The Baltimore Look

This scan isn't so great ... I'm having some issues with my technology right now. I'll complain about that at some point, I'm sure. But when I run across something as ridiculous as this article, I have to put my technology issues aside and scan it just to prove that it exists.

I found this in one of the regional magazines. I am shocked that the editor actually agreed to print it. My only hope is that it is somehow a tongue-in-cheek style article. That's really all that's keeping me from not discrediting the entire magazine's journalistic (not to mention fashionista) integrity. I've copied out the article in full for your easy reading enjoyment. I'm sure you'll find it a treat. At least I hope you will. If you don't we can't be friends anymore.

The Baltimore Look

Susie Winstead, 57 retired, and her boyfriend Larry Howe, 68, custodian, from Lancaster Pennsylvania
Spotted at Bingo World, Baltimore

Describe your own style:
Larry: Casual
Susie: His style is antique. He's got polyester pants he wore in the 60's. My style is very casual. I love to wear cat T-shirts or anything that has a cat on it along with any kind of comfy shorts.

What are you wearing?:
Larry: Shorts and a knit sport shirt, both from Boscov's in Lancaster.
Susie: I'm wearing slacks from Wal-Mart and a cat T-shirt from Boscov's in Lancaster.

Who are your fashion icons?:
Larry: She usually buys my clothes.
Susie: [His is] that one from The King of Queens - Kevin James! My icon is my mother because she was very particular with how she looked when she went out of the house.

Is this your work outfit?:
Larry: No. I wear khakis and a blue shirt with a red collar to work.

How do you dress at home?:
Larry: In shorts.
Susie: Comfy shorts, a blouse, and, of course, tennis shoes.

What's your favorite item of clothing?:
Larry: My [Philadelphia] Eagles shirt.
Susie: My cat shirt. I have one with a little brown and black cat on the front. That's my favorite.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?:
Larry: Right now only three - one dress pair and two pairs of sneakers.
Susie: About 20. I have lots of sandals and heels and, most of all, I love my sneakers.

Are you a bargain hound?:
Susie: Yes, I like anything that's cheap even if I don't need it.

What was your best outfit ever?:
Larry: The suit I got married in. It was navy blue pinstripe.
Susie: My brown slacks and brown sparkly sweater.

Is there a particular item of clothing you are currently coveting?:
Susie: A wedding gown. A big white fluffy veil, the biggest and best they have. I want the whole works.
Larry: A Phillies knit shirt.

********************************

W-O-W.

I have so many things to say about this, I'm actually speechless. You many not read a lot of these fashion-watch articles, but I've read a lot of them in my day ... and this one is, well, definitely the exception to the rule.

First of all, call me Captain Obvious, but isn't this supposed to be about Baltimore style? Must I point out that even though they were spotted at that fashion mecca, Bowling World, this couple is from Pennsylvania and NOT Baltimore? But residency aside, do you REALLY want to imply that Baltimore style is all about cat t-shirts, slacks, and doubleknit from Wal-Mart? Do you REALLY, Mr. Editor??

I could go on and on about the horror of the mental images Susie's comments have created for me (brown SLACKS and a sparkly sweater?? BIG FLUFFY VEIL? I'm actually starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it.) But I trust you, dear readers, to understand why this article is at once appalling and absolutely priceless. I can't even begin to comment fully on it without getting mean.

So I'll just leave you with this final thought: In their cat T-shirt infested house, I find this similarity very striking.

Beach DOs and DON'Ts

Mustard, Maria and I hit the OC beach on Saturday, and it couldn't have been more perfect. It was HOT, like skin-searingly hot. And HUMID, like wear your scuba mask humid. But when you're at the beach, that's just how you like it. That's how I like it anyway.

I'm a Pro Beach Goer. And as a PBG, I'd like to share some do's and don'ts with you. It's my duty to make sure your trip is as awesomely excellent as possible. Not that any trip to the beach isn't going to be great ... I mean, you're at the BEACH! ... but these tips will just make it better for everyone.

The DOs and DON'Ts of The Beach

DO think these waves are MASSIVE for the East Coast.


DON'T be timid getting in. Mustard's such a coward! Dipping his little Mustard toes into the surf like this certainly doesn't declare "Spicy Bold", does it?



DO go wild and get the sauce knocked out of you by that raging surf! (Don't drown though, that would really dampen the entire trip, for you and everyone else.)



DON'T mind people laughing loudly and Nelson-ishly (HA-HA!) at you if you do get pummeled by the surf. I'll admit I laughed at that wuss Mustard, but I shouldn't have because moments later I got rocked myself. Taken down so fiercely my ponytail holder was RIPPED from my hair. Which brings me to my next tip ...

DO bring a spare ponytail holder, as not all of us can be a sexy beach tart with perfectly sun/salt tossled locks.



DON'T linger after romping in the waves, or else that towel hogging punk Mustard will push you off of your own beach mat and hijack your iPod. He's such a little punk!



DO Flirt with the locals. They know all of the do's and don'ts of beach life. ....


DO cover up. Use as much cloth as it takes.


DON'T not cover up. There's no country in the world where backfat is ok.


DON'T ever underestimate the power of matching shoes to anchor a relationship.




DO get a Banana Chocolate Shake from Dumser's. The only thing you'll be sorry about is when it's gone.



... or if you share it with your vacuum-lipped friend, Mustard. You'll be sorry you did that.


DO win stuffed animals from the many carny games up and down the boardwalk. And coordinate them with your outfit.


DON'T wear your daughter's clothing.

Follow these DOs and DON'Ts and you will have as great a time as I did! In my official capacity as a PBG, I guarantee it!

Back to the Beach Basics

Is there, I ask you, a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than romping in the ocean until you're so giddy and seaswept (and practically drowned but still happy about that fact) that it is all you can do to stumble up the beach and situate yourself on your beach mat without getting sand all over everything? Then snuggling your head into your towel and letting the hot sun warm up your chicken skin before drifting off into an exhaustion induced nap?

Aaahhh! I love it! The Beach! I feel shame that I don't make it a higher priority in my life. I mean, really, what the hell am I doing with my time?

Answer: Nothing as important as regular beach attendance.

It's a shame that this past Saturday was the first time I've been to the beach all season. Especially considering that I'm all tricked out with the essential beach-going gear, as seen below. Check out my sweet Jesus tote. It works great as a beach bag! Plus I enjoyed its holy protection all day. No jellyfish or skanky metal-detector dudes on it's watch!



You can also see my most beloved beach item, my grass beach mat. What did people do before grass beach mats? I can't believe that a towel was ever sufficient. Towels are for wadding up and using as a pillow. Grass mats are for burrowing your nose into so you can smell their sweet grassy smell mixed in with salt and sun. If that doesn't lull you to sleep, its probably because there are some annoying people near you who are talking about their aunt Peggy's affair with her boss. And you'd be right to stay awake to hear those details, despite the lull of the sweet beach grass mat smell.

In addition to my mat and beach bag, you see some other trinkets that are useful: my No-Ad sunscreen, which I always bring but hardly ever use (sorry future skin!)



And my orange hoodie cleverly draped over my iPod and a couple of magazines, items that might tempt thieves who would dare to do their thievery right out from under Jesus' nose! If you can believe that.



The only other required item is my swimming suit (not pictured above because it was on me a the time, and really, I want you to continue to visit this site. No need to sear your eyes out.)


I like this suit (I sometimes call it The Green Monster, whether for the jealousy it induces or the resemblance to Fenway Park I'll leave up to you to decide), and it's relatively flattering except for the part where it lets my fat show. But in the fatscape of the beach, I'm never the biggest offender. In fact, I'm a little pissed off that I spend all winter freaking out about getting into a swimsuit because it appears that the no one else on the beach has had this concern. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble.

I'll be posting some pictures over the next few days of my visit and the goings on at Ocean City, Maryland. The REAL OC, as we like to call it, is a goldmine of tackiness. A true treasure trove of the absurd. Walking its boardwalk will open your eyes to things you never considered possible. As well as answer the age old question "WHO in the WORLD would buy this ugly-ass shirt?" People the go to Ocean City, my friend. That's who.

Please Let This Be True

Fox news is reporting that Michael Jackson is looking at real estate in Maryland. (On St. Michaels, if you're curious). Please please let this happen! We need more resident crazies to elevate Maryland from its non-memorable-state status. And is there anyone better or crazier than Wacko Jacko? Of course not! I hope he brings Prince Michael, Prince Michael The Second, and Blanket. Plus if he were a resident we could also adopt Billie Jean as our new state song. I love that song.

In a fitting twist to this story, he's reportedly looking at a house built by Mario Boyardee, son of Chef Boyardee. Could it get more perfect than that? Nasty canned pasta and The Gloved One together? It's like 6th grade is being recreated in its entirety for me, right here in Maryland.