Monday, June 30, 2008

Mustard's Guide to Beach Fashions

Mustard and I went to Ocean City, MD on Saturday for Maria's birthday bash. The day was hot. The waves were amazing. The chocolate-banana shake I got was out of this world! I'm a Pro-Beach Goer, so I know a spectacular beach experience when I see one. And THIS was a spectacular beach experience.

As a PBG, one of my sacred duties is to make sure that you, fair readers, make the most of your beach trips. By and large this is a pretty easy duty since simply being at the beach will guarantee that your quality of life just went up around 300%. But still, I want to do what I can to make sure you really relish your time there. And I'm sure you'll agree with me that if you're not dressed appropriately for the occasion ... well, it kinda ruins the whole thing.

So, Mustard, being the philanthropic guy that he is agreed to help me model some of the most stunning beach fashions.

Here I am, in a Whoops-I-Ate-Too-Many-Cheeseburgers-This-Week One Piece bathing suit and matching board shorts. All jiggly parts should be restrained if at all possible. Double-knit Lyrca is your friend, ladies.

Mustard caught a ride with me as we cruised the Boardwalk seeking the best fashions The OC has to offer.

We were certainly not disappointed.

Perhaps you'll recognize the designer ripped jeans below from the Spring Fashion Show in Milan? They were all the rage there, and now they've come here for us to covet. So chic! So trashy! So in love!

Haute Couture isn't for everyone though, I understand. So here are some perennial beach fashions that even the most fashionably backward of us can easily don:

The Shell Necklace (Shark tooth can be substituted for the shells, if you want to convey a tough-guy image):

The Beach Hair Wrap:

Both are completely ESSENTIAL to proper beach accessorizing. Don't leave your beach mat with out them.

Some people just have an innate sense of Beach Fashion. Don't you just hate them!??! This fellow has got the whole package working for him: Flowing shirt, fanny pack, glasses dangling artfully from their lanyard, almost concealed knee-brace, fishing hat dangling casually from that gorgeous fanny pack, and socks pulled up as high as they can go? YES! And PLEASE! C'est Magnifique! Iloveyou! MUAH!

One of the great things about the beach is that if you only have clothes from the 80s you'll fit RIGHT IN! This is the land that time forgot. So pull out that banana clip and wear it with pride. You'll feel right at home surrounded by the 80s fashions below:

Here we've got some v. fashionable sunglasses.

For him:

And for her:

Wish you had somewhere to wear your terry cloth sweatband? What about your day glow footwear? Check, and Check.

And of course, no beach wardrobe is complete without an evening look. Sophisticated, glamorous, sparkley, laced up, AND coordinates with your beer cup? Perfection!

I need hardly mention that the one thing you should always be wearing at the beach is a smile! A perma-grin, like the one Maria is modeling here is your best option.

Now go out there and get your Beach on with confidence, my little fashionistas!


holly said...

what would we do without your fashion insights??

I'm curious, did you take all those haute couture photos yourself? if so, you better hope Mustard can protect in a pinch cuz that fanny pack guy and his buddy look like they were gonna punch your lights out!

erin said...

soooo glad i read this before the weekend. i'm returning my lace-up sandals today!

and like holly, how did you get all the great pictures? didn't people notice?

Alicia said...

I love your use of photos! You have really outdone yourself with the camera on this post. I love your shots! You know, it is really hard to not laugh out loud while in my cubicle at work, reading your comments!

Sandra said...

Love this post. Yeah, how did you manage to get such great pictures? They probably thought you were working for The Sartorialist or something. Great Beach Fashions... super funny.