Thursday, August 28, 2008

We All Say, Good Riddance!

My across the hall neighbor gives me the creeps. I avoid him at all costs and will deliberately hide out in my apartment if I hear him in the hall. Even if that means I'll be late places. But sometimes I get caught and talking to him is unavoidable. On those miserable occasions, this is how our conversation generally goes:

Him: Hi! Been a long time. How YOU doing? (leer)

Me: Fine, thanks.

Him: You're looking good! (leer verging on licking chops)

Me: Er. Thanks. Funny thing, I'm actually trying to set the land record for getting inside my apartment. Would love to chat, but can't. Sorry. Bye-eee!

This conversation, while uncomfortable, is actually pretty weird in person because he has some odd form of turrets that causes him to burst out with loud noises periodically. So our conversation is actually like this:

Him: Hi! Been a BOP! long time. ACK! How YOU doing? AAAAT!

Me: Fine, thanks.

Him: You're lo-AAACK-looking good!

Me: Er. Thanks. You're a smarmy dude and secretly I call you Snap-Crackle-Pop so why don't you just leave me alone? Mmmkay? Thanks. Bye.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike him because he's got this turret-ish problem, I dislike him because he's SO DISGUSTING. I feel like I need to take a shower in turpentine after talking to him. ICK.

So I was SUPER happy to come home today and see that movers were inside his apartment boxing everything up. The movers, on the other hand, were NOT SUPER happy to be boxing up his stuff.

As is my habit, ducked into my apartment and I curled up with a book. I was promptly lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of packing tape screeching and newspaper crumpling, underscored with a loud and cacophonous dialog between the Greek movers. It was a very peaceful nap. But even as I was coming out of this most restful of naps, I could tell that the poor movers were at the end of their rope with my frustrating and icky neighbor. This is what I heard:

Him: You gotta ACK gotta pack my BAP lamp. Don't forget to pack my lamp. BAH!

Greek Mover: De lamp? Ok, packing de lamp.

Crumple, crumple, crumple. Tumble of boxes. Tape screeching. Greek Chorus.

Him: Hey, where's my ACK lamp?

Greek Mover: We pack de lamp.

Him: WHAT!!? The lamp! BAP The Lamp! Where's my lamp? ACK


Greek Chorus, freaking out.

Greek Mover: You told us to packa de lamp!! We PACKA DE LAMP!

Him: Oh. ACH ok. It's packed. BAP Good. This is the box? Ok. Make sure you guys pack my other AHT lamp.

At this point I was tempted to open my door, grab some popcorn and watch the Greeks kill my annoying neighbor. It would have been SO SATISFYING.


Leslie said...

hilarious. :) snap crackle pop. super funny.

holly said...

oh my. you are funny. :)

Julie said...

Okay, this guy even gives me the creeps in writing. Please tell me he's not moving next door to me. Although I must admit I am wondering how the lamp thing turned out . . .