughed while I glared, "You weren't expecting to look like a doofus for ALL of 2008, were you?!"

"Oh Yeah? Well shut up, cuz I'm getting them off -- FOR REAL THIS TIME -- on the 29th!"

He grinned and said, "Suuuuure you are. I'll believe it when I see it."

"ANYWAAAAAAAY. It wasn't the biggest mover-and-shaker of a year. We've established that. But it was still a fun year, true?"

"Very true, Jeeves, very true" he said.

"What was your favorite part?" I asked him.

"Oh, that has to be when you went to Las Vegas and that -- "

"STOP!!"

"And you were like, 'Bathtub???!?! WTF? Who ASKS that?' and --"

"Mustard! For real!!!! We are NOT talking about that."

"Sorry I'm laughing so hard! But your face was so classic!"

"Its not my fault people say stupid stuff to me! Will you please stop laughing? Really. Its not that funny."

"Hoooo! Sorry!" he said wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes.

"You are really not helping with this Christmas letter. You're just bringing up all of the things I'd rather NOT remember about 2008" I said.

"Sorry, sorry. What would you rather remember? Lame stuff like your favorite movie?" he asked a touch scornfully.

"Sure! That's the kind of stuff you look back on and laugh about. Not embarrassing things that should STAY IN VEGAS."

"Alright, fine, little Miss Boring Face. My favorite movie was Tropic Thunder. That retarded scene? Classic!! What was yours?"

I rolled my eyes. Of course that would be his favorite.

"Mmmm" I said while I mentally thumbed through the movies I saw this year. "I have no idea. There were a bunch I liked."

"Listen Missy, you gotta pick. That's the whole point. Otherwise, its no fun, and I get to tell another embarrassing story from 2008 that you'd rather not remember."

"OK!!! Geez. You play dirty! My favorite movie was probably TheDarkKnight Wall-E Sex&TheCity Wanted."

"Um-hum." I could tell he wasn't very thrilled with that cop-out answer. But they were all REALLY good! "Favorite song?" he asked.

I effected a Family Feud voice and said, "iTunes SAYS! White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes. Good choice iTunes - I do really like that song! Yours?"

And he busted out singing:
"She got them Apple-bottom jeans"

I promptly joined in, "Boots with the fur! The whole club was lookin at her!"

Simultaneously we both got off the couch and dancing we sang, "She hit the floor. Next Thing you know. Shawty got Low Low Low Low Low Low Low!!"

And that's pretty much where the letter writing ended, and the dance party began. It was a great year for us! We hope you had a fantastic time too!

Pimp Ma House, Christmas Edition

2008-12-21T13:36:00.004-05:00

I wasn't going to decorate this year, because I didn't really see the point. If I took the effort to pull the decorations out of Narnia (btw, this is the name of the storage closet under the stairs because once you make your way through the the coats, its a whole new world) I'd have to take just as much effort to put them BACK in Narnia. Seemed like a lot of work. And its not like I need an extra dose of Holiday Cheer. I'm 100% Jolly 100% of the time!

But then my friend Adam came over and brought me a tube of silver tinsel. And I was like, "AWESOME!! Tinsel!!" And he was like, "Girrrrl, that ain't no ghetto Tinsel! That's a Mini Tinsel TREE! with Lights."

And I was like, "God Bless You, every one."

So I put it up in my window, so the neighbors walking by would think to themselves, "My, My, isn't THAT apartment festive with its Mini Tinsel Tree! with Lights."

Fa-la-la-la-LA!

So since I was now decorating I decided to pull out the rest of the decorations and gussy the place up.

My Favorite and Most Beloved Diet Coke Tree returned this year. And I also found this cute Ice Cube Snowman ornament. So now I'm thinking ... Gosh, All I need is a glass to have the cheeriest holiday around!

(Can you see that little snowman? He's between the gloves on sticks. He's super see-through.)

I also discovered the balls that USED to go on my tree before I converted it to a Diet Coke Tree. And So I did the easiest slash coolest thing ever and artfully arranged them in this giant flower bowl.

Cute, Eh?

But then I REALLY went crazy and taped these snowflakes to the mantle. You know, as if it were snowing INSIDE!! So crazy. But so pretty!

And look at how serene and lovely this little nativity looks on my mantle. My Sister in Law sent it to me last year. Its good to remember that there's more to Christmas than Tinsel, Diet Coke, and snowflakes. Not much more, mind you, but more. (I'm totally kidding, relax people)

And now I am all set to have an awesome and amazing Christmas here in my little CapHill house. Feliz Navidad!

The 20 Worst Are The 20 Best

2008-12-18T14:32:00.002-05:00

You know how its so awesome when people take pictures of things and add captions to them that make them even more hilarious slash awesome? I love that. I also love music and year end lists. So when I came across this hilarious list from Pitchfork Media I was like, "Score! Its a Funny picture/caption, Music, List TRIFECTA!!!"

The 20 Worst Album Covers of 2008

The ones that make me LOL 100% of the time are:
My Morning Jacket
Santogold
Septicflesh

(I also really like that link to the menwholooklikeoldlesbians ... that's funny!)

Which ones do you like?

Whatcha Think?

2008-12-16T13:24:00.003-05:00

I want to take a class during Spring semester. Normally, I'd take a writing class, but I sort of want to diversify. Which of these classes do you think I should take?

Introduction to Digital Photography

Course description: This class is designed for beginners who want to better understand the world of digital imagery, or for students with experience who want to strengthen their basic skills. Topics covered include digital camera use, Photoshop basics, scanning and printing techniques. Students will be able to explore their own projects and develop the fundamental skills to continue digital work on their own.

Interesting because: I suck at taking pictures. I also suck at making pictures look pretty. I need help.

Introduction to Drawing

Course description: In this class, students learn the fundamental concepts of drawing and 2D media. Observation, one of the most important elements in drawing, will be stressed through different techniques and experimentation with several materials. The class will be complemented with theory (composition, perspective, proportions) and examples in art history. Materials list will be provided at the first class.

Interesting because: I've never taken an art class before. I've always been scared because I have a hard time holding my hands steady. BUT! both my grandma and mom have some skill drawing ... so I've totally got it in my genes. I just need guidance! (and less caffeine)

Beginning Ballet

Course description: This class emphasizes the fundamentals of ballet and encourages ballet as a means of improved body awareness, poise, grace, musicality, flexibility, and self-expression. Classes are structured to include warm-up exercises, barre technique and center floor work. Ballet shoes and comfortable clothes are recommended. No prior dance experience required.

Interesting because: I could sure use some poise and grace. Plus, I quit ballet when I was 5 because it was cutting into my cartoon watching time. I should really give it another chance.

Internets? Your thoughts??

A Holiday Party for Your Tastebuds

2008-12-10T21:41:00.005-05:00

J'adore Ginger. In fact simply saying the word "Ginger" will get practically the same response from me that you'd get if you said "sex" to most men. There's some drooling. Some wide-eyed nodding. And, yeah, I'll pretty much do anything you need, including taking out the trash. So when I saw this recipe for Chocolate Gingerbread Bars in Everyday Food I was like, "GINGER BARS!!! Oh baby! YES! And PLEASE!!"

So Sunday night I set aside my anti-baking stance and prepared to make my gingery delight. There I was measuring flour and teaspooning out cocoa powder while bellowing out, "LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT (but not really cuz i hate) SNOOOOOW!" When I whirled around to get 1/2 tsp of baking soda out of the cupboard ... only to discover there was no baking soda in my cupboard.

ScreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecCHH!

Stop the Ginger Presses! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I DO NOT HAVE BAKING SODA? Doesn't every kitchen come standard with a box of baking soda? That's like not having brakes on your car or something!

I put down my sifter to weigh all of my options. They ranged from using the box in the fridge (seriously considered, but in the end it was too disgusting even for me) to calling all of my neighbors for the proverbial cuppa shuga (they weren't home) before finally coming to the tragic conclusion that I could not proceed with my Ginger Bars until I got to the store to get some B. Soda.

On the upside, this gave me some time to stop being such a selfish pig-face and invite some people over to eat my treat with me. So tonight my pals Bryan, Adam, and Corey came over for a menacing-sounding but palatte-delighting Vegetarian Indian Stew and delicious delicious Ginger Bars.

See how festive I made them by adding Pomegranate seeds (red!) and chopped Pistachios (green!) with a mound of creamy homemade whipped cream (white!). If you make these bars you MUST add the Pom and Pish ... together they make it about a thousand times more festive and yummalicious. (And if you run out of Ginger Bars you can just eat them with the whipped cream - talk about a taste sensation!)

On a scale of one to ten, one being Pukarific and ten being Tastetastic, I give these ginger bars a 47.

Feliz Navidad and Happy Ginger Bars to All!

True Love

2008-12-10T12:23:00.003-05:00

Available on Sale -- luckily not enough on sale to get me into trouble -- at ModCloth.com

Oh, but I love it. I do!

Wherein Mustard's Effort to Make Trouble Makes Good

2008-12-09T16:18:00.005-05:00

Let me set the scene for you. It's evening. I'm chillin' in one corner of the couch watching E!. Mustard is in the other, rolling his eyes. Camie comes home after another long, busy day, and proceeds to do her homework.

When Camie came in and surveyed the scene, Mustard perked up. He looked from me, to her, and slowly started to get that squinty-no-good look in his eye that he gets when he's thought of a way to make my life hell. After she went upstairs he nudged my butt with his foot and said, "Hey, do you remember that roommate you had in college? Amanda or whatever her name was?"

"Yeah. What about her?"

"Remember how she watched TV 24/7?"

"Yeah, I remember that. What about it?"

"You guys thought she was a total loser cuz she was always watching TV. Remember?"

"Weeellll, I wouldn't say we thought she was a total loser. But she sure did watch a lot of TV."

"Don't kid yourself, sister. You thought you were SO fancy with your busy schedule and crowd of buddies. As far as you were concerned she was practically toxic from all of that TV" he smirked.

"What's your point?" I asked.

"My point is this." And he paused to fix his I'm-a-total-jerk-and-I'm-about-to-punk-you-GOOD expression on his little face before saying, "The shoe's on the other foot now, my dear."

"WHAT?! What are you even talking about? I don't watch nearly as much TV as Amanda did," I cry outraged.

Mustard just raised his eyebrows. (Damn those damning eyebrows!!)

"Seriously! I don't!" I can feel myself backpedaling.

Mustard looked pointedly from me, and my well-worn spot on the couch, to the TV, and back at me again. And then he said, "Have you, or have you NOT already seen this episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians" pause ... pause ... pause (While I squirm ... squirm ... squirm) "THREE TIMES?"

"FINE! FINE! You're Right! I'm a loser! Are you happy now? A loser who watches way more TV than is good for me. Sob!" And I stormed off the couch, throwing my TV Watching Blanket over Mustard's head to show him what a little poo he is, and stomped upstairs to find something productive to do.

And that's how I ended up volunteering at the DC Central Kitchen twice this month. And even though I was slightly coerced into doing it, and I've only gone once so far (next time is on Christmas Day, hello Super Fun!) volunteering there is turning out to be the BEST THING I've done ALL YEAR LONG!

So there Mustard! You Prince of Poo-ville. You can take your attempts to make me feel like a loser and cram them in your little twist-top face. I am now officially NOT a loser. AND ALSO officilally a lover of the community. Nyah!! [yes I AM sticking my tongue out at you.]

The Storybook Collection

2008-12-07T23:01:00.006-05:00

I am toujours working working working on my latest line of baby-girl fashions. One never knows when a baby shower will come up and you need to have a super cute gift ready on the double. This collection was for my friend Alicia who is having a girl any second now. Can't wait to see the little cutie!

It's a little ironic that I ended up settling on this theme for her present, because I found out later that she'd dreamed I bought her story BOOKS. Imagine how surprised slash STOKED she was to get story ONESIES instead!! This collection was totally meant to be.

So with no further ado, I present to you:

The Storybook Collection

La Madeline

Say bonjour to everyone's favorite little fille d'école.

Grow, Sally. Grow!

See Sally growing up faster every day.

Sunday in the Park avec Babar

Those sophiticated Elephants, Babar and Celeste, take Pom, Flora, and Alexander out for a spin in their pram.

Fin.

Knee High to a Chinaman

2008-12-04T22:15:00.002-05:00

While my sister was visiting, we went to see one of the few DC attractions that has eluded me over the past 8 years: The National Arboretum's Bonsai collection. The Arboretum is a favorite oasis of mine but somehow I've always managed to time my visits when the Bonsai Museum is closed. Apparently optimal Bonsai growing requires that they keep Banker's hours.

But now, I'm rather glad I hadn't seen this exhibit before because seeing it when the Bonsai were in their vibrant, but tiny, Fall glory was totally awesome. When thinking of Bonsai I generally assumed they were some sort of evergreen tree. But NO! They can be anything!! Tiny tree sculpting belongs to ALL Tree Races.

Check out this wee little Japanese Maple. (OK horticulturists, if I get these names wrong you're gonna have to just deal. I ain't no garden pro.)

And here's a teensie little ... um ... Birch? Or maybe another brand of maple? I can't really remember and its so little I can't use my eagle gardener eyes to tell -- as I usually would -- based on leaf shape. Anyway, it's a yellow-leafed deciduous tree which is WAY little and WAY PRETTY!

Inside the greenhouse is a little myrtl. I really really love myrtl. Isn't it so pretty? And Don't you love how they grafted in that chunk of white wood? Those bonsai artists are so clever!

And look who's hanging out here: Eeensie Weensie Chinamen! Don't they look wise? These little fellows are about the size of my thumbnail, and are hidden cleverly as a little treat for the observant.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that everyone of these trees is at least 50 years old? There's even a white pine (that I didn't picture here because we're showing decidous trees, people) that is FOUR HUNDRED YEARS OLD. Crazy, I know. But true. That tree was alive when Shakespeare was around!

Anyway. LOVED my trip to see the Bonsai! AND I'm even more dedicated to keeping my cactus plant alive now. (I wonder if you can do cactus bonsai.)

On Family Old and New

2008-12-02T20:12:00.005-05:00

Hallo! Just back from my Thanksgiving week in Phoenix, AZ, year two. Everything was the same as it was last year. Same Brother and Sister-in-Law being super hospitable and fun. Same Parents being goofy (like when my Dad hid his See's chocolates in the microwave. Would've worked too except we all watched him hobble over and stash them inside. He's a master of deception.) Same warm sunny weather. Same never-ending swaths of BEIGE BEIGE BEIGE. Yup. All basically the same as last year. Except I didn't puke my guts out. And we didn't go to the Grand Canyon.

Oh. And this year I have THE CUTEST NIECE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. No biggie.

Please visit her Online Shrine for your daily worship.

One fun thing we did this year was force my parents to do Oral Histories. I learned several interesting stories about my grandparents.

For example:
My newly married and very poor maternal grandparents were lucky to get one of the very small log cabins at the WPA worksite. They knew a skunk was nesting underneath the house, but so far everyone was getting along just fine. Until some neighbors stopped by for a visit. (Here you should picture me cough-saying "Visiting Teachers." Can't prove it, but do the math. They show up at your house + try to "help" = Totally Annoying Results. I'm just sayin'.)

The "neighbors" saw the skunk and had the GENIUS idea to chase it out of its cushy sub-cabin home. Well, it was the thirties and I'm guessin that good cabins to live under were few and far between. Old Pepe wasn't going anywhere without a fight.

He ran under the cabin to defend his territory. And ....

SPRAY SPRAY SPRAY

... Just like that, poor Grandma and Gramps returned home to find their house and all of the contents therein completely saturated with skunk stink. They had to move out of their cabin and lost all of their stuff. INCLUDING a brand new sack of FLOUR. Which in Great Depression Currency was like three Hermes Birkin bags. If my Grandma had even known these words she probably would have told her no-good "helpful neighbors" to stay the freak out of her biz-nas from now until like forevah. (That's what I would have told them, anyway.)

To add insult to stinky injury, they smelled so Skunky no one would be their friend or rent them a new apartment for weeks. Poor stinky fore-fathers. Life was so so SO hard for you.

I'm glad we did these family histories because now I know that my mistrust of "helpful neighbors" is both well-founded and genetic!

PS. Does this strike anyone else as a story that could only happen in rural Idaho during the Great Depression?

The Much-Awaited Home Tour

2008-11-30T19:21:00.004-05:00

Remember when I had all of these plans to post pictures of our newly renovated apartment? Well, after I got distracted taking pictures for the housewarming party, the party got into full swing, and then life got into full swing and well, our house never got picture-worthy clean until this weekend. I came home from being out of town for a week to find the house spic and span!

Camie, being the awesome roommate that she is, went ahead a cleaned the joint up and posted a photo tour of our cute cute apartment. Isn't she the best?

I will refer you to her for the tour.

The Outside
The Neighborhood
Entry and Kitchen
Living slash Dining
Upstairs Shared Spaces
Camie's bedroom
My Room (not as tidy/beautiful as I'd like but still pretty snazzy)
The Exit

I love our new house, and I hope you do too!

How I Spent My Staycation

2008-11-11T19:28:00.002-05:00

I'm playing hostess to my older sister this week. We are still wearing these outfits. We look even more awesome than you can imagine.

92%

2008-11-05T18:40:00.004-05:00

I was scanning through the Status updates in Facebook yesterday, and one of my friend's said, "I'm working to get the vote out for John McCain." And I got this squinty look on my face that I get whenever I see something that is weeeeiiiiird. Thinking about it for a mo, I realized that this guy was the first person I had heard during this election who said they were planning on voting for McCain.

Later, when I discovered that the Obama/McCain split in DC was 92/8% the lack of McCainers made a lot more sense. Apparently DC is a McCain-Free-Zone, so its a good thing I switched parties before moving here. I might have been run out on a rail during the street party that ensued when it was called for Obama. I'm still in the shallow end of the Democrat pool, but so far I'm finding it quite refreshing.

But, even though I've defected, I still really like McCain as a person. However, some advisor somewhere should have sat him down and talked to him about the importance of White Strips. I thought his concession was exceptionally gracious. So I say, well fought Honourable Gentleman from Arizona! May your aged bones be warmed as you bask in the toasty AZ sunshine!

And with that,

Let Barack Nation Begin!

Wherin Halloween Becomes My Favorite Holiday

2008-11-01T19:32:00.012-04:00

This has been one of the best Halloweens of all time. AND IT'S ONLY HALF OVER!! I'm heading out in a few minutes for round two of parties.

You're probably wondering why this particular Halloween is the best?

Here's why.

First, and nothing to do with me, our new neighborhood appears to be a destination Trick-or-Treating neighborhood. And there were Kids Galore cruising the streets last night. Since becoming an adult I've never lived in a neighborhood so trickertreat heavy. It was totally fun!

But more interesting than living in Kidlandia, I had the easiest, most fun costume. Utilizing both my awesome new haircut and my dip back into the braces pool I was able to pull off a TOTALLY Convincing Ugly Betty.

But most people said something like, "Are you Ugly Betty? Pffft. More like CUTE BETTY!!!" And I was like, "Ohmygosh! Your sooooo nice! But I totally am, right?!"

My rockadelic outfit was made, Oh, about 1000 times better by these snoopy-on-a-sled socks.

At the office, I rocked the stiff competition and WON a $20 gift card!! (along with that jukebox and Stahlin)

After work, Camie and I went to Bryan and Adam's house for a delicious and diet-friendly dinner party. Everybody loved Lucy. And got "I Love Lucy" stickered to prove it.

The party was just starting, though. From there we went to meet party friends Jen and Steve (featured in video below) at a Liberty Tavern in Arlington.

WAY SUPER FUN!!!

This clip is basically what it was like all night. Two things to notice. 1) They're playing Thriller. Which is, in and of itself, WAY AWESOME. 2) If you listen closely you can hear Camie yelling "Faster Faster FASTER!!" All I can say is, Billy Blanks ain't got nothin on me.

That clip? Yeah, that's pretty much what its like everytime I go dancing. Me = Ridiculous

I hope you all had a fun and safe Halloween!

An Unhappy Equation

2008-10-28T15:46:00.003-04:00

Traveling for two weeks, eating craptacular hotel food, and feeling like I should get dessert at every meal because, you know, its not like I'm paying for it, has turned me into the pudgy blob version of my cute self.

Your basic tranny crack ho can tell you that drastic bingeing can only be combated by drastic purging.

And so, I regret to tell you that for the next two weeks I will be on a diet. My entire life philosophy revolves around getting whatever I want whenever I want it. So being deprived of the food I want makes me very cranky. Being cranky means that I will also be UN-funny, UN-patient, UN-full, and generally UN-happy. I will just go ahead and add UN-blogging to the list now because its impossible to find anything post-worthy unless my tummy is full of carbohydrates.

Ta.

Our House is Officially Warmed

2008-10-22T19:10:00.009-04:00

I know I haven't been writing lately, but it's been a whirlwind over here people. A WHIRLWIND!

To get an idea take five hotel rooms, two trips to IKEA, a million home improvement chores, 65 spreadsheets, one clandestine clothes shopping trip, one very well attended and super fun housewarming party, two over-conditioned ballrooms, three parking tickets, and one life changing bowl of ice cream and put them all in a giant blender. Blend for two weeks on SUPER FREAKING FAST and you'll have an idea of how things have looked from my point of view.

The highlight of last week was definitely our housewarming party. I was planning on taking you all on a photo tour of the post-renovations house. I thought I'd take advantage of its clean pre-party state to take some pictures for the tour. Dutifully I started snapping away but somehow got derailed taking pictures of the party food instead. I'm not sure how that happened - but we had a LOT of yummy looking food.

So instead of a tour you get a Housewarming Party food/fun breakdown. I'm sharing the food pictures with you (instead of the more interesting people pictures) because its still lingering around the house tempting me, and I shouldn't be the only one suffering here. Man cannot live on pie alone -- although it appears that I'm trying.

Delicioso cupcakes with sprinkles! Spicy Cream Cheese/Chile roll ups! Brie with walnuts/cranberries/apricots covered with CARAMEL!! Yes! And Please!

Honeycrisp -Holy Moley This is The Yummiest Apple EVER - Apples! Walnuts schmalnuts. And dried Apricots. You know, for the sugar intolerant. A good hostess always thinks of the less fortunate when party planning.

Candy dishes were sprinkled around like this one so a Reeces was never more than 3 feet from you at any given time. Aren't we the most thoughtful party planners evah!

Somehow I didn't manage to take any pictures of the food in the kitchen. But we had pie, pie, more pie, some Brie, and a crazy Mormon Punch concoction made out of Papaya Juice and Sprite served in a Punch Bowl thankyouverymuch. I called it Papaya Punch, cuz it was fun to say.

I had a great time and I think most of our guests did too. At least there weren't any cat fights and no one except these guys stormed out swearing -- pretty typical for them. So that's probably a good indicator.

See you soon with a full bodied tour of our charming casa!

My Awesome New Hair Cut

2008-10-10T17:39:00.009-04:00

So let's review. This was my hair for the last year or two:

KA-RAY-ZAY!!!

Its a little Farrah a little Heidi but a whole lotta hassle. I just couldn't do it anymore! I needed to embrace my inner straight-haired girl. I love me some curls but for me curls require product + heat + patience + a can of extra hold hairspray. I can't be that high maintenance anymore.

So I decided to do what they say on all of those makeover shows and "work with your hair." Here's the new cut and color (don't you just LOVE the color? I have no idea why I'm the only kid in my family not to have awesome dark hair naturally. I got stuck with golden brown. BOR-ING!)

First of all, I have to say that this cut is for real the easiest to do of ANY hairstyle I've ever had. That includes perms. I seriously just wash it, and dry it and try to make sure I don't dry the bangs sticking up funny. From beginning to end its like 4 minutes. No lie. My snooze button will be seeing a lot more of me now.

One of the other best things about this cut is its versatility!

Want it a little more casual? No problemo ... I just sweep it to one side and Voila!

Dry those bangs funny? Or not feeling bangy that day. A single bobby pin will suffice.

Need a wig to rob a bank in? This look is also included.

Here's the casual, I'm just going to throw my hair up into a pony tail, but still look totally cute look and all you people can just be jealous of me and my casual but perfect style.

And how does it look after a day of running around doing errands and cleaning? Like this:

TOTALLY DURABLE!

I don't have to keep fluffing or scrunching or spraying or flipping to make it look cute. IT JUST LOOKS CUTE. PERIOD.

At last I am content.

This is my locket ...

2008-10-08T19:10:00.008-04:00

This is the dreamboat inside.

Wherin I Cheat Death and Subsequently Go On A Date With Placido Domingo

2008-10-07T22:29:00.004-04:00

Ok guys, so it's been like a coon's age since I wrote, but I was in Ann Arbor for work last week and AA is like so BLAHsville. There's nothing there but bad cream sauce and florescent lighting. Nothing post-worthy about that. So unless I tell the story about the emergency nap I had to take in one of the file rooms because I was almost bored to death there's not much to report.

But now I'm back in DC and already life is back to its technicolor glory.

For example, I put on my Snooty-Snoot duds last night and went to the Opera at the Kennedy Center. I won't bore you with details about it. Even though Placido Domingo was our host and conductor for the evening and was utterly charming. And you probably wouldn't care that the sets were so astonishing the audience literally burst into applause for them. And it would be super boring to tell you about how the just-starting-out performers who were part of Placido's super-student school were peeing their pants with excitement at performing La Traviata at The Kennedy Center. And how I was so excited for them because I just knew that they were going to run backstage after the show and call their moms to tell them that they had justgottenaSTANDINGOVATION fromasoldouthouse At. The. KENNEDY CENTER -SQUUEEEEEEEEE!!!!

That all could be a little dull to report. So I'll just get things back into the proper focus (which is on me of course) and say that I seriously love saying things like, "I'm going to the Opera at the Kennedy Center tonight." Because how many people really get to go to the Kennedy Center for their opera? Its totally famous and on TV and stuff! And its def not in Ann Arbor (no disrespect AA, k? love you!)

At the Shops

2008-09-26T13:59:00.008-04:00

My credit card keeps hopping out of my wallet. I can't control the darn thing!! I keep telling it that these are tough economic times and it should be showing more restraint. But it just looks up at me with these big weepy eyes, and says, "But did you see HOW CUTE? Huh?? Did you SEEEEEE?"

Here's the most recent wave of damage ... er, I mean, SUPER CUTE FINDS!

For Playtime (or Casual Friday) : a T-shirt with this awesome, made-just-for-me-but-not-really-cuz-there's-no-way-in-hell-I'm-ever-giving-up-diet-coke logo:

($15 from Seriously, So Blessed)

For Home : this crazy cute poster calendar. You can frame it, and swap out the picture for each month. Buh-BYEEE ugly spirally top calendar. Hello Art.

($28 from my paper store, The Paper Store. It has no online presence because it's a store for paper. See how that works?)

For Work : this sassy Katherine Hepburny shirt will be just the thing to chase away my soon-to-be-winter blues. I can't wait to wear this with gray pants, or black pants, or blue pants. Or my gray pencil skirt, or black pencil skirt, or blue pencil skirt. The options are ENDLESS!

($36 at ModCloth)

I love shopping. Love. Love. LOVE.

Wherein Dad Enlists Help

2008-09-21T21:10:00.003-04:00

I got this in the mail the other day.

Dear Ms Hanson,

This is a formal request for a written retraction of the attack made on one Gary Hanson for being technically challenged. Be it known that his TV, VCR and DVD are now COMPLETELY operational without the help of the GEEK SQUAD. I'm sure that the world would like to know this, especially after the attack made on his intelligence in the blog of one Gretchen Hanson (his charming and beautiful daughter).

And so I say, Kudos to you dear Papa! How wise of you to invite the neighbor boy over to set it all up for you. Very wise indeed.

Wherein I Say Random Things and Surprise Myself

2008-09-16T14:40:00.005-04:00

ME (to co-workers): Hey! Do any of you guys have a brownie up your sleeve?

[Pulling a brownie out of my sweater sleeve as proof that I am, in fact, the only one present with a brownie up her sleeve. What can I say, sometimes my randomness takes even me by surprise. I choose to think of it as endearing.]

The Pie Hole

2008-09-15T20:42:00.010-04:00

Welcome, One! Welcome, All! To our brand new apartment in beautiful, historic Capitol Hill. After examining the features, we have christened it The Pie Hole.

J'taime The Pie Hole!

Let me explain. Our fab apartment makes up the top two floors of a row house. The house itself bends around the corner of North Carolina Ave, onto A street. The result is our apartment ends up being shaped like a slice of pie. Wider at the front of the house, and narrowing to a point at the back. Its kinda like a double-decker slice of pie. To add to the "pie" effect, the floors also slope slightly toward the back of the house. It is pie-like is every way. So of course, that means I LOVE it.

It is also, really old (hellllooo, Historic District? show some respect here, you young whippersnappers!). And a rental. With an absentee landlord. Which makes it just the eensiest bit of a hole. I can't really blame it. I mean, who among us couldn't use 10 grand worth of work done? (rhinoplasty anyone?) But, even without major surgery, its quite amazing what you can do with a Magic Eraser, some contact paper, and a coat of paint. Really quite amazing!

The Pie Hole never met an angle it didn't like. Except that fuddy duddy, Right Angle. Talk about a Par-tay Pooper!! The Pie Hole was right not to let lame-o Right Angle show his boring face anywhere in the whole house. Instead, we get the excitement of those wacky brothers Acute and Obtuse. They are so much fun!! Decorating is like super, duper, SUPER exciting. Camie (our resident interior designer) is really getting to flex her designer muscles!

Ok, so are you ready for a tour? YAY!! A Tour!

After coming in and up the first flight of stairs, you enter the The Living Room (Pie Crust view):

Features include:

Bay window
Hard wood floors throughout house
Built in wainscoating ledge (7" deep)

The Living Room, other direction (Fruit Filled Center view):

Features:

Fireplace
Stairwell from entry way below
Ample Sculptural art display area on top of stairwell.

The Kitchen:

Features:

Cabinets, Cabinets, CABINETS!!!
Pretty great view out to the cute backyards of our neighbors
Good appliances (fridge keeps food cold, Oven is great, dishwasher cleans dishes!! electric stove - eh, when you can't have gas, electric will do.)

The owner has an odd love affair with spherical sconces. They are in the oddest places, such as this one here:

It has been removed, because it is WAY ugly. And was totally blinding.

Twisty stairway up to the second level:

Features:

Butt-firming workout

Back bedroom:

Features:

Great pie-tip angle making bed placement really ... um ... exciting!
Huge windows perfect for hauling a box spring through
Very nicely sized closet

Bathroom:

Features:

BIG mirror to match my BIG ego
Great shower with amazing water pressure and lots of heat
Lots of storage space under that huuuuge counter for our ribbons and bows

Front Bedroom (Window View, not such a great picture):

Features:

Two good sized closets
Some of that nice ledge/wainscoating we saw from the living room
A bay window
TWELVE foot ceilings
Very good sized, and chock full of my new besties Acute and Obtuse

And that's it. That's the tour. Don't you just love The Pie Hole!? I do. I Heart it with my whole Pie Loving Heart.

It only makes it that much more loveable that I walked to the Eastern Market (DC's premier outdoor market) on Saturday to buy all kinds of delicious local fruit and veg that I promptly cooked up into some really yummy salad and soup. And tonight I ran laps around Lincoln Park while checking out all of the eye candy who were ALSO running laps. So it's super cute and super fun. But it's also totally going to make me eat better, buy local, hang out with my neighbors, get all skinny, and meet some hot jogger boyfriend. The Pie Hole will make all of my dreams come true. Just you wait and see.

This break from unpacking is brought to you by ...

2008-09-11T21:00:00.004-04:00

Hey everybody! I'm still alive. Buried under hundreds of boxes. But alive.

I really should be trying to dig myself out, but I had a chance to be a guest blogger at the amazing Food + Flower + Style, and no amount of sweater organizing was going to keep me from getting a piece of THAT action.

Food + Flower + Style is run by the two most creative and talented people that I actually know in person. They are amazing! If I weren't having a great time living my life, I would definitely trade it in for one of theirs.

I'll be back after I can get my life a wee bit more organized. In the meantime, check out Food + Flower + Style's blog, my post there, and the very stylish store (which is stocked with everything I ever wanted to buy).

Mustard Moves House

2008-09-08T18:31:00.007-04:00

Saturday Mustard and I packed our bags and moved to our awesome new apartment in Capitol Hill.

It was hands down the most complicated move I have ever been a part of, and I don't mind telling you I stayed up late several nights fretting about how we were going to keep all of the cogs moving. Foolishly, I didn't give myself any overlap days, so I had to do the entire move from top to bottom in one day. The entire process was pretty damn stressful.

Here was the basic plan:

Go to U-Haul, pick up the truck.
Drive it around back to load up all of Camie's stuff that has been in storage for 4 weeks.
Take it to the new apartment to be dropped off
Maneuver everything up one really skinny set of stairs, and for bedroom items up a tight spiral staircase.
Drive to Silver Spring, to load my apartment
Load my apartment
Drive back to Capitol Hill to unload my stuff
Take truck back
Pass out

At each stage we had to make sure we had a crew of people (read: men) who would be able to help. Not as easy to arrange as I'd hoped since there was apparently some sort of out of town Man Convention that all of my men friends claimed they were attending. For those I could get, some could only stay for so long, or arrive at a certain time, so there was a lot of coordinating to do. Plus I needed to make sure every one was fed, had addresses and directions for the multiple locations, and had our cell phones so they could meet up with us en route if need be. An event planner would have been proud!

As I sat there strategizing all of the ins and outs of this move I thought to myself, "You know what? This seems TOO easy. I need something that would make this move more exciting. Kick it up a notch. How about a Tropical Storm? Nothing like torrential rains and hurricane force winds to really motivate your movers!"

So I dialed up Tropical Storm Hanna and said, "Yo, Hanna! Babe! DC has been having the most amazing Summer in the history of the world. I really want to give my friends a treat on my moving day. Do you want to come over and spice things up for us? .... YOU DO?! Excellent. Let's see, I'm scheduled to move at 9. Would 8 AM work for you? Great. See you then!"

And so it was.

My awesome friends took all of the challenges of this move in stride, and were AMAZING! From my point of view it went really well! We all got really, really, and I DO mean REALLY WET. But nothing was ruined and no one got hurt or a cold, so in my book that counts as a resounding success! With any luck they'll stop cursing my name after I take them all out for a battery of very expensive lunches.

P.S. If you want to read the death-defying story of how the box springs were magicked up to our bedrooms, then check this out. There were at least 3 times when I thought for SURE someone was going to the hospital. Or the morgue.

P.P.S. Pictures of the new house will be coming soon. And BEST OF ALL, we have already christened it with the most perfect name.

Wherein My Dad and Technology Battle; Dad Loses

2008-09-02T18:29:00.010-04:00

For Father's Day I got my Dad a 3 month gift subscription to Blockbuster's Total Access. I thought it was a pretty great gift, since every time I call my parents my Mom reports that my Dad is busy watching TV. In regards to the televisionary arts I am my Father's daughter, so I totally respect and understand the dedication he has to TV and movies.

I thought that even though there was a little bit of technology involved with this present he could probably handle it. After all, he only needed to master his TV, DVD player, one website, and his mailbox. All things that should already be well in hand. Should. 'Should' was the word I should have paid more attention to.

When I gifted him I walked him through how to add movies to his queue and how the whole service worked. We were on target until he called me about a week later and said, "Hi sweetie! I've got a problem. I got the DVD, but my DVD player won't work."

"Oh no! Are you sure? Did you turn the power on?" I asked him. This might sound condescending, but believe me, it's happened before. And when it happens I can always tell because he'll say "Oh, nevermind, I fixed it. Bye!" and hang up. Tricky, Pop, very tricky.

"Yeah, but it's still not working."

"Hmm. Well, you know, there's this cord that comes out of the back of the DVD player. It's probably black. Follow that cord and make sure its plugged into the wall." I said, not sure what level of tech support I could offer from 3000 miles away, but wanting to start with the basics.

He called me a smart-alek and said he'd do some more poking around. And that was the last I thought about it.

Until today.

Today he called and said, "Do you have your tissues handy? Are you ready for a sad story?"

"Sure," I said, "what happened?"

"So remember how I couldn't get my DVD player to work? Well I called Justin, or Dustin, or something at Best Buy and he said he could help me but it would cost $100. I told him I needed to think about it. When I called back they said Justin/Dustin wasn't there, and that I really needed to talk to the Geek Squad. When I told the Geek Squad what the problem was they said that what I really needed was a Home Theater System with a thingamajiggy and a whizbob and that it was going to cost $200. I told them to kiss a pig.

"So, I'm sorry to tell you this, sweetie, but you spent all of that money on my nice present and I only got one DVD. And I wasn't even able to watch it! Now the subscription is expiring. Sorry!"

"Oh, that sucks! But don't worry about it. I'm just sorry that you didn't get to use your present" I said.

"Hey, since I didn't get to use it, doesn't that mean that I get another one?" he asked.

"Uhhhh. No. And, as a matter of fact, I'm not giving you another present until you use the one you have."

"That's not fair! I'm an old man. Do you know that I'm turning 70 this year? You should show me more respect" he pouted.

"I'll put that on my To Do list for 2009 right away! ... TO DO: Respect Dad."

"You're a bad daughter. You know what you can get me for my next present? See's makes some really good candies."

"Pop, See's really good candies will pull your 70 year old teeth out of your head" I pointed out, and he reluctantly agreed.

Silly Dad. But this was a good lesson for me. Next time I'm not getting him anything that was invented after the Industrial Revolution. I'm sure he'll feel right at home with his See's candy and wooden dentures.

We All Say, Good Riddance!

2008-08-28T20:06:00.005-04:00

My across the hall neighbor gives me the creeps. I avoid him at all costs and will deliberately hide out in my apartment if I hear him in the hall. Even if that means I'll be late places. But sometimes I get caught and talking to him is unavoidable. On those miserable occasions, this is how our conversation generally goes:

Him: Hi! Been a long time. How YOU doing? (leer)

Me: Fine, thanks.

Him: You're looking good! (leer verging on licking chops)

Me: Er. Thanks. Funny thing, I'm actually trying to set the land record for getting inside my apartment. Would love to chat, but can't. Sorry. Bye-eee!

This conversation, while uncomfortable, is actually pretty weird in person because he has some odd form of turrets that causes him to burst out with loud noises periodically. So our conversation is actually like this:

Him: Hi! Been a BOP! long time. ACK! How YOU doing? AAAAT!

Me: Fine, thanks.

Him: You're lo-AAACK-looking good!

Me: Er. Thanks. You're a smarmy dude and secretly I call you Snap-Crackle-Pop so why don't you just leave me alone? Mmmkay? Thanks. Bye.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike him because he's got this turret-ish problem, I dislike him because he's SO DISGUSTING. I feel like I need to take a shower in turpentine after talking to him. ICK.

So I was SUPER happy to come home today and see that movers were inside his apartment boxing everything up. The movers, on the other hand, were NOT SUPER happy to be boxing up his stuff.

As is my habit, ducked into my apartment and I curled up with a book. I was promptly lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of packing tape screeching and newspaper crumpling, underscored with a loud and cacophonous dialog between the Greek movers. It was a very peaceful nap. But even as I was coming out of this most restful of naps, I could tell that the poor movers were at the end of their rope with my frustrating and icky neighbor. This is what I heard:

Him: You gotta ACK gotta pack my BAP lamp. Don't forget to pack my lamp. BAH!

Greek Mover: De lamp? Ok, packing de lamp.

Crumple, crumple, crumple. Tumble of boxes. Tape screeching. Greek Chorus.

Him: Hey, where's my ACK lamp?

Greek Mover: We pack de lamp.

Him: WHAT!!? The lamp! BAP The Lamp! Where's my lamp? ACK

Greek Mover: YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!!

Greek Chorus, freaking out.

Greek Mover: You told us to packa de lamp!! We PACKA DE LAMP!

Him: Oh. ACH ok. It's packed. BAP Good. This is the box? Ok. Make sure you guys pack my other AHT lamp.

At this point I was tempted to open my door, grab some popcorn and watch the Greeks kill my annoying neighbor. It would have been SO SATISFYING.

If I had $1100 Dollars to Blow

2008-08-25T12:56:00.004-04:00

This 3.1 Phillip Lim bag would quickly become my permanent piece of arm candy.

I love its Frank Lloyd Wrightiness. The leather is so soft and supple, I just want to mash my face into it and whisper it sweet nothings all day long. The top of the bag - the part that holds the zipper - is white leather. Its a pity you can't see it in the picture, because you would agree that this splash of white is tres tres chic. In fact, I think that strip of white at the top is my favorite part about the entire bag.

And while I'm spending ridiculous amounts of money, I'll throw this adorable Marc Jacobs dress into my shopping bag.

I think its super quirky and so fun! Not everyone can pull off 80s inspired polka-dots, but I think I could be one of the lucky few. You can click on the picture to get a closer view of the cute seaming and pleat work. (Lovin that ruffly hem!) And to satisfy my risque side, the faux Peter Pan collar is sheer. Oh-la-la!

Le sigh. Ancestors, its at times like these I really wish you had done more to exploit the unwashed masses to build up a massive fortune and thereby leave us, your darling progeny, with very large and very lucrative trust funds.

The Fair and Other Assorted Diversions

2008-08-24T22:24:00.010-04:00

Oh my gosh you guys, I've been like crazy bizzy lately and have been seriously neglecting ye olde bloggy-blog. Muchos apologies.

But for real, look at all of the junk I've been doing!

First there was there County Fair, where I saw this:

I love a Demolition Derby (who doesn't right!?) but this year's was oh-so-great. It's not every year that cars launch up ON TOP of one another. Or smash through the jersey wall. It was so exciting that I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, "AWE-SOME! AWE-SOME! AWE-SOOOOOOMEE!!" while punching the air with one fist like some crazed Beattle fan and trying to take pictures with the other.

If the derby itself wasn't in and of itself WAY AWESOME, the night would have been worth it to see this championship mullet.

Behold the mullet.

It leaves me a little breathless, I have to admit.

I hereby dubbed the theme of this fair, The Food On A Stick Fair, and accordingly ate only food on a stick. If it has been a while since you've had a corndog - MEND YOUR WAYS! I forgot how divine they are.

Camie and I are both smiling weird in this picture because we were afraid we had junk stuck in out teeth. I do have junk stuck on my teeth, but it's intentional (and will be gone in a couple more weeks). Also I was balancing a cup of fries and three ketchup cups on my lap. This picture was taken about 2 minutes before one of those ketchup cups turned over, leaving a very attractive red blotch on my thigh. Super duper sexy, as usual.

For dessert, we hit the the ice cream stand. And I wanted a milkshake, but a milkshake isn't Food On A Stick, now is it? No, it is not. But Frozen Bananas are. So a Frozen Banana it was. This is what I learned about frozen bananas: One, they are really hard to bite into. Two, they aren't very tasty, especially when compared to a milkshake. Three, pictures while eating them are, well, rather awkward.

So the fair was awesome, but I've also been doing other great stuff to keep me from blogging. Like going to the beach.

Ahhh .... the beach.

And finally, tonight I had a party at my house. The final bash at my illustrious digs in Silver Spring deserved nothing less than a Taco Sundae Sunday. Tacos + Ice Cream Sundaes + Sunday = One Great Par-Tay. I, for one, had a great time, and I think my guests did too. Unfortunately, I was too busy having a great time and directing people to the taco bar or the ice cream bar to remember to take any pictures. Hostessing is very important and demanding work, so I can totally see why people hire photographers for these kinds of things.

Anyway, with all of this going on, you can see how blogging has fallen by the wayside. But next week I will be packing up my house which means I'll be blogging ALL OF THE TIME as I procrastinate sorting through all of my junk.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-08-20T22:21:00.000-04:00

Managing Expectations

2008-08-15T15:12:00.004-04:00

Camie called me the other night. She said, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting really excited to be roommates!"

"That's great!" I said, genuinely pleased. "I'm excited too! I guess this means that you've been having fun living with Anna?" Cam had to move out of her apartment a few weeks early, and has been staying with her former roommate Anna before we move to our new place at the beginning of September.

"Yeah! We've been to the pool every day, and we make our favorite drink -- which is DELICIOUS! -- and its just so NICE to come home and have someone there," she gushed.

"Wow, that does sound like fun! Anna really is the best. Didn't she also make you fruit and yogurt parfaits for breakfast too?" I asked.

"Yeah, she said that those were her breakfast of choice. Who was I to disagree with that?"

"Who indeed!"

After I hung up the phone I realized that despite Anna's saintliness, a bad precedent is being set here.

I believe I'm going to have to take Anna aside and ask her to introduce some behaviors that will help transition Camie to what life will REALLY be like living with a roommate. The first step will be to immediately stop making tasty snacks and being all companionable. The second step will be to use all of the hot water and take an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. The third, and I think most important step to attune Camie to what it will be like living with me, Anna will need to start talking (or singing, or tra-la-laa-ing) to herself as she grand jettes around her apartment.

Although it will go against Anna's very grain to adopt these measures, I think it's best to manage these expectations now. I don't want to find Camie sobbing by the front door and calling Anna's name after the movers leave us with all of our boxes.

Frankly, I'm surprised I have milk

2008-08-13T19:33:00.002-04:00

Feel free to come on by if you need anything buttered.

ADHD of the Heart

2008-08-05T19:29:00.007-04:00

"Hey!" Mustard said as I walked in the door. "I've got a surprise for you."

"Oh goody! I love surprises," I said before remembering that a Mustard-style surprise might be as welcome as a monster zit on your wedding day. "What'd you do? Reprogram the cable box so that every channel shows nothing but Sabado Gigante?"

"No, I didn't. But that's not a bad idea," he said getting that far away look in his eye that I've come to distrust deeply.

"So?" I prompted, "My surprise?"

"Oh riiiiiiiight. THE SURPRISE!" he said, adding with a mischievous little grin, "I've written you a song."

"A song?"

"Yes! A song, a ballad, a little ditty. To cheer your ugly mug up. I'm sort of sorry that online dating was such a bust. You know, as sorry as I get about anything, that is. I know you've been really sad about it."

"No I haven't."

"Uh-huh. You can't lie to me. I know. I have to live with you."

"I'm not lying. Really. I couldn't be happier that I'm done with the online dating. You didn't need to write me a cheer up song."

"Oh, but I did. I really did." When he gets this smug expression, there's no arguing with him. I sighed.

"So do I get to hear it or what? I didn't think you were very musical."

"I have many talents that you don't know anything about," he sniffed. "But I'll admit, I only provided new lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's most excellent Power Ballad, Total Eclipse of the Heart," he said, sinking down onto one knee to pay homage to the 80s classic.

"Put that lighter away before you melt yourself," I said.

"OK. Now, since this is sort of a duet, I'm going to need you to sing the "Turn Around" part. Can you handle that?"

"I think I can probably manage it." I said dryly.

"Great. Instead of saying "Turn Around" you're going to say, "Click Around." Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good," he said, all business. "And I only did one verse and the dramatic middle part - I don't have all day to focus my energy on your stupid problems. Here are the lyrics. Don't mess up."

"Ok. I'll try."

He stared at me.

"What?" I asked.

"You have to start," he whispered. Oh right. So after a rousing piano intro I started ....

click around
Every now and then you get a little bit lonely and you think you should see who's online
click around
Every now and then you're trolling profiles like a skanky cougar hoochiemama way past her prime
CLICK AROUND!
Every now and then you meet a guy who seems like he's perfect and everything he does looks right
Click around
Every now and then you picture your bright future sharing his kids with him and his shrewish ex-wife
Click AROUND, weird guys(?!)
Every now and then they're freaking tards!
Click around, weird guys
Every now and then they're freaking tards!!

And he's sending you weird texts
And he says you'd look good in leather
And if you'd only agree to be next
He'd buy a wedding dress made of pleather
And in only one date you'd be vexed
But to him that wouldn't matter.
Desperate just to meet you, he'd cross all the state lines
In your heart your sorry cuz he's weird and fifty-nine!
You don't know what to do, he's just so damn bizarre
Does he really think you want to spend your time talkin bout cars?!
You've gotta dump him tonight!
Being single's gonna start tonight!
Being single's gonna start tonight!

Once upon a time you would tolerate fools
Now it seems you don't have the art
Nothing you can do
You've ADHD of the Heart

ADHD of the Heart .... Click around, weird guys .... Click around, weird guys, Click arouuuuund

I hope you imagined him singing it with all of the hand-clasping, dramatic stopping, and knee-drops that belong in a Power Ballad. He did every one of them. It really amped up the emotion.

Gotta hand it to him though, I've got a regular Alan Menken on my hands over here. I know you are all WAY BEYOND jealous.

Sure to Induce Nightmares

2008-08-01T22:14:00.007-04:00

One of the best perks at my job is Pizza Friday. Have I told you about Pizza Friday? I should sometime since it's a funny little ritual. But I can't do it right now; I've got something more pressing to share with you. All you need to know for today's post is that during Pizza Friday my co-workers and I sit around one of the conference tables and try to out-wit, out-smart, and out-offend everyone else at the table.

Usually we talk about extreme sports or Office Space, but today someone asked what the strangest pet we ever owned was. The clear winner was one of the Russian girls who said she had a pet BEAR (?!?). But as weird, and yet somehow NOT weird as that is, it's not the story that's going to be keeping me up tonight.

Nope, the scariest story of the day was about a pet snake. Naturally. If you have a crippling fear of snakes, as I do, I suggest you don't read the rest of this post. Unless you're in a program, as I am, to try and build up your tolerance to them by slowly exposing yourself to snakes in harmless ways. Then it might be ok. But don't sue me. Dad, consider yourself warned. I don't want to hear any crybaby stories from you later.

So, this story was related by my friend Ryan. Apparently this happened to one of his friends.

She had a pet boa constrictor for years and years. She let it roam freely about her house. (Obviously, she wasn't in her right mind!) After years of letting this snake do just as it pleased it was getting pretty big and at the time of this story was probably around 5 feet long or so.

One night she woke up and found the snake stretched out alongside her in bed - STICK STRAIGHT! Of course this freaked her out, and so she picked him up and put him back into his tank.

The next night, same thing. Woke up to find the snake stretched out alongside her ... stick straight. Again, she put him back into the cage.

Since clearly this was weird behavior, she took the snake to the vet the next day to see if he had any idea what was up. When she told the vet that she'd found the snake stretched out next to her, the vet looked at her with a shocked expression and said, "He was measuring himself against you. To see if he was big enough to EAT YOU."

***

And now, readers, if you can sleep well after that story I salute you. I plan on enjoying my future as an insomniac. I expect I'll be very productive.

Who Knew I Was So Impatient?

2008-07-30T22:04:00.006-04:00

I did a really dumb thing this past weekend. Before I tell you what it was, let me try to justify my actions. Fruitless as that might be. And I'm sorry that this post is going to be really boring, since I'm just going to be talking about books, but for real, I CANNOT FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE this week. It's driving me batty.

So anyway.

I recently read the final book in Libba Bray's "Great & Terrible Beauty" series. It was pretty good, but it'd been a while since I'd read the first books in the series and so as my mind would drift off I'd notice that I'd been thinking such clever thoughts as "What the wha?" and "I don't remember this character AT ALL" way more often than was acceptable to make the book truly enjoyable.

Of course, after that frustrating experience I was wary about being unprepared for the finale to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. So I did the most logical thing I could think of and re-read the entire series over the weekend. Twilight, New Moon, AND Eclipse. That's about 1500 pages of angsty vampire/werewolf love. No I didn't go out of my house all weekend, and yes it was totally worth it.

Needlesstosay, I'm a major loser.

The problem is now I'm all in a frenzy for the final book, Breaking Dawn. And it doesn't come out until Saturday (or Friday night at midnight if you're a major loser like me). Which means that I've had A WHOLE WEEK TO OBSESS OVER IT! I can't even bear to give you the details of my obsessing because it's really embarrassing, but just know that I'm NOT talking about a mild interest here.

I should know myself well enough by this point to know that I SHOULD have taken work off Thursday and Friday to re-read the series, rather than force myself to spend an entire week in suspense. I can't believe I've put myself through this TORTURE! I have zero patience when novels are on the line.

I can console myself only by repeating over and over, "Two more sleeps. Just TWO more sleeps." But even that doesn't make it better. Will this week NEVER END?

Wherein I am Jealous of Myself

2008-07-28T21:17:00.005-04:00

So remember the super perfect apartment on Capitol Hill that Camie and I were hoping your righteous prayers would get for us? Well, someone out there must be doing something right, because although we ultimately decided not to go with that specific place - we ended up getting an apartment that's EVEN BETTER!

Blocks from Eastern Market, steps from Lincoln Park, the top two stories of a Victorian brownstone, hardwood floors, fireplace, a kitchen that's not a galley kitchen and Loads of Charm - this place is really going to be great!

And really, location couldn't be better. If we walk out to the middle of the street, instead of seeing the Capitol, we will see this little gem:

Know what that is? Perhaps, you don't recognize the building. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Marble + Ionic columns doesn't exactly narrow it down in this town.

How about I give you a hint and show you the inside ...

Got it now? Ok, then let's grab hands and jump up and down while we scream, "LIBRARY OF CONGRESS! LIBRARY OF CONGRESS!"

As a librarian, THIS is the ultimate. Living within yards of the Mother Ship ... well, ironically, there are no words.

I couldn't be happier! I think our apartment is going to be a raging success! So thanks everyone for being so extra-special-super righteous so Cam and I can have a swank pad to chill in. You're all invited over for mocktails (or cocktails, if Camie has anything to say about it).

We move September 6th. So if you're in the area, and are interested in getting some free pizza that day, I know a way we can arrange that.

I shouldn't love this, but I do

2008-07-23T10:11:00.002-04:00

** Apartment update: We're still waiting to hear. Hopefully something today or tomorrow. Keep your prayer rugs pointed toward Mecca! **

Unfettered

2008-07-22T20:00:00.005-04:00

Eighteen months ago ........

I wouldn't smile too widely because see that left front tooth? I HATED IT. Longer than the rest, it was the focal point of all of my self-consciousness. Even my jiggly butt failed to attract my criticism - all self loathing was reserved for THAT DAMN TOOTH.

So I did something about it.

Such a charmer with my braceface, doncha think? For all of you teens/adults out there that think you shouldn't get braces because it will dampen your social life ... let me tell you, it doesn't. I did just fine with the mens during this time of supposed social leprosy. It was a real lesson to me that if you are happy and have a good sense of humor you are just as attractive as someone that doesn't have metal welded to their face.

And now, today, I am reveling in their straightness and the fact that I got a few years put back onto my age. I don't look like I'm 17 anymore.

Hello beautiful teeths! I knew you were in there somewhere.

Oh, Biting! How I've missed you. Carrots, Celery, Apples! No longer shall we be parted!

But you know the thing I'm most excited about? Besides the straightness of them, of course. Is the Flossing .... oh how I've missed the flossing!

Me, The Linguist

2008-07-21T18:06:00.003-04:00

Maria2: Shoot! I can't remember the Tagalog word for 'village.'

Me: I think it's 'willage.'

Picture Us Here

2008-07-18T07:47:00.006-04:00

I'm all in a tizzy! Camie and I have been looking for an apartment for the last week, and yesterday I lost my heart to the most perfect apartment in Capitol Hill. Its so perfect I was up half the night tittering with excitement. I don't give up sleep for anything less than perfection.

If I walked to the middle of the street and turned right this is what I'd see:

(Fireworks optional)

If I turned to the left I'd see Lincoln Park:

(Fall foliage optional)

And if I went inside the apartment, I'd be in one of the best apartments available in Capitol Hill, if not the world. Clean, huge, bright, and renovated to perfection. All for the perfect price.

Most amazing of all, I was the first person to turn in an application, so there's a tiny snowball's chance that we could actually get this apartment.

SO PRAY, PEOPLE, PRAY!!! Get your golden calves, Torahs, Mexican Prayer Hands, rosaries, fasting, Hail Marys, or whatever else you might need to give your righteousness a boost. Because really, apartments like this one are only granted with Divine intervention. Its going to take all of our combined power to get this miracle to happen. I hope I haven't wasted all of my miracle bucks on minor things like avoiding parking tickets, because I really want to spend them on this apartment.

Sweatbands, Not Just for Frenzied TV Surfing Anymore

2008-07-14T18:12:00.004-04:00

I played Wii for the first time on Friday night with my friend Bryan. And, I'm pleased to let you know that I ROCKED IT! Well, not the bowling, or the golf. But the Tennis was mine all mine.

I didn't think I'd ever have an occasion to wear the smooth wrist sweatbands my pal Melissa gave me for Christmas (that girl is an alchemist at a dollar store; nimbly converting trash to treasures). But playing Wii is ideal for wearing sweatbands! First, they keep your hand from getting sweaty so you won't drop the remote. Second, they keep the wrist strap on the remote from chaffing your delicate wrist. Third, they inspire a little bit of WATCH-OUT! - I'm-One-BAD-MOTHER-of-a -WII-Player into your opponents mind, making your win that much easier.

Listen, don't mock. Hand-eye coordination isn't going to give me any kind of advantage. The only thing I've got in my arsenal is terry cloth. So GAME ON, SUCKAS!!!

Baby Glam, Modeled

2008-07-12T00:41:00.006-04:00

C'est Magnifique!

12 Pictures Worth 12 (or so) Words

2008-07-09T17:52:00.005-04:00

I discovered this little mosaic maker, and I think its SUPER FUN to use cool pictures from Flickr to illustrate things about me and my life.

To play the game right, you have to enter your answer to the question into a Flickr search and then pick one image from the first set of results - no cheating now my little black-hearted cheaters. Some of the questions are hard, like Favorite Food? Just one? Impossible. Or describing myself in one word? Very tricky. But anyway, I think my favorite is that seal. That seal is crackin me UP!

Questions and My answers:

1. What is your first name? Gretchen
2. What is your favorite food? Dark Chocolate
3. What was the name of your High School? Loveland
4. What is your favorite color? Pink
5. Who is your celebrity crush? James McAvoy
6. What is your favorite drink? Diet Coke
7. Where is your dream vacation? Prague
8. What is your favorite dessert? Pie
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? Beloved
10. What do you love most in life? Laughter
11. One word to describe you? Happy
12. Your flickr name? ghanson

Photo credits:
1. Gretchen, 2. Handmade chocolate cupcakes filled with blueberry cream and topped with dark chocolate ganache and some more of these absolutely delicious wild blueberries, 3. Loveland Statue, 4. 3 different pink eyechips, 5. james mcavoy, 6. Amazing Circles: Diet Coke Cans, 7. Farewell To Prague, 8. I Heart Pie..., 9. Beloved, 10. {side-splitting laughter}, 11. Happy Birthday Flickr Account, 12. Mark Messier with the Hanson Brothers

To create your own Flickr mosaic use this mosaic maker.

Tag, I'm It!

2008-07-02T15:14:00.005-04:00

Camie tagged me to fill out this little meme. What she doesn't know is that I love to fill out these things! To me they're totally fun. What's more fun that writing about yourself? Whenever I read them on other people's blog, I'm always thinking, "I hope they tag me! I hope they tag me!" So when I read that Camie had tagged me "to torture me" I was like, "YEEEESSSS! .... SUCKA!!!!!!"

So here I go ...

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ten years ago I was smack-dab in the middle of my LDS mission in Santiago, Chile. Sometimes, just to myself, I call my mission The Emotional Rollercoaster of Doom so I was sure that if I looked back in my journal to see what I was doing 10 years ago I would surely find some gems. Here are some snippets from the July 4th, 1998 entry. I was with my favorite companion, Mary Kay Marshall, and had actually started to really enjoy my mission (you should see the entries from March or so ... talk about glum).

"Elder Cummings called tonight with his panties all in a wad because we got home late last night. Marshall was like, Listen dude, we NEVER get home late, only the times you have called - which is totally true." (I've mentioned how I feel about being micromanaged haven't I? Plus I like that I used the phrase "panties in a wad" while on my mission.)

"Turns out one of the people we were prepping for baptism is not only excommunicated, but he's been in prison, AND is a con-artist. Nice, eh?"

"We were so poor this week!!! We get $8.56 for each of us a week to eat 3 meals a day. Hello starvation. But Tuesday Marshall and I were so sad and all we wanted to do was drown our sorrows. So we went to KFC and combined all of the money we had left and bought a side of mashed potatoes and an apple pie to share. It was pretty sorry."

Here's a picture from my scrapbook from about this time. We were getting ready to go outside - it's winter in July there you know - and I had on 7 layers of clothing. SO COLD! I didn't take off my long johns for 5 months. This is the room we lived in, you'll notice how skinny it is, I think it was supposed to be a closet. Just cozy enough for two!

Ahh Mission Life. Good times, good times. Wow, I'm glad it's 2008!

5 Items on your to-do list:

Get a pedicure
Have a slurpee
Go to the pool
Go to the mall
Wash my car

(I think I have the hardest life of anyone I know.)

Snacks I enjoy:

I don't snack too much, but when I do almost any food becomes a snack food: fries, ice cream, cookies, candy, protein water, dried fruit, fresh fruit, ribs ... seriously, anything! Right now I am really into Special K snack bars - they're crazy Delicious! It'd probably be easier to tell you what snacks I don't enjoy. Hard Pretzels. Yick. No likey.

What would you do if you were a billionaire?

All you people that say that you'd keep your job if you were a billionaire have clearly never had an opportunity to realize how great life can be when you don't have to work. I will DEFINITELY not be working.

If I were a billionaire I'd buy some great luggage and gather an entourage to accompany me as I travel the world ... maybe twice. When I'm done with that, I'll publish my memoirs or a travel guide ... maybe both. (That's the great thing about being a billionaire with no particular agenda: "maybe twice" and "maybe both" are totally acceptable.) Of course, I'll have to spend a little time making sure I'm a success by going on the publicity book tour. But once the tour's over I'll be ready to snuggle down into one of my amazing homes for a while. If I get bored, I'll call up Warren Buffet and we'll go for cheeseburgers and cherry cokes and talk about things that billionaires talk about. Maybe we'll start a book club for Billionaires only.

Other things I will do:

Buy books instead of check them out from the library
FedEx my luggage when I go on vacation
Have a chef
Have a personal trainer that will come to my house. Maybe they will live in one of the wings of my house in case I want to work out at a moment's notice. We'll see.

Being a billionaire is just chock full of maybes!!!

Places I would live:

Without a second thought:

New York City
London
Paris
Sydney
San Francisco
Washington DC (of course)

With a little more consideration:

Hong Kong
Dubai
Barcelona
Prague
Los Angeles
Any quaint European places, like a farmhouse in Provence or something along those lines.

Only if circumstances (aka a husband) force it on me:

The Midwest
Idaho
Salt Lake City
Anywhere without ready access to 4 star restaurants, a museum of art, and an H&M or IKEA. (The true necessities such as a Wendy's and a Target are of course, non-negotiables.)

Jobs I've had:

My dad started us off young by having us kids clean his office on Saturdays. The older kids would sit around in the conference room for an hour eating Taco Bell and drinking sodas (purchased with money from the petty cash drawer) while us little kids would hang around idolizing them and thinking they were the funniest human beings to have ever lived on this earth. Then, sensing that we would do anything to gain their approval, they would con us into doing all of their chores as well as our own. As a 4 year old I was pretty handy with a vacuum, I'll tell you. It was here that I learned that if you can manage to turn a 15 minute job into a whole hour's worth of work you get paid a heck of a lot more money. This has been a lesson that has continued to reap rewards as I moved onto other jobs.

Some of which include:

Assistant Innkeeper at a Bed & Breakfast
An assortment of fast food/waitressing jobs
Bartender (since I've never been a drinker, I always thought this was rather ironic. I said, "Here you go, hope that tastes like it should" a lot.)
Accounts Receivable clerk
Computer lab attendant
Bookstore barista (again, ironic that I've never been a coffee drinker either. I suspect I served up a lot of really horrible coffee.)
Shop girl at Ann Taylor Loft
Librarian

I'm now a Product Manager, which is a fun job, but hard to explain to people. Generally I just tell them that I'm a librarian, since that connotes the appropriate mixture of smart and sexy that I always strive to achieve.

So that's it. And now for the moment you've all been waiting for ... the TAGGING!! Muwahahaha! I tag my brother Kevin, so he can provide a rebuttle (if possible) to the claims I made that he forced his younger siblings into child labor. And I tag Bryan, because he's just getting his blog started and needs a really good retrospective post to get things going. Even though it'll be depressing when he tells us that 10 years ago he was in Jr. High. And I tag Holly, who just moved to Oklahoma, and is about to have another baby, so we'll probably not hear from her until daughter #2 is three years old. Give us something good to remember you by, Hol!

Baby Glam

2008-07-01T19:21:00.009-04:00

Look at Cute Bridgette. Already bored with her illustrious career as a High Fashion Muse.

Poor thing. Not everyone is born the niece of a world-famous Baby Onesie designer. I keep assuring her that all of her hard work being drop dead gorgeous will be worth it when she hits the Gymboree sporting one of her fabulous new designer baby fashions. Any baby would be thrilled, simply thrilled (!) to wear any one of these from my "Vocabulous Onesie" collection:

A Zoom, please ....

So darling! And perfect for helping convey your every mood. Plus, its never too early to start building your vocabulary. No?

Of course, being the thoughtful Aunt that I am, I realized right away that being so glamorous and being related to moi would naturally throw sweet Bridgette into the harsh media spotlight. We all know how bad for your temperament, not to mention your complexion, running from the paparazzi can be. Simply dreadful!

So I made her this. A girl must have some down-time, after all.

Alas, there will still be some people -- like Grammas and Pop-Pops -- that WILL insist on doing all sorts of inappropriate things like pinching cheeks, nibbling baby toes, and giving zerberts on her little diva belly. These people have no shame. They think that they can just PLAY with an International Super Baby Model? Its shocking.

Fortunately, Mustard agrees with me that this kind of thing is completely unacceptable and has offered sweet Bridgette the protection she deserves from these thugs. To strike fear into the heart of these ne'er-do-wells, Bridgette now has this little graphic tee to let people know exactly who they're messing with if they just can't resist giving her tummy a little tickle-tickle.

"Mustard offers you his protection"

These people have to learn that you can't just go around man-handling the talent. You're just going to have to resist the irresistible! Consider yourself warned.

The rest of you can join me in thinking Bridgette is Absolutely Fabulous!

(Ok you guys. Confession time. I'm not really a famous baby onesie designer - but I DID make these baby onesies for my niece all by myself. And personally, I think they're crazy cute! I don't craft, obviously, so no one is more impressed that I successfully made these than me! I'll admit that I ripped the idea off from my Master-Craft-Blaster friend Erin. She's so clever. And crafty. And cute.)

Mustard's Guide to Beach Fashions

2008-06-30T17:31:00.015-04:00

Mustard and I went to Ocean City, MD on Saturday for Maria's birthday bash. The day was hot. The waves were amazing. The chocolate-banana shake I got was out of this world! I'm a Pro-Beach Goer, so I know a spectacular beach experience when I see one. And THIS was a spectacular beach experience.

As a PBG, one of my sacred duties is to make sure that you, fair readers, make the most of your beach trips. By and large this is a pretty easy duty since simply being at the beach will guarantee that your quality of life just went up around 300%. But still, I want to do what I can to make sure you really relish your time there. And I'm sure you'll agree with me that if you're not dressed appropriately for the occasion ... well, it kinda ruins the whole thing.

So, Mustard, being the philanthropic guy that he is agreed to help me model some of the most stunning beach fashions.

Here I am, in a Whoops-I-Ate-Too-Many-Cheeseburgers-This-Week One Piece bathing suit and matching board shorts. All jiggly parts should be restrained if at all possible. Double-knit Lyrca is your friend, ladies.

Mustard caught a ride with me as we cruised the Boardwalk seeking the best fashions The OC has to offer.

We were certainly not disappointed.

Perhaps you'll recognize the designer ripped jeans below from the Spring Fashion Show in Milan? They were all the rage there, and now they've come here for us to covet. So chic! So trashy! So in love!

Haute Couture isn't for everyone though, I understand. So here are some perennial beach fashions that even the most fashionably backward of us can easily don:

The Shell Necklace (Shark tooth can be substituted for the shells, if you want to convey a tough-guy image):

The Beach Hair Wrap:

Both are completely ESSENTIAL to proper beach accessorizing. Don't leave your beach mat with out them.

Some people just have an innate sense of Beach Fashion. Don't you just hate them!??! This fellow has got the whole package working for him: Flowing shirt, fanny pack, glasses dangling artfully from their lanyard, almost concealed knee-brace, fishing hat dangling casually from that gorgeous fanny pack, and socks pulled up as high as they can go? YES! And PLEASE! C'est Magnifique! Iloveyou! MUAH!

One of the great things about the beach is that if you only have clothes from the 80s you'll fit RIGHT IN! This is the land that time forgot. So pull out that banana clip and wear it with pride. You'll feel right at home surrounded by the 80s fashions below:

Here we've got some v. fashionable sunglasses.

For him:

And for her:

Wish you had somewhere to wear your terry cloth sweatband? What about your day glow footwear? Check, and Check.

And of course, no beach wardrobe is complete without an evening look. Sophisticated, glamorous, sparkley, laced up, AND coordinates with your beer cup? Perfection!

I need hardly mention that the one thing you should always be wearing at the beach is a smile! A perma-grin, like the one Maria is modeling here is your best option.

Now go out there and get your Beach on with confidence, my little fashionistas!

Useful for Fancy Women and Cross Dressers

2008-06-25T17:02:00.006-04:00

One of the main reasons I read chick-lit is so that I can get the information my mother and older sister failed to relay to me when I was a teenager. Of particular interest are the grooming tips. Don't get me wrong, they both continue to be great role models ... but they dropped the ball when it came to teaching me how to tease my hair and put on liquid eyeliner. Can ANYONE put liquid eyeliner on evenly?? Chick-lit is fabulous for divulging these little tips.

I hope that none of you were similarly neglected by your mothers and older sisters. But on the off-chance you were, you can consider me your gorgeous older sister and I'll share with you the most recent tips I learned while reading Lauren "Devil Wears Prada" Wiseberger's latest: Chasing Harry Winston.

First, I had to give myself props because at one point one of the girls puts lemon-scented baby powder in her hair to get a sexy-just-tumbled-out-of-bed look. I have been using baby powder in just this way for years, and it's great! It can be a little tricky if you have dark hair because if you put in too much you look like you're wearing a powdered wig. The Regency Look is sooooo 1783; don't do it. Years of practice ensure that I've got the technique down pat, but I have no idea where one gets lemon-scented baby powder. This is definitely a must-get! Down with old-lady baby powder scent, Up with fresh and sexy Lemon scent! Sadly, a Google search comes up with nuthin. I'm starting to suspect that it might be one of those highly desirable, but ultimately unattainable fantasies, like an affordable non-shared apartment in New York City, that is so popular in fiction these days.

The second tip was used a couple of times in the novel and everytime I read it I thought, "Eeeuw! Gross!" But obviously, I'm not the expert around here, and so when they say that using lip gloss on your cheeks will give you a dewey rosey glow without making it look like you've got any make up on, I for one am willing to give it a try. And so I promptly pulled out a tube and started wanding away.

I'll admit the results are good: A nice pinky, dewey Nicole (Kidman, not Richie) look. It'd be a big winner - if I could get over having goopy circles on my cheeks! It's amazingly annoying. Especially if you consider how much bigger a problem the usual "lip gloss + unbound hair + wind" situation would be if three quarters of your face is sticky with gloss. You know what you'll end up being? A Woman with Mutton Chops. That is a bad, bad, BAD look.

So there you go. Two tips. One is great, but impossible to find the ideal supplies, while the other is a breakout waiting to happen. I knew there had to be a reason why they categorized chick-lit as fiction.

Just Put It On My Tab

2008-06-24T17:38:00.003-04:00

My little chapel is right smack dab in the middle of a lovely residential neighborhood. So every Sunday I feel really guilty that I have to park in front of somebody's house. The parking lot only has about 20 spaces, which means that the other 500 of us that come to church between 9 and 2 have no other choice than to invade the neighborhood.

Poor neighbors. Its gotta be a trial to have all of your discretionary parking taken over by a fleet of minivans and Honda Accords every single Sunday. I feel for them, I really do.

This past Sunday, they made an announcement from the pulpit reminding us to be considerate of our neighbors and to not park illegally. They will do this when the cops are seen in the neighborhood writing up tickets, its the church friendly way of saying, "if you parked like an ass go fix it before you get a ticket, idiot."

I thought back to my own parking job ... close to a driveway, but not blocking it -- wasn't as close to the car behind me as I'd thought and so I probably could have moved further back but was too lazy to get back into my car, start it, and reverse 5 feet ... and concluded that I was not in violation.

If you are ever parking in Residential DC, let me share with you a little fact that I learned when I returned to my car. You need to be five feet away from any turn out (including driveways) or else you will get a $50 parking ticket.

Le sigh .... If I had a boyfriend for every ticket I've gotten I would be Pam Anderson right about now.

Two other points of (mild) interest:

1) They made the original announcement about parking (which I suspect meant "there are cops out there") at about 9:30 AM. I didn't get my ticket until 11:50 -- TEN minutes before I left. grrr. Were they just out there handing out tickets for two hours I wonder? Perhaps they ran through a whole pad of tickets and had to come back to make sure all of us serial parkers got what was coming to us.

2) I turned in my monthly tithing check that day too. Made it quite an expensive day to be Mormon.

(Do you think I could deduct it from the next tithing check? Seems like a grey area that should be explored. What if I just deduct 10% of it? Would that work?)

Wherin DC Rules

2008-06-23T17:12:00.005-04:00

If you can overlook the violent thunderstorms and penchant for tornadoes we've seen so far, June is turning out to be a delightful month! I took advantage of the perfect, low-humidity 80s we had this weekend to do all kinds of outdoor activities. It's always nice to be outside without feeling like you're wearing a cellophane suit.

On Friday afternoon I went downtown to get my haircut and since I was just a couple of blocks from the Mall I decided to pop into some of the Galleries to see what they were exhibiting. It wasn't until I hit Constitution Avenue and saw the swarms of fanny-packed families that I exclaimed, "Egad! How could I have forgotten Tourist Season! Take evasive action QUICK!!" And I sprinted into the Hirshorn Gallery - which houses the modern art and is therefore most likely to be empty(ish).

I, for one, am glad that most of the peeps don't understand modern art because the Hirshorn is my favorite gallery and I'm always happy to have it uncluttered with people saying, "my three year old could paint that." I won't go into how irritating that is, because people that get it get it, whereas people that don't get it will not be convinced by any arguments I could make. But basically, the Hirshorn is good for great art that doesn't take itself too seriously. I can pretty much guarantee you that you won't see a painting like this anywhere else on the Mall and I love that!

However, one cannot spend too long being a pseudo-intellectual art snob; its way too tiring. And so I braved the crowds and headed out to the Sculpture Garden which was about to have their Friday after-work jazz concert. I was lucky to find a bench with a view of the fountain and the sangria line. After all of that snooty art, I was happy to sit back and listen to the Brazilian jazz band while critiquing the outfits (good and bad) of the passersby. This has got to be one of my favorite things to do in life.

But all good things must be replaced with other good things sooner or later. And so Camie came to pick me up and we went to get sushi in Dupont. To my great happiness, Camie discovered that she loves sushi. This will make picking a place to eat much easier in the future since I am ALWAYS up for sushi.

Unfortunately, we finished off the night by going to the Singles Conference dance ... which was a massive mistake, and should be expunged from my memory immediately lest I dread being old and single enough to actually do something about it. I cannot even comment on the horror of the event. But you know what they say, Trauma + Time = Humor. So maybe in a decade or so I'll tell you about it.

Saturday was just as action packed, if not quite as high-brow. I spent the afternoon at a Golf Clinic. I haven't picked up a club for about 10 years, but I slipped right back into my old habits and before I knew it had fallen into my old pattern of slicing, chipping, swearing, putting, swearing, putting again, and cheating. It's nice to know that all of the skills I had honed all those years ago were able to resurface at a moment's notice.

After the golf, I went to the Nationals baseball game with some friends. As usual, most of the game was spent walking around the concourse looking for the perfect hot dog stand. Don't even doubt that I found it. The rest of the game was spent trying to get The Wave started. I love stadium sports!

I have to admit that all of that big-city living left me feeling pretty proud of myself. Generally, all I can manage to do on the weekend is go to the grocery store and the gym. And even that is negotiable. It was pretty great to be out in the city all weekend taking advantage of all of the wonderful things it has to offer. I never forget how much I love it here, but its weekends like this that remind me why I love it and why I have no excuse to ever use the words "I'm bored."

WWMD?

2008-06-19T20:57:00.004-04:00

Earlier this evening my cellphone beeped to tell me I'd gotten a text message. I automatically groaned. Mustard looked up from the model plane he's building and said, "What was that for?"

"It's my text message stalker. He sends me the most pointless texts. I Haaaaaate it." I replied. Mustard just shrugged and turned back to his model, but it occurred to me that I need a little bit of advice on how to squelch this stalker. Ruthless advice would be best. And who better to give ruthless advice than our own dear Mustard?

"Listen," I said, "you're a guy, er ... sort of. Maybe you can help. This is the fourth text I've gotten from him today. Every single one of them said, 'Morning' - even the one I got at 8:45 at night. What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Did you respond?" he asked.

"No. He doesn't give me anything to respond to! What am I supposed to say back? Hi? I have to pay 10 cents a text, and I don't want to say hi to him at all, let alone pay 10 cents to say hi. In fact, ALL of his texts are a greeting of some sort: 'Hey', 'Yo girl', 'What's up?' A couple of times I tried to get some conversation going by responding back with 'Hey, what are you up to?' and do you want to know what he said to me? '6 2 200!' Which took me about 5 minutes to figure out means 6'2" 200lbs."

Mustard raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I know. RETARDED, right?"

"Mentally" he agreed.

"I finally started being mean to him and saying things like, 'Do you ever say anything beside different variants of hello?' and do you know what he wrote back? 'Yes.' That was it! Just 'Yes.' And he's still sending these hello-style texts. Its been about two weeks now. I don't respond and he won't stop!" I concluded.

"Well, Gretchen, I'm glad you've come to me for advice." and he drew up a little closer. "You think you're being mean by sending a nicely worded message subtly highlighting that his texting style is irritating, but what you don't understand is that giant morons don't understand subtle. You're essentially saying, 'tee-hee-hee, silly boy, you say hi a lot.' but what his giant moron ears hear is, 'You are clever and charming and I love it that you say hi all the time because I'm as needy as you are!' This form of female-male conversation is pretty common. I'm surprised you don't speak idiot-man fluently by now."

I grinned. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

"But it looks like what you've got on your hands here is actually pretty rare. Looks like you've got a genuine ass face loser. Can I say ass face? No? Well sorry. You might need to get a little more comfortable with profanity if you want my advice in the future. Anyway, the point is that this guy seems like he's a real tool. A doofus. An idiotic twit. A ..."

"Right, I get it. How do I get rid of him?"

"You've got to spell it out for him. Don't let there be any room for confusion or misunderstanding. You've got to idiot proof it. Obviously.... Because he is an idiot." he clarified, in case he hadn't spelled it out well enough for me.

"I see." and I did. His logic is irrefutable. "And what if he keeps texting me?" I asked not relishing the idea of the straightforward message I would have to send.

"If that fails then you think, What Would Mustard Do?"

I looked at him expectantly. What would Mustard do?

He looked back with a "no-duh" look on his face and said, "Swear at him. Then block him. Then swear again, for emphasis. Man! It's like you don't know me at all!" And he turned back with a humph to glue the propeller onto his plane.

I sighed, picked up my phone, and chanting "WWMD, WWMD" sent a VERY straightforward text.

Hello My Future Girlfriend

2008-06-17T19:02:00.005-04:00

Although I love this little video for a million reasons, I can't help but wonder if this little boy grew up to be a creepy lurker. He's got the mullet for it.

Bye. Thanks for stopping by.

Different Strokes for Different Folks

2008-06-16T18:58:00.006-04:00

There are some things in this world that constantly surprise me. Not because they are surprising things, but because they are just far enough outside of my sphere of normalcy to catch me off-guard whenever I hear about them. And I'm always like, "Really?? You do that? That is SO WEIRD to me!"

Like when people that are not in high school or college smoke pot.

Or when people go to the Emergency Room.

These aren't uncommon things, but it just surprises me when I hear about it. I'm not judging, and I'm not saying people shouldn't go to the ER, I'm just saying its weird to me. Just like I think its weird that people want to go to the National Museum of the American Indian. Not wrong, exactly, just not something I'd ever consider doing.

What normal things are weird to you?

Wherein I'm Blessed For Going to Church

2008-06-15T14:38:00.004-04:00

I go to church regularly, but some days its a real struggle. 9 AM is such a HARD time for me to be anywhere. Especially because I love to stay up late, as I think I've mentioned before. And Friday and Saturday nights are sacred because they are the only two I can really stay up as late as I'd like. So this morning there was the usual battle with myself over whether I should stay in bed or get up and go to church. It was a long and bitter fight, but in the end I got up and went. That's the nice thing about church, even when I don't want to go, I'm always glad when I make the effort and go. It's always worth it. (Plus afternoon naps are so delightful.)

So anyway, after church I was standing in the hallway talking with some people when this guy came up to me and said, "Is your name Gretchen?"

And I was like, "Yes" on the outside, but on the inside I was like, "Oh crap. Do I know this guy? I don't think I do, but I wish I did because he's crazy cute!"

And he said, "Do you recognize me?"

Unfortunately, I had to say no. Oh WHY!? WHY did my answer have to be no?!

But he pressed on, "I don't look familiar to you at all?" He seemed so disappointed that I didn't know who he was that I considered 'fake remembering' him. But I didn't; I just apologized and asked his name (hoping like crazy that I'd recognize it). Which was when he told me that he was the brother of one of my favorite roommates from BYU. A roommate that I've been looking for for years! I Google her about every 3 months, but I can't find her. Do you guys have friends like that? They get married, change their names, and just seem to drop off the map. And HERE! - here was her handsome and very cool brother delivered neatly into my life to solve this mystery. He should have come with a bow on his head.

As we talked, all of these little details started creeping back. Things like the names of the other members of the family, what their parents do and where they lived, and oh yeah, that he and I went out on a date or two once upon a time. He reminded me that we went to a Thai restaurant that had really slow service and was named "Wok Right In" (naturally). He obviously has a top-notch brain because that's a lot of detail to remember about a date that happened 13 years ago! (I can barely remember the event at all - but I don't blame myself. That was like a century ago. Geez!)

So anyway, I can't decide what I'm more excited about. Getting back in touch with my long-lost friend, or renewing my friendship with her brother.

But, as excited as I am, I'm also a girl and so I'm just a tad self-conscious that he was able to recognize me so easily. I know I look young, but do I still look just like I did at 19? I don't consider my college years to have been my most attractive years. They were full of frumpy clothes, bad skin, and other horrors like feathered bangs. I hope I'm not having a relapse.

Let's Take This Relationship Online

2008-06-05T16:40:00.005-04:00

Chatting with a guy at a party this weekend:

"So. Are you on Facebook?"

"Yes, I am."

"Under what name?"

"My name. Gretchen Hanson."

"I think we should be friends."

"Facebook Friends?"

"Yeah, Facebook friends."

"OK. Send me an invite. I'll confirm it."

That being decided we immediately stopped talking to each other face to face.

Rochester is the New Darcy

2008-06-02T16:06:00.005-04:00

In my very educated opinion, I think we are finally coming into a new era of BBC man lust. Mr. Darcy reigned for a solid 15 years as the dreamiest dreamboat to wear breeches, but I think he's just been overthrown by the surly Mr. Rochester. Watch the new version of Jane Eyre, and see if you don't agree with me that Rochester is a hunka-hunka-brooding-manlitude. All of that scowling and grumping around? Yes! And PLEASE!

(If you need more convincing, you should know that he's Dame Maggie Smith's son. And crazy hot when he's had a haircut and is smiling.)

Wherin My Vacation Ends and I'm Sad

2008-06-01T23:10:00.007-04:00

Beyond this fence are the wild ponies of NC.

I'm in deep mourning tonight because my vacation is ending. I've had 10 days off ... and each one was a perfect pearl of fun.

I completed all of my plans for Memorial Day -- pool, pedicure, slurpees, and general frivolity with the girls -- followed by my trip to the Outer Banks, North Carolina.

I spent the rest of the week in one of the large beach houses there, named Sea Splash. The owners always name their houses lame things like "Life's a Beach" and "B-lo C." If I ever have a beach house I'm going to name it "Juicy Juicy Mangoes." Anyway, this is the house I stayed in...

I started out the week with some people that I knew from Church, who were lovely, but secretly, I was super excited to be alone. I figured I like being at my house alone, so how much BETTER would it be to be at the BEACH alone!? I could do all of the stuff I do at my apartment, but AT THE BEACH! And I was right. It was bliss! Absolute bliss!

It was perhaps the most perfect vacation ev-ah! The weather was perfect. I read three books. Slept in. Stayed up late. Ate cheeseburgers and peach pie for dinner and blackened fish tacos for lunch. Discovered a shipwreck on the beach. Took long walks. And really really didn't want to come home.

If there is any icing to be put on this perfection of a vacation cake it was the price. The whole trip INCLUDING gas cost me about $100.

And now?! NOW I have to go back to work. It's beyond depressing. I guess it has to end. All good things must end. Right? That's what everyone says anyway, AS IF that makes it any better. I'm here to tell you ... IT DOESN'T.

More Hansons

2008-05-30T20:34:00.009-04:00

I'm taking a quick break from this ...

and this ....

AND THIS! ...

to let you know that there is one more Hanson now gracing this fair land. My darling new niece, Bridgette has arrived and is way more beautiful and charming than any baby I've ever seen. (I thought my brother was exaggerating, as new fathers will, when he said "she's gorgeous" but really, look at the little video I linked to and you will agree that this girl is, in fact, gorgeous. If she wasn't a baby AND related to me I'd probably be wicked jealous.)

So anyway, Bridgette and Gretchen. Good names, right? Not very similar though. It might surprise you to know that if someone doesn't remember my name is Gretchen nine times out of ten they will call me Bridgette. It's really the most amazing thing. And I always look at them, like, how in the WORLD did you get Bridgette out of Gretchen? But now, I'll just smile and say, much like Flower in Bambi, "You can call me Bridgette if you want to." Cuz who wouldn't want to be confused with such a little bundle of preciousness?

I'm thrilled about my new little niece! And I hope she likes being called Gretchen as much as I like being called Bridgette!

The Weekend of Canceled Plans

2008-05-25T21:08:00.004-04:00

I went into this Memorial Day weekend with A LOT of things on my plate. I was exhausted just thinking about all of the plans I had. But this was the weekend where one thing after another got canceled, so that by the end only about 3% actually became a reality. Instead, I've been slacking off and hemorrhaging money at various Memorial Day sales. This is what I should have been doing:

Saturday:

Volunteer at the Botanic Gardens - Canceled due to my extreme laziness
Hair Appointment - Canceled due to a house showing at the hairdresser's
Gym - completed
Buy a new Camera - completed
Grocery store - completed
Laundry - completed
Shopping for new shoes and purse - unplanned but completed
Buy a few new books at Borders - unplanned but completed
Watch The Country Girl (which is a surprisingly great movie! It's Grace Kelly as you've never seen her. I highly recommend it!!) - unplanned, but totally worth it!

Sunday:

Church - Canceled due to another attack of my extreme laziness
Lunch date with a fellow from Virginia - Canceled due to him taking his mom to the ER
Walk to the video store to return my movies - completed
Detour during walk to talk a nap in the park - unplanned but necessary
Sunburn due to nap in the park - unplanned and undesired
Dinner date with a fellow in town from Seattle - Canceled because no firm plans were in place and he talks about himself in the 3rd person with a Fernando's Hideaway accent. ("Armand is being in town tonight. Would you like to get together with Armand?")

All in all, it wasn't a bad weekend. I just didn't do as much as I thought I would. But tomorrow! Tomorrow is when all of the really important things are happening!

Gym
Super Fun Time Pool with Camie and Anna
Slurpees (can be combined with either the item above or below)
Pedicures
Possibly see a Movie
Drive to the Outer Banks to begin my WEEK LONG BEACH VACATION!!!

So, as you can see, there had BETTER be a higher success rate. If nothing else, there will be the trip to the beach. All hail the beach! And All Hail Week Long Vacations!

Hamlet al fresco

2008-05-24T19:34:00.006-04:00

So one of the things you're going to have to deal with if we are going to be friends is that I like routine. I tend to find the things I like and then I do them over and over again. Fortunately, since we're just internet friends you won't be subjected to things like eating the same salad everyday. But you will notice a bit of repetition in the events I attend. I'm sorry, but there are just some things that happen in this city that I never get tired of!

One such event is the Shakespeare Free for All. Every year the Shakespeare Theater Company performs a play at the Cater Barron outdoor amphitheater in Rock Creek Park. This year they put on Hamlet. And it was awesome, as usual.

I think my favorite thing about this event, besides the freeness of it, and the superb production quality, is the venue. Watching theater outside is always fun, but Carter Barron is especially fun because it just doesn't feel like it belongs in DC. It's entirely too woodsy to fit into this sheet glass and marble city. It's got a real campfire and khaki feeling to it. Every time I go there I just want to pull out my fire-poking stick and start making tin foil dinners.

My second favorite things about this event is the announcement they always make before the production starts. It goes something like this: "Parents, if your young children start to cry during the performance please take them to the wooded area." And I, little devil that I am, can't help but follow this announcement up with, "... which has been stocked with bogeymen."

Yup, I could make that joke year after year.

A Date, In Three Parts

2008-05-20T13:31:00.004-04:00

So, my date on Friday night.

Y'all want a report, right? Well, the best way to describe it is to compare it to a Jr. High Spring Musical. It started off poorly, then got sort of OK in the middle, ended pretty well, but in retrospect should never have happened.

In Which It Started Off Poorly:
So Captain Awesome (that's his nickname, because he thinks he's so awesome) was supposed to call me on Thursday night with the details of where we would be going to dinner on Friday. We were planning on meeting in Baltimore. Here's a rough transcript of the call:

CA: Hi, what are you doing?
Me: I'm busy watching The Office season finale.
CA: That's cool. So I hope your day was good. This is what I did today, blah, blah, blah, blah [transaction not recorded because it was way less interesting than The Office.] blah, blah, blah, blaaaaaaahh.
Me: hmmmm. Ok.
CA: So I haven't figured out where we should go tomorrow. Have you ever heard of "Johnny's"?
Me: No. I never go out to eat in Baltimore so I don't know any restaurants there.
CA: Well, it sounds like it's a diner so I don't think we should go there.
Me: Alright, let's not go there.
CA: Have you ever been on Broadway?
Me: No. I never go out in Baltimore, so I don't really know the street names.
CA: It looks like there are a lot of places on Broadway, we could just walk into one.
Me: [getting impatient because I'm missing some really funny parts in The Office.] That'd be fine, but there will be a wait. I'm just sayin. .......... Alright. [clearly, I have to take control of this situation, otherwise this will take all night.] I have heard of one restaurant called The Blue Agave. It's supposed to be pretty good mexican food.
CA: The blue what?
Me: Agave. It's a cactus.
CA: What?
Me: AGAVE. A-G-A-V-E. Agave.
CA: Oh! The Blue Agate?
Me: No. Agave, with a V! V as in Victor. AGAVE!
CA: Oh, Agave. Ok. I'll look that one up and call you tomorrow with details.
Me: Great. Bye.

That little convo didn't win big points with me. The next day I got a text followed by a phone call that said, "Hey let's go to the Blue Agave, it's the best Mexican food in Baltimore." And I was like, Yeah, I know - I told you that, moron.

So I was less jazzed than before to go out. But I just kept thinking, Tortillas ... mmmm, Tortillas ... to keep up my spirits as I drove up to Baltimore.

I should have known better than to go into Baltimore with only roughly copied out directions. Baltimore is the equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle for me and I NEVER go into Baltimore without getting hopelessly lost. So there I was following my directions, when suddenly the street I was supposed to be following disappeared. Poof! Gone!! I drove all around the intersection where it disappeared, but it never reappeared. And then ... well, then, what was there to do besides just keep driving? With no idea of where I was going I quickly found myself deep in the heart of The Ghetto. And I'm not talking about some grungy area that white people call the ghetto because they've never seen a trash pile on a street before, but the REAL LIFE GHETTO with rows of abandoned and boarded up buildings and people out on the corner looking all shifty-eyed. Ghet-TO.

The only thing to do was to keep driving. Yes, keep driving, because if I were to stop the scene would probably have looked a lot like those Amazonian Army Ants that swarm along their path leaving only a MINI steering wheel behind.

As I drove, I called Captain Awesome to tell him how much I hate Baltimore and that I was hopelessly lost. Fortunately, he had a GPS and so he got my coordinates and came and rescued me. Which was .... embarrassing. To say the least. He thought it was great though. Like some knight in shining armor and I was his damsel in distress. Whatever.

By the time we got back to where the restaurant was, our reservation was long gone. Not willing to postpone eating any further we went to The Hard Rock Cafe in the Inner Harbor. When I told Camie this later she burst out laughing. And I was like "What's so funny about that?" And she said that she couldn't think of any situation that was LESS like me. "You hate the Inner Harbor and you hate Hard Rock Cafe." Which is true. She knows me well.

In Which it Got OK and Ended Pretty Well:

Things really picked up when I finally got to eat some food. I was starving. And irritated after my tour of the Slums of Baltimore. I ordered a salad, which was ok despite the 1/4 inch of water in the bottom of the dish. He ordered a chicken sandwich with fries. I reflected on how they should really serve salads with a side of fries. I mention this because later we were talking about our eating habits and he said this: "What I ate tonight? I never eat like this. Really. I don't. Never. I can't believe I ate it tonight. I don't know what I was thinking." I made some comment about how I eat a hearty diet of junk food, but inside I was thinking, "Shoot! I should have asked for his fries!"

After eating, we headed back to our cars, and I headed home without incident.

In Which I Reflect:

So on the phone Captain Awesome talks and talks and talks and talks. Which at first was OK. But now it's mostly annoying, because every once in a while I'd like to say something. But I can't, because he's talking. I hoped that in person this wouldn't be such a problem, because he'd see from the Shut-The-Hell-Up expression on my face that I had something to say. And it was slightly better ... but when I looked back on our conversation I realized that he would let me start a story, but then interrupt and we'd end up talking about whatever he had brought up. And I was bamboozled into never actually getting to say anything.

Also, he's amazingly narrow minded and judgmental. And I've got enough weirdness in my life that I don't need anyone walking into it with a lot of opinions about how I should be living it. (He'd definitely not approve of the amount of cheeseburgers I consume in a given year, for example.)

So. As far as second date's go, it wasn't too bad. Not great - especially the getting lost part. But not terrible. Do I want to go out again? No, not really. But I don't really want to go out with anyone. Dating is just way more effort than its worth. I can buy my own watered down salad, thankyouverymuch.

Lars

2008-05-15T18:20:00.003-04:00

So I've got plans already, but you guys should rent a video this weekend. I've already decided what you should get because I hate it when you guys fight in the movie store - it's so embarrassing! You will rent Lars and the Real Girl!

Think a movie about a man that falls in love with a sex doll isn't for you? Let me assure you that it is. It really is. (That is, if you like love and unrequited love and the possibilities of love combined with quirkiness and bizarre clothing choices and delusions. Then, yes, this movie is definitely for you.)

And just so you don't think I'm a perv - this is rated PG-13 and is completely viewable by sensitive eyes.

Plans

2008-05-14T21:08:00.006-04:00

So many of you have asked about the outcome of the date I went on recently. Sorry I was oh so mysterious by giving all of the pre-date details and then failing to report on the actual date. This was partly an attempt to make the post a little more intriguing, and partly to cover myself if the second date never materialized.

Well here's the report, albeit belatedly. We went to dinner. We had a very nice time. He was a perfect gentleman. We laughed. He carried most of the conversation. I was glad to let him carry it. We both said we wanted to go out again. (I actually was interested in going out again, which practically never happens. Seriously. Never.)

I've learned over my long and rocky dating career, that if there's anything you want to happen you would be wise to keep mum about it. Otherwise it will never happen. And then you have to make up some excuse to tell people about how you never really wanted it in the first place and you are SO RELIEVED that you didn't end up having to deal with it, just so they can't see how disappointed you really are. Believe me, a little forbearance when sharing your hopes and dreams goes a long way in the dating world.

So yes, I was interested in going out again. But days and weeks started slipping by, and while we were still talking on the phone regularly saying things like, "we should definitely go out again soon" and "yes, definitely" somehow it never really managed to get put together.

Until tonight.

Tonight we finally made plans to go out this weekend. Friday, in fact.

Pity I'm sort of over it now. The second date I was eagerly anticipating three weeks ago has deflated like a bad soufflé. Going from the "Fairy tales do come true!" category to the "This might be slightly better than staying home watching Lifetime. But not if there's a Will and Grace marathon." category.

I've come to the conclusion that I am not desperate enough or not patient enough to be good at dating. Either way, I lose interest too fast for my own good.