Battles, on picking them wisely

You should know that …

1. I generally don’t favor the enforced regulation of things. It usually just complicates things that aren’t very complicated to begin with.
2. I realize there are usually good reasons for wanting to have things regulated. Chicken lip and lead content stays down, and honesty and human decency goes up.
3. I am a big proponent of people being responsible for themselves.

With that being said … have you people heard about the movement to ban (yes, I said BAN as in to LEGISLATE AGAINST) cupcakes? It’s true. Innocent, fun loving cupcakes. In other news, Christmas is canceled.

Alas, many school districts are banning cupcakes from schools in order to keep kids from eating so much junk.

As a friend of the cupcake I think this is an outrage! What did cupcakes ever do to you, besides being completely adorable little packages of sunshine and happiness? More importantly, why single out cupcakes? Why not regular cakes – especially those nasty sheet cakes with the grody frosting flowers? Those are disgusting; I’d happily see a ban against those. Aren’t they teaching discrimination by being sizists?

Moreover, if we’re SOOOOO worried about kids getting fat maybe we should make some health inducing changes rather than banning the poor little cupcake. Here are a few I’ve thought of, just off the top of my head:

• Math class could be turned into Mathercize. It’s brainy! It’s jazzy! Times-tables mixed with jumping-jacks; it’s a win-win!
• Make the fatasses run a couple laps around the building after the pledge of allegiance.
• Add an extra “Work Out Recess”. Any one standing next to the wall gets tazed.
• What about PE, people?
  

I’m no parent, so far be it from me to offer any advice for children, but we aren’t doing them any favors by banning a FOOD. (if the reaction to banned cupcakes is anything like the reaction to banned books, we’ll have kids sneaking into the backroom at bakeries and overdosing on buttercream and white cake.)

I love cupcakes, but I know that if I eat cupcakes I’m going to have to move my chub around a bit more than usual. It’s just the way it works. And if anyone takes away my cupcakes, or my future kid’s cupcakes, you better watch your back. If there’s anything I take seriously it’s cupcakes.