OK, so we all know that I have like zero opportunities in my daily life to deal with children, right? I mean, this isn't a surprise to anyone, is it? So I can hardly be blamed if I'm not so great at the basic child caring stuff, right?
Let's just all please keep this in mind as I relate the following story.
One of the women I know has a husky 6 month old baby boy. He's a big kid, and very active. And so I was holding him and throwing him around and basically entertaining the hell out of him after church on Sunday. Unfortunately, I was wearing a really fantastic coat at the time, and it didn't really afford too much mobility or range of motion in the arm region. So when little Timothy did a slow-motion back flip out out of my grasp, I couldn't really get a good hold on him. And he sort of tipped backward and started sliding toward the floor. It became clear pretty quickly that he was going to do a face plant, and all I could do to salvage the situation was to turn that face plant into more of a "setting him down on his face" type scenario. Not ideal, I grant you, but the best to be hoped for given the circumstances.
So I frantically grabbed at his shirt, then his pants, and as he was getting close to the floor I made a last dash effort and grabbed at his diaper ... and I'm sorry to say I accidentally gave his little boy kibbles and bits a pretty significant pinch. In fact, I essentially lowered him by his willie until he landed on his face.
Let me explain by saying that I really didn't have a lot of choices. I could have let him crash to the floor onto his head. Broken his fall with my foot. Or lowered him down a mite more slowly by his nether regions. Sometimes you've got to make hard choices in life, this just happened to be one of them.
I'm not sure what he was more upset about: the face plant of the willie pinch. Either way, he was NOT happy with me. But never fear, mothers, after about 1 minute crying he was happily playing again.
And I sternly reminded myself that THIS is why I don't take care of children.