I've Moved!

Testing ... Testing ... one-two ... Ahem. Anyone still out there? 

Well, if you are ... I love you. HOLY CRAP people, why are you still hanging around this abandoned shell of a blog?  

So yeah, sorry about that. I kind of fell off the life wagon. I had to move to the desert to get a grip on myself and now, now, I think I'm finally ready to pick it all up again. 

Thanks for hanging in there with me. You guys rule. 

Along with a new physical address, I've got a new webaddress.  

You can now find me at 

BarelyPassingMustard.com  

Go check it out. There's lots of good stuff coming there.  I wouldn't abandon you twice, amigos! 

PS: Mustard's coming too. And he found a girlfriend. It's so weird! 

 Bry is making this for me. It's gonna be wayyyyy awesome.

Big Ideas While Going Down

Yesterday I rounded the corner to the elevator bank and one of my new co-workers was already there waiting to go down. I'm new and don't know my co-workers yet, so it would have been perfectly normal to introduce myself or something. But I was struck by a sudden fit of shyness and we rode down the ten floors in silent awkwardness. The silence belied my inner turmoil over the event.

You lucky people are getting a peek behind the curtain at the rough transcript of my inner monologue:

10th floor - I should introduce myself and make some cheesy small talk

9th floor - Although I don't know why I should have to. I'm the newbie around here. He should be trying to make ME feel comfortable.

8th floor - It's almost too late now. If I said something now, it'd just be way too weird ..... This is awkward.

7th floor - If only I didn't get randomly shy like this. Why do I do this? It's like a personality land mine. I never know when it's going to strike.

6th floor - I ask you!? Is there anything more awkward than riding in silence with a semi-stranger in an elevator? I don't even have my phone. This is torture. TORTURE!!

5th floor - I should have just said hi. What's so hard about saying hi? Sheesh! I wish there was a pill I could take that would change annoying personality traits, like random bouts of shyness that make it impossible to talk to strangers in elevators. That'd sure be handy right about now.

4th floor - Hey, wait! That's a pretty good idea. Why hasn't anyone invented this yet? How great would it be to have a pill that you could take that would make you want to talk to elevator people?

3rd floor - Pretty damn great. Maybe a drug is a little much ... but a vitamin! It could be a vitamin

2nd floor - Oh, I like that. An "I Like to Talk to Strangers" Vitamin. There'd be a huge market for that! And you could have a whole line of personality vitamins. Flirty vitamins ... Confidence vitamins, .... Bravery vitamins

1st floor - I really can't believe someone hasn't developed this! What the hell do scientists do all day anyway?

Speedwalking away from my coworker across the Lobby - Oh wait. They might already have it. They call it Vodka. Shit.

Dynamite Hack

Some of you might think that I am advocating hemorrhoid medicine all of the sudden. But it's not true. I don't care if you have hemorrhoids. And I certainly don't care how you treat them.

However, my email seems to think that everyone I know wants hemorrhoid medicine, or to know how to live without eczema, or to feel the energy of man power. And so I spammed you. Accidentally. Or on purpose if your the bastard that hacked my account and sent out random emails.

The up side of this was that I got a lot of nice emails back from people I haven't spoken to for a while. I also got a couple of dinner invites out of the deal. Saaweeeeet!

But the best part about the whole thing was the response I got back from my realtor. She's the sweetest lady, but this response to "my" email is hilarious.

"My" email:
Forget about hemorrhoids! . http://bigfakeaddress.com

Her reply:
That is great! Nice to hear from you!!!

Homework

With all of my free time I'm trying to do a little creative writing. Nothing y'all are ever going to get to see, but just greasing the old wheels. Anyway, this writing book says that at the end of each day I'm supposed to write down what was worth writing about today. So, since I need to blog and the muse isn't striking me - you're going to get my homework.

1. I had a serious case of the Mondays today, which is a bummer since it's a Tuesday. I was dreading, dreading, DREADING going to work. But I drug myself there, and much to my surprise, when I actually looked at what I had on my calendar it actually turned out to be a pretty light and relatively easy day. I used up all that dreading for nothing.

2. I'm back on my diet of fruit smoothie for breakfast, salads for lunch and shrimp/mango/avocado tacos for dinner. I love that diet - it's delicious and has like 14 calories. Not like the Burger King I ate yesterday. They post the calories on the fast food signs in California (where I was yesterday) and let me tell you those numbers made me want to binge and purge right there on the linoleum.

3. I watched Raising Hope tonight. I don't watch TV much anymore, and boy oh boy that show is hilarious. My favorite part of the episode was when Bert called yoga "Slow Karate." Awesome.

4. All day I've been thinking of this quote from the book Please Ignore Vera Dietz: "All his theme songs are in minor chords." Love. That.

Perhaps not much really worth writing about today .... but I'm just doing as I'm told.

I'm Hooked on Phonics

Something weird just happened. I sat down to write this post and I had Michael Jackson playing, and I had to turn it DOWN because I couldn't CONCENTRATE.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really? Turning MJ down? That's disturbing to the very core.

Holy shit, I'm getting old.

So anyway, now that I've got the Lawrence Welk Singers going at a nice quiet hum, let's get blogging.

Alright, so yes, I've moved to Scottsdale, AZ. On the surface this looks like the behavior of a crazy person. I'd lived in DC for 11 years and I loved it. I mean LOVED IT. I loved the city, I loved the hustle and bustle, I loved the green forests, I loved it all. But the weird thing about DC is that it's a very transitory place which means that people are always coming and going. Well, one day I turned around and I noticed that instead of coming and going people had just been going.

I had just a small handful of very dear friends left in the city. And faced with the reality that I would need to embark on the horror called "make new friends" in a city where I was very comfortable, well I knew I wouldn't do it. I would hang out with my friends, stay in on the weekend, and go to all of my favorite and comfortable haunts and stay firmly within the confines of my comfort zone. I'm very similar to a baby bird when it comes to making friends. If you don't push me out of the nest, I'll just hang out and get fed by my mom (or in this case California Tortilla). I'm stupid lazy.

And then this opportunity with my job came up to transfer to Arizona. And I thought ... Could I?

Well, there were a lot of pros:

• Aforementioned necessity to start over, but this time without the safety net of a comfort zone.
• Most of my family is in the west, including my brother who's here in Phoenix.
• Uh, the entire state is on sale, so I could live like a sultan

And so I did it.

I started coming out in April, promptly bought a house, had my stuff shipped out, and moved in the first week of July.

And, well, I have to say, I really like it here. I am totally shocked by how taken I've been with the beauty of the desert. Before when people would ask me what I thought of Phoenix, my response would be something like this, "It's a very beige strip mall." Which is still true, but I see beauty now in the mountains, and the colors of the desert. It's really something.

The other thing I really like about AZ is how damn easy it is to live here. I'm not even talking about the cost of living - which is pretty phenom. I'm talking about errands. And driving. And the amount of hours one is expected to work in a given day. I can tell you, I just about had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I went to Home Depot on a Saturday morning and the joint was a ghost town. Unless you have a death wish you do not go to Home Depot on the weekend in DC - that's just crazy talk. And traffic? Puh-lease!! All of these straight wide streets that have maybe, maybe a 10 minute back up on them. It's like fantasy driving.

So moving here is really improving my quality of life. I've purchased a beautiful home which I love. I'm cooking my meals and exercising. And I find that I have a brand new commodity: spare time. Unfortunately, I have NO IDEA what to do with it.

I mean, seriously, tonight I've already come home from work, eaten dinner, finished a book, checked facebook, installed some upgrades to my laptop, gone swimming, and posted this blog and it's only 9:30. What the hell am I supposed to do with all of that time? The thought of TOMORROW night is more than I can bear.

No doubt I will turn to you, internets, for guidance on what the eff I should do with my time. My fun personality traits of indecision and ADHD will make it an extra fun exercise for us to do together!

Oh and by the way, since I know you will ask, I AM enjoying the heat, thankyouverymuch. It doesn't bother me a bit. I'm always in the air conditioning. But if I do happen to be outside and I get hot, then I go in the shade. Then I'm not hot. It's a miracle! DC was much more miserable than this.

Wherin I need a decorator

Hola peeps!

So as I alluded in my last post there's been some moving and shaking lately. Well, more moving than shaking if truth be told.

I've moved to Scottsdale, AZ! I'd love to go into the details of how, when, and for the love of all that's holy, WHY!? but I've got decorating to do and I need your advice. So we'll get into the back story later. For now, let's focus on the dilemma at hand.

So.

My living room.

I was out shopping today in some of the vintage stores in PHX, and I found this bench:





Here's a little zoom in on the top, center:



Dimensions: 14" h x 24" d x 7' w

I thought it was pretty cool looking. Minimal, but solid, made of beautiful material. And I started thinking ... What if, instead of the traditional two chairs configuration, I used this bench and separated it into two sitting areas with cushions. At one end it could have a big fatty of a lamp, in between the "seats" a plant or magazines or something. And plenty of cushions to lean back onto.

Kind of unusual.

But I think it might be super cool.

This is where you come in, internets. I need your help. Put on your design glasses, and let me know what you think.

So here's what we're working with:

Location, Location, Location!

This is the window I'm thinking of putting this bench in front of. I love my view - there's a river (aka canal) and running path out there. I like to watch people come and go on it. And I like to see the water and all of the nature. So, if possible, I'd rather not block the view. I'm thinking the low profile of this bench might work well in that it will provide optional seating, without blocking the view with high or bulky chairs.




This is my new couch - which I am in serious love with. You will need to imagine that the walls are painted some beautiful rich yet to be determined color, so this couch will pop off the wall and scream, "SIT ON ME (But only if you aren't dirty and don't have a lot of hair gel)!!" In a future post we'll talk wall colors. (I'm thinking grass green ... but you know me, as long as its not a neutral I'm open.)




Styling:

Now, here are some potential pieces to style this bench. Possible cushions to create the "seats" (which will hopefully be in a cooler color - like a royal blue or something.) And there'd be a bunch of colorful, complementary cushions to lean on as well.

An AWESOME lamp I found today. Since the bench is so low (only 14") I want a tall lamp to anchor it. This dude is wicked cool. It doesn't hurt that the tag on it says, "Cool Fat Ass Lamp." I'd buy it just for that. (There's only one - do I need a pair??)



I mean, seriously. Look at this glaze!




Then, get a green shag rug, a round glass coffee table, and a yet to be determined chair, shown below in yellow, and the layout would look something like this:




So? What do you think? Should I break the rules and do a bench instead of two chairs in front of my window? Do I need two lamps - one on either side? (If so, should they match?) Is it sketchy to have to lean against the windows - I mean, there will be back cushions, but if you're really lazy your head could touch the window. Is that a no-no? Am I totally mental for thinking to do this?

Alright. Send me your thoughts, comments, criticisms. And, Go!