"Ok, Mustard, we need 7 things that people don't know about you yet."
"Hmm. Let me think. Ok. Well, first of all, I'm AWESOME. And then there's number two in which I am AWESOME. And Thirdly, some friends are apt to describe me as Totally Freaking Awesome."
"No, no, none of those are going to work. You've got to be serious about this. You can't just say that you are awesome for all seven things. Try again."
"Well I think that's limiting my creative output."
"Too bad. Think of something else."
"Fine. .... Alright, here's one. I like Kung Fu movies."
"My, my. That's a surprise."
"Are you being sarcastic? Just write it down."
"No, that's a good one. Keep your pants on, I'm writing it down."
1. I like Kung Fu movies"OK, what's number 2?"
"Well, I love racing. Racing is my favorite."
"Racing? Like car racing?"
"Sure, cars, running, eating, drinking whatever. I like to win and the best way to win is to race."
2. I love racing to win at anything.
"OK, that's a pretty good one. Think of another."
"OH! Here's one. When you're at work I like to print out pictures of trees and nests and stuff and then prop them up on the window sill and see if I can trick any birds to try to land there. It's hilarious when they smack into the window going full speed. hahaha!"
"Are you kidding me?!"
"No, it's SO funny. Next time you have a sick day we'll do it. I can teach you how to do some wicked good bird calls."
"You're a little bit of a sick-o, you know that, right?"
"What? They don't get hurt. It gets boring here all day. Besides they like it. It's like a wake up call."
3. I spend my days taunting birds so they'll run into the windows."What's next Hannibal Lecter? Maybe think of something less violent. Like your favorite music or color or something."
"Ok. Let's see. My favorite music is smooth jazz. And my fav- "
"WHAT? You're favorite music is SMOOTH JAZZ?"
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Everything. Everything is wrong with that. Smooth Jazz is like the opposite of good music. Where did you even hear any smooth jazz?"
4. Inexplicably, I like Smooth Jazz.
"Hey! I didn't say 'inexplicably'. Erase that. Don't be such a hater. ANYWAY, as I was saying, my favorite color is blue. Like the blue on my label. I think it complements my skin tone very well. Don't you?"
"Oh yes, you're ravishing, dahling. Ravishing!"
5. My favorite color is royal blue."Alright, you have five. You're in the home stretch. Try to think of two more."
"Hmmm. This is kind of hard. Any more suggestions?"
"Er, Boxers or Briefs? Ewww - strike that, I can't even think about that. Let's stick with pet peeves. Got any of those?"
"Do I have pet peeves? I am entirely comprised of pet peeves. Let's see. My worst pet peeve is when people put the toilet paper roll in so it drapes behind rather than over the top. May the Hammer of Thor protect you if you ever take to installing it that way."
6. I hate it when the TP roll is put in backwards.
"Ok, but what are you doing worrying about toilet paper?"
"I use it as a jungle vine when I'm playing Tarzan in the bathroom. When it drapes from behind there's no traction, so the roll just unrolls and I can't get a good swing in. It's totally annoying."
"Uh-huh. I see. Ok. Let's finish this up. I think I've learned just about enough about you for one day."
"Alright. My seventh thing is that I'm totally AWESOME!"
"Didn't I tell you that you couldn't use that one?"
"You said I couldn't use it for ALL of them. Not that I couldn't use it for one of them. And besides it's the truth."
"Man, I hate it when you are right."
7. I am totally AWESOME!!
And there you have it. 7 things you may not have known about Mustard, and frankly probably never wanted to know about him. Boy, am I glad we're done with that exercise. I think I like him better when he's entertaining himself by strutting around the apartment practicing wrestling poses.