Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Universe 867, Me 0

There are times when things are going along just swimmingly, and there are times when you step in the proverbial Cow Pat of Life. This week is nothing short of Craptastic.

A few examples, for your consideration:

Last Saturday I went to a Luau in an effort to get my flirt on. Things were going pretty well, until the helium balloons blew into the chocolate fondue fountain. (Yeah, it was that kind of party). Wanting to be helpful while cleaning up the mess I suggested just popping the balloons so they A) wouldn't blow into the chocolate again, and B) no one would run into them and get all chocolaty. So The Hostess held the balloons and I popped them - thereby splattering her white shorts with chocolate. I left promptly.

Later that evening I was meeting other friends in Old Town Alexandria, VA. It's a quaint and charming city, but one that is practically impossible for the novice to navigate what with all of the One Ways, No Turns, Do Not Enters, and such. I've known for years that VA is a nightmare to navigate. And so I should have known better than to venture into virgin territory. At night. I was practically asking for trouble. And I got what I (apparently) deserved: A ticket for making a left turn where there was supposedly a "No Turns" sign. I fully admit that there are times when I deserve to be ticketed. This was absolutely NOT one of those times. To add insult to injury I have to go to COURT to take care of it. That will be a fantastic day in my life, I'm sure.

On Monday, after a day of feeling grumpy, and hating any activity that was keeping me from curling up into a ball under my covers, I decided I should go to the gym and get some endorphins pumpin. So I drove to the gym and waited patiently for this moron to master backing out of their parking space. When they'd finally managed it, this little snot-nosed punk sped in from the other direction and took it, a la Fried Green Tomatoes. I didn't ram his car screaming that I'm older and have more insurance ... but I did scream, "Oh, YOU LITTLE SH*T!" and glared at him really really fiercely. He didn't care.

After the gym I felt a little bit better. I went to go find a Great Harvest Bread Store so I could have some bread for sandwiches (I'm picky about my bread, what can I say). I knew it was on Rockville Pike, but there are about 45 shopping centers up and down the Pike, and I wasn't quite sure which one had the Great Harvest store. So I drove in and out of them for 25 minutes, before finally finding it. Of course, it was closed.

At work on Tuesday I remembered that I'm interested in taking a writing class at the Writers Center in Bethesda. The website was down, so I said, hey it's only a couple of blocks from my office, I'll just walk down there (in the sweltering heat while wearing high heels) and get myself a catalog. Surprise, surprise! It was closed. Despite it being right smack dab in the middle of their advertised office hours.

Crossing a crosswalk (against the light, I'll admit), I see a car flying down the street. When I saw it I said, "So THAT is what a Bat out of Hell actually looks like!" Fast. Dark. And seriously bloodthirsty. This car had to be going 50 miles an hour through downtown Bethesda. It started honking about 1/2 block before it got to the intersection to let us know that it was NOT STOPPING. Nor would "slowing" be on the agenda. It was move, or be moved (presumably by her bumper). I was practically to the curb, so I wasn't as concerned about my life as I was about the 4 people who were behind me. I looked back to make sure they wouldn't be flattened into road pancakes when the driver flipped me off, pointed very POINTEDLY at her green light, flipped me off again, and continued to honk all the way through the intersection.

Today, I drove to work because I had an orthodontic appointment in the morning, and I was running late. A massive traffic jam only made me later. My normal parking lot upped it's price from $5 a day to $10 a day. I opted to park in a metered lot instead. But there weren't any "extended time" metered spots in any of the SEVEN parking lots I checked. So I've been running down to feed the 2 hour meter all day long. And now, just two hours before I am due to leave I went to go fill it for the final time. And I had a ticket.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can tell when the Universe is trying to get me. So you can quit now, Universe. I get it. You hate me. How about I just take a mental health day, stay out of everyone's way, and we call it even? That work for you?


liloat said...

A lot of that going around right now. Hang in there. I recommend loud music and berry milkshakes. Or a really fluffy beach read.

Gretchen said...

Oat - my poor little teeth are anti-chewing, and completely in favor of berry milkshakes. Any suggestions for fluffy beach reads? I feel a serious hermit-ing coming on. I must stock the fridge and the bookshelf!

Camie said...

If it makes you feel better, I got a parking ticket today too. I had a dr's appt this morning so I parked at a meter, but missed the sign behind a tree that said no parking on Wednesdays 9-11 for street cleaning.....I'm fighting it. And don't go walking around in those high heels or you'll end up in the dr's office like me...I'll explain later, but you should think about becoming a doctor.

Doctor Rick said...

It doesn't get any better. I was visiting an assisted living facility recently; an elderly man shuffled through the doorway just as my mother left. I heard him say, "That lady almost ran into me!"