Monday, August 27, 2007

Beach DOs and DON'Ts

Mustard, Maria and I hit the OC beach on Saturday, and it couldn't have been more perfect. It was HOT, like skin-searingly hot. And HUMID, like wear your scuba mask humid. But when you're at the beach, that's just how you like it. That's how I like it anyway.

I'm a Pro Beach Goer. And as a PBG, I'd like to share some do's and don'ts with you. It's my duty to make sure your trip is as awesomely excellent as possible. Not that any trip to the beach isn't going to be great ... I mean, you're at the BEACH! ... but these tips will just make it better for everyone.

The DOs and DON'Ts of The Beach

DO think these waves are MASSIVE for the East Coast.

DON'T be timid getting in. Mustard's such a coward! Dipping his little Mustard toes into the surf like this certainly doesn't declare "Spicy Bold", does it?

DO go wild and get the sauce knocked out of you by that raging surf! (Don't drown though, that would really dampen the entire trip, for you and everyone else.)

DON'T mind people laughing loudly and Nelson-ishly (HA-HA!) at you if you do get pummeled by the surf. I'll admit I laughed at that wuss Mustard, but I shouldn't have because moments later I got rocked myself. Taken down so fiercely my ponytail holder was RIPPED from my hair. Which brings me to my next tip ...

DO bring a spare ponytail holder, as not all of us can be a sexy beach tart with perfectly sun/salt tossled locks.

DON'T linger after romping in the waves, or else that towel hogging punk Mustard will push you off of your own beach mat and hijack your iPod. He's such a little punk!

DO Flirt with the locals. They know all of the do's and don'ts of beach life. ....

DO cover up. Use as much cloth as it takes.

DON'T not cover up. There's no country in the world where backfat is ok.

DON'T ever underestimate the power of matching shoes to anchor a relationship.

DO get a Banana Chocolate Shake from Dumser's. The only thing you'll be sorry about is when it's gone.

... or if you share it with your vacuum-lipped friend, Mustard. You'll be sorry you did that.

DO win stuffed animals from the many carny games up and down the boardwalk. And coordinate them with your outfit.

DON'T wear your daughter's clothing.

Follow these DOs and DON'Ts and you will have as great a time as I did! In my official capacity as a PBG, I guarantee it!


Ruth & Ryan said...

I must admit I am not a PBG. How Camie and I stay friends is beyond me. However, I did appreciate your tips especially the matching shoes and daughter's clothing. Too funny.

erin said...

so did you buy a gi-ro or what? that's a must-have for me while at the OC.

nckuhn said...

I am so happy to see that you really have kept your good friend Mr. Mustard. Bravo.

recovering overachiever said...

Haha! Love the list.
I'm off to the beach next week. Though I'm a PBG myself, I'll definitely keep your tips in mind!

Thad said...

Please tell me that you had to look HARD for some of these shots. What the Hell has happened to America and personal pride, let alone fashion! Your blog continues to be a freaking joy. Move over Dilbert, her comes Gretchen.

Julie said...

We NEED more of Mustard! Gretch, you had Jared and I laughing so hard you brought us to tears. Thanks for keeping us entertained and in the know.

holly said...

oh this was hilarious! the part about the powerful surf reminded me of the last time I attempted the waves and ended up almost losing my tankini shorts...eeks!!

chunkypuffs said...

Mr. Mustard is genius. As for the salt tossed locks my cousin can pull that off everytime we go swimming and it drives me crazy...