I was like, "geez Mustard, can you relax for a few minutes? Let me eat some dinner? Maybe take my shoes off? I told you we'd celebrate ... but chill, man, chill!"
But he was worse than a damn puppy yapping around my heels while I put my chicken nuggets in the oven. "Don't you think those nuggets would be better Flame Roasted? Doncha? Doncha?" I didn't.
Ever since I told him about how fun Guy Fawkes Night is he's been driving me nuts. Personally, I think he just wants to light things on fire. He's such a boy that way! If you aren't familiar with this most excellent English holiday it involves burning things in effigy and fireworks - which is basically the recipe for an awesome holiday, people. Leading up to the day kids ask for money ("A Penny for the Guy?" ) to buy their Guy effigies or fireworks. Apparently, Fall is the international season for sanctioned child begging; Americans ask for candy, English ask for money. Go figure.
Anyway, Mustard is WAY excited to light some stuff on fire. (I didn't have the heart to tell him that his costume was pretty creepy, but I made him take it off for the burning part, I didn't want him to have an accident since he's plastic and all.) I asked him if he had prepared our Guy effigy while I was at work. He had:
I said, "Alrighty then, let's get this party started! Mustard, prepare the traitor!"
Mustard said, "Guy Fawkes, I hereby skewer you in the name of the Parliament People, and Burning, and S'mores!" And he was soundly skewered. "Wench Gretchen, prepare the bonfire!"
"Don't call me wench, if you want to keep doing this."
"Sorry. Bonfire Mistress, Is the bonfire prepared to receive the traitor?"
"It is." And it was.
"Then cast him in!" Mustard cried. (he's really enjoying this. It's making me mildly concerned. )
As Bonfire Mistress I cast poor Guy Fawkes to his toasty doom .....
Guy, you are smelling delicious. And your flames are quite impressive!
Ever the classy executioner, Mustard chants, "Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!"
As Bonfire Mistress, I declare Guy's final moments of flamitude should be carried out in the sink.
"Burn! Burn! Bur ... Wait, don't stop burning!!! .....
..... Hey, Mistress Bonfire .... he's going OUT! What do we do? "
"Nothing Mustard, we just say 'Happy Guy Fawkes Night' and clean up the mess you made."
"Not me. If you need me, I'll be taunting the carcass. .... HA! Stupid Guy Fawkes ... I fart in your general direction. "
"Ok, have a good time. But don't quote Monty Python, it really shows your age. (And your lameness). AND If you make any S'mores out of the body, be sure you share. And don't touch the stove, it's still hot and you'll melt."Seriously, I have to watch him every second.
Happy Guy Fawkes Day Everyone!
5 comments:
It's probably uncouth to admit, but I don't know what the heck all of this is about -- except that it is hilarious. I mean, when is it not hilarious to dress your food in costume?
i'm not really sure if i should laugh at how funny this is, or cry about how scared i am for you and your mental stability? you feeling alright??
p.s. did you just laugh the entire time you were staging this or what? i think that's the funniest picture for me.
@Erin - Don't worry, I do it all for the story (this is also true for my dating life). I'm not insane yet. And yes, I was laughing my face off. Especially when writing it up ... Mustard makes things funny!
@Mrs Dub - I probably should have spent more time talking about Guy Fawkes day. But basically in 1600s GF tried to blow up the Parliment buildings, and so ever since the British return the favor by burning effigies of him. At this point, it's mostly just an opportunity for kids to beg for money, and adults to light stuff on fire. Either way, a fun holiday!
(It occurs to me that maybe you meant "what is Mustard all about". I linked out to the post about how I found him. He's now my sidekick/mascot/scapegoat. You will be seeing him regularly.)
Oh they made reference to this last night on Dancing With The Stars. I had no idea what they were talking about, so thanks...but I agree with erin, are you feeling alright?
You have way too much time on your hands, but I guess I do too if I read this post all the way through!
Mark
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