Just FYI, I'm not your casual mag-flipper. When I read a magazine, I READ a magazine. Every page, every article. I study the advertisements (applying all of my photo/model knowledge picked up from constant America's Next Top Model marathons). I take my magazines very seriously.
But because it takes me so long to go through a magazine, I only have one subscription (to Lucky - love it!), but I'm seriously considering picking up another one to Shape Magazine. I've never been very interested in health or fitness magazines because, well, I'm not very interested in health or fitness. It's so BORING. I get bored doing it; I don't want to be bored reading about it. I don't want to read about body builders and see the latest fashions for their spangley show bathing suits, or see advertisements for protein shakes, or learn that I should be eating more leafy green vegetables. Boooooring.
But I was at Camie's house a couple of weeks ago, and she had a copy of Shape that she'd "borrowed" from Ruth, and I started flipping through it. And then the weirdest thing happened. We went to go get dinner and I said, "Hey, let's not go to Wendy's, let's go to the grocery store instead and get some fresh veggies and steam some shrimp." Excuse me? LET'S NOT GO TO WENDY'S??? Was I stoned? Those words have NEVER come out of my mouth before. Especially not to be replaced with the words "fresh veggies." I can only shake my head at the recollection. I don't know what came over me.
So anyway, I thought I'd buy a copy of the mag for myself, because I sort of liked it (despite the Wendy's incident) and they have this part where they suggest playlists for your workouts ... and I'm a SUCKER for playlists. So I bought one when I was at the grocery store last week. You know, just to check it out.
On Tuesday night I was laying on my couch feeling really unmotivated, and totally wanting to just veg out and watch some telly or lick the inside of a Ben & Jerry's carton or something. I'd already canceled my plans to go to institute and the gym, and I was set for a night of pure lethargy. But there wasn't anything on TV, so I picked up Shape and started reading. Next thing I know I'm downstairs in the gym working my ass off on the elliptical. And then I was doing all kinds of mad sit ups and push ups. And then I came back upstairs and cleaned my house. And then made my lunch for the next day. It was as if Richard Simmons and June Cleaver had simultaneously taken over my body and instilled in me their love for exercise and homemaking. It was spectacularly awesome.
And you know what? Tonight, the SAME THING HAPPENED!
With this kind of consistent reaction, I think it's clear that this magazine is not just glossy paper and ink. Oh no. This shit is legalized good-behavior inducing CRACK. And I'm addicted, and am gonna get me a regular supplier.
Showing posts with label diets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diets. Show all posts
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Friday, July 27, 2007
High Society
In days of yore humans were hunters and gatherers. Now that we rely on the grocery store for the hunting, all we have left is gathering. So we gather. We associate, we counsel, we socialize. And that's how we got Associations, Councils, and Societies. duh.
Living in Washington DC really takes this to the next level. Every time I turn around there's some new "National Association for ..." moving into the office next door. The truly amazing thing about all of these Associations is their specificity. I continually find myself saying, "Can you believe there's an association for that? That's just weird!"
For example, if you would like to only talk to really really REALLY smart people then you should join the Mega Society - a group for people who can prove that they are 99.9999% smarter than the general population. No more will your discussions on the Hoyle-Narlikar Theory of Gravitation stumble into done-to-death references to Newton. That is like so 1965! If you're a member of the Mega Society you don't even have to bother to invite members of the One-in-a-Thousand group to join your discussion. One-in-a-Thousands are only 99.99% smarter than the general population. So the Mega Society is like Too Mega Smart for them.
The Mega Society is plainly 99.9999% elitist and .0001% ridiculous. And ridiculous things intrigue me. Since Associations are clearly a hotbed of silliness, I figure it's high time I knew more about them!
Flexing my Librarian muscle I decided to do a little research and see if I couldn't find the most preposterous Association name. (Using those hot muscles) I heaved the four large volumes of the Encyclopedia of Associations off the shelf and started browsing. I was looking to see how granular each section was likely to get. The short answer is "pretty damn granular". I could easily see why some things had associations. Hobbies, historical trusts, famous persons, those promoting work standards, and anything that might at some point need to be lobbied for I considered valid. But there were a few that seemed just too specific to garner more than a handful of members. And if your entire membership can be fed and watered on a six-pack and a bag of Oreos I don't think you really need an association. Do you? The entire research project made me wonder how much pull in society the following groups could possibly have.
And then I found The One. The Ultimate. The group that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that if this is a legitimate organization then any gathering for any purpose, however farcical, can be legally codified and bylawed.
And so, it is to you, National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, that I present the award for being my Most Favorite Ridiculous Association. You are the Yin to my Yang: I reject, and you accept. There is harmony in the world because you exist. And so, The Honor and (gratefully) The Fat is all yours.
Living in Washington DC really takes this to the next level. Every time I turn around there's some new "National Association for ..." moving into the office next door. The truly amazing thing about all of these Associations is their specificity. I continually find myself saying, "Can you believe there's an association for that? That's just weird!"
For example, if you would like to only talk to really really REALLY smart people then you should join the Mega Society - a group for people who can prove that they are 99.9999% smarter than the general population. No more will your discussions on the Hoyle-Narlikar Theory of Gravitation stumble into done-to-death references to Newton. That is like so 1965! If you're a member of the Mega Society you don't even have to bother to invite members of the One-in-a-Thousand group to join your discussion. One-in-a-Thousands are only 99.99% smarter than the general population. So the Mega Society is like Too Mega Smart for them.
The Mega Society is plainly 99.9999% elitist and .0001% ridiculous. And ridiculous things intrigue me. Since Associations are clearly a hotbed of silliness, I figure it's high time I knew more about them!
Flexing my Librarian muscle I decided to do a little research and see if I couldn't find the most preposterous Association name. (Using those hot muscles) I heaved the four large volumes of the Encyclopedia of Associations off the shelf and started browsing. I was looking to see how granular each section was likely to get. The short answer is "pretty damn granular". I could easily see why some things had associations. Hobbies, historical trusts, famous persons, those promoting work standards, and anything that might at some point need to be lobbied for I considered valid. But there were a few that seemed just too specific to garner more than a handful of members. And if your entire membership can be fed and watered on a six-pack and a bag of Oreos I don't think you really need an association. Do you? The entire research project made me wonder how much pull in society the following groups could possibly have.
- National Frozen Pizza Institute (membership entirely constituted by frat boys, of course.)
- Neckwear Association of America (note that this group deals specifically with ties. Not scarves or any other type of neckwear. Just ties.)
- Underfashion Club (for you pervs out there that want to talk about underwear all the live long day)
- Coalition for Non-Violent Food (its dangerous work, but someone's got to keep food from fighting.)
- Be Somebody, Be Yourself Institute (membership: 1)
- Parents Against Tired Truckers ('Bout time someone besides Smokey was against Truckers. Damn convoys.)
- Clutterers Anonymous; Messies Anonymous (no word on if you can have dual membership in Clutterers AND Messies Anonymous. But if so, I hope they give you a complimentary trash can.)
- Good Bears of the World (Sadly, this is about collecting Teddy Bears. I originally thought it was to help distinguish the Good Bears from the Evil Bears. A much needed service!)
- National Remotivation Therapy Organization (I'm thinking of joining this one myself, they promise to help motivate you. You think they could get me to the gym?)
- Butter Pat Patter Association (Must I point out that this group is not even dedicated to full sticks of butter? Butter pats, friends, butter pats.)
- Cow Observers Worldwide (aptly acronymed as COW)
- AAAA - American Association Against Acronyms (ok, this one is fake, but all the others are real I promise.)
And then I found The One. The Ultimate. The group that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that if this is a legitimate organization then any gathering for any purpose, however farcical, can be legally codified and bylawed.
And so, it is to you, National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, that I present the award for being my Most Favorite Ridiculous Association. You are the Yin to my Yang: I reject, and you accept. There is harmony in the world because you exist. And so, The Honor and (gratefully) The Fat is all yours.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)