I was like, "geez Mustard, can you relax for a few minutes? Let me eat some dinner? Maybe take my shoes off? I told you we'd celebrate ... but chill, man, chill!"
But he was worse than a damn puppy yapping around my heels while I put my chicken nuggets in the oven. "Don't you think those nuggets would be better Flame Roasted? Doncha? Doncha?" I didn't.
Ever since I told him about how fun Guy Fawkes Night is he's been driving me nuts. Personally, I think he just wants to light things on fire. He's such a boy that way! If you aren't familiar with this most excellent English holiday it involves burning things in effigy and fireworks - which is basically the recipe for an awesome holiday, people. Leading up to the day kids ask for money ("A Penny for the Guy?" ) to buy their Guy effigies or fireworks. Apparently, Fall is the international season for sanctioned child begging; Americans ask for candy, English ask for money. Go figure.
Anyway, Mustard is WAY excited to light some stuff on fire. (I didn't have the heart to tell him that his costume was pretty creepy, but I made him take it off for the burning part, I didn't want him to have an accident since he's plastic and all.) I asked him if he had prepared our Guy effigy while I was at work. He had:
I said, "Alrighty then, let's get this party started! Mustard, prepare the traitor!"
Mustard said, "Guy Fawkes, I hereby skewer you in the name of the Parliament People, and Burning, and S'mores!" And he was soundly skewered. "Wench Gretchen, prepare the bonfire!"
"Don't call me wench, if you want to keep doing this."
"Sorry. Bonfire Mistress, Is the bonfire prepared to receive the traitor?"
"It is." And it was.
"Then cast him in!" Mustard cried. (he's really enjoying this. It's making me mildly concerned. )
As Bonfire Mistress I cast poor Guy Fawkes to his toasty doom .....
Guy, you are smelling delicious. And your flames are quite impressive!
Ever the classy executioner, Mustard chants, "Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!"
As Bonfire Mistress, I declare Guy's final moments of flamitude should be carried out in the sink.
"Burn! Burn! Bur ... Wait, don't stop burning!!! .....
..... Hey, Mistress Bonfire .... he's going OUT! What do we do? "
"Nothing Mustard, we just say 'Happy Guy Fawkes Night' and clean up the mess you made."
"Not me. If you need me, I'll be taunting the carcass. .... HA! Stupid Guy Fawkes ... I fart in your general direction. "
"Ok, have a good time. But don't quote Monty Python, it really shows your age. (And your lameness). AND If you make any S'mores out of the body, be sure you share. And don't touch the stove, it's still hot and you'll melt."
Seriously, I have to watch him every second.
Happy Guy Fawkes Day Everyone!