Tuesday, August 5, 2008

ADHD of the Heart

"Hey!" Mustard said as I walked in the door. "I've got a surprise for you."

"Oh goody! I love surprises," I said before remembering that a Mustard-style surprise might be as welcome as a monster zit on your wedding day. "What'd you do? Reprogram the cable box so that every channel shows nothing but Sabado Gigante?"

"No, I didn't. But that's not a bad idea," he said getting that far away look in his eye that I've come to distrust deeply.

"So?" I prompted, "My surprise?"

"Oh riiiiiiiight. THE SURPRISE!" he said, adding with a mischievous little grin, "I've written you a song."

"A song?"

"Yes! A song, a ballad, a little ditty. To cheer your ugly mug up. I'm sort of sorry that online dating was such a bust. You know, as sorry as I get about anything, that is. I know you've been really sad about it."

"No I haven't."

"Uh-huh. You can't lie to me. I know. I have to live with you."

"I'm not lying. Really. I couldn't be happier that I'm done with the online dating. You didn't need to write me a cheer up song."

"Oh, but I did. I really did." When he gets this smug expression, there's no arguing with him. I sighed.

"So do I get to hear it or what? I didn't think you were very musical."

"I have many talents that you don't know anything about," he sniffed. "But I'll admit, I only provided new lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's most excellent Power Ballad, Total Eclipse of the Heart," he said, sinking down onto one knee to pay homage to the 80s classic.

"Put that lighter away before you melt yourself," I said.

"OK. Now, since this is sort of a duet, I'm going to need you to sing the "Turn Around" part. Can you handle that?"

"I think I can probably manage it." I said dryly.

"Great. Instead of saying "Turn Around" you're going to say, "Click Around." Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good," he said, all business. "And I only did one verse and the dramatic middle part - I don't have all day to focus my energy on your stupid problems. Here are the lyrics. Don't mess up."

"Ok. I'll try."

He stared at me.

"What?" I asked.

"You have to start," he whispered. Oh right. So after a rousing piano intro I started ....

click around
Every now and then you get a little bit lonely and you think you should see who's online
click around
Every now and then you're trolling profiles like a skanky cougar hoochiemama way past her prime
Every now and then you meet a guy who seems like he's perfect and everything he does looks right
Click around
Every now and then you picture your bright future sharing his kids with him and his shrewish ex-wife
Click AROUND, weird guys(?!)
Every now and then they're freaking tards!
Click around, weird guys
Every now and then they're freaking tards!!

And he's sending you weird texts
And he says you'd look good in leather
And if you'd only agree to be next
He'd buy a wedding dress made of pleather
And in only one date you'd be vexed
But to him that wouldn't matter.
Desperate just to meet you, he'd cross all the state lines
In your heart your sorry cuz he's weird and fifty-nine!
You don't know what to do, he's just so damn bizarre
Does he really think you want to spend your time talkin bout cars?!
You've gotta dump him tonight!
Being single's gonna start tonight!
Being single's gonna start tonight!

Once upon a time you would tolerate fools
Now it seems you don't have the art
Nothing you can do
You've ADHD of the Heart

ADHD of the Heart .... Click around, weird guys .... Click around, weird guys, Click arouuuuund

I hope you imagined him singing it with all of the hand-clasping, dramatic stopping, and knee-drops that belong in a Power Ballad. He did every one of them. It really amped up the emotion.

Gotta hand it to him though, I've got a regular Alan Menken on my hands over here. I know you are all WAY BEYOND jealous.


betsey said...

This is one of my favorite songs and Mustard's rendition rivaled the original. Excellent work Mustard!

Erin said...

This is hysterical and pretty much sums up my feelings about online dating. Who is mustard?

Camie said...

I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, which is a problem since I'm at work and I hate crying at work. Well done my friend!

Gretchen said...

Oh Erin, Mustard is a fan-favorite around these parts. He's my little side kick/arch nemesis. You can check out his antics by clicking his picture to the right. Or if you just want to learn how he came be be there's this post: Condimentially Speaking

Sandra said...

Well done Mustard. I definitely like his rendition way better than the original one.

Bry said...

brava mustard, brava! who needs online dating when you've got a mustard?!

jill said...

That was hilarious!!! You're one funny gal and quite a song writer!!

O! What a Geek : Library Learning 2.0 said...

I have a confession -- I have started "clicking around" -- no dates yet, but I am sure I will have a good story soon!!! This time around I am asking for their dental hygiene records!