Getting What you Pay For

Earlier today at Eastern Market I thought I'd grab a quick lunch.

ME: Hi! I'd like a 1/4 lb hot dog please.

HOT DOG MAN: Sure. Here you go.

ME: YUM! Thanks a lot!

Hands me my hot dog, and I move to the condiment station to sass it up. Meanwhile a snotty little teenage girl comes up to the hot dog stand.

SNOTTY GIRL to HOT DOG MAN: Are those done yet?

HOT DOG MAN: No. Sorry. There gonna be about 3 minutes.

SNOTTY GIRL: Another guy said they were gonna be 3 minutes. And that was like FIVE minutes ago!

HOT DOG MAN: Sorry.

SNOTTY GIRL: I'm REALLY hungry!

HOT DOG MAN: I'm sorry, but it will be about three minutes.

Snotty Girl walks off in a huff.

Then Hot Dog Man turns to me and says with a big grin: I just gave you her hot dog!

Wherever you are Snotty Girl, I want you to know that that hot dog was EXTRA delicious.

Polish Dog with Very Green Relish

Mmmmm. Lunchtastic!

America, it's time to talk about the dearth of excellent hot dog stands. It's not just for baseball games and NYC street corners anymore. The People need hot dogs.

Fortunately, there is at least one hot dog stand in Gilbert AZ doing its part to serve up a quality dog.

Step it up, America. Step it up. (You're not going to let GILBERT Arizona beat you on this one are you??)

By the way Good thing I'm eating every three hours here or I might have gorged myself on these. If I don't come home weighing 400 lbs it will be a minor miracle. Can you pass the tortillas?

White Trash Day

Every year (when I remember) I let down my polished East Coast exterior and channel Kid Rock for the Annual White Trash Day festival. The full blown WTD event entails a full day of being less than you can be.

1. Tubing down the Potomac river (ONE tube for you and ONE for your chilled beverage of choice, of course!)
2. A stop at the local diner for tater tots and mac-n-cheese, slathered with ketchup
   
3. The County Fair to hang with the local Slack Jaw Cleetuses who worm out of the woodwork
4. Concluding with the most excellent WT event, the Demolition Derby

Skipping the tubing because we're lazy, we rounded up the troops, and went to the fair and the Demo Derby. Everyone was lookin the part, like the WT wannabes that they are!




Who knew there were so many people who (heart) hot dogs in this world? It's pretty remarkable. But I should have guessed because, really, who doesn't in their heart of hearts just LOVE a hot dog?


Camie, Anna, and Nathan, are looking about as H-O-T as the undercarriage of a souped up Pinto in their wicked sexy Demo Derby t-shirts. Sleeveless, baby, sleeveless. Like I said, H-O-T!




Look at these cars! If you've never been to a Demo Derby before - Get thee Hence, my young friends! Get thee hence! I promise, it will become one of the highlights of your ordinary drab little life. Just so you aren't surprised, here's the recipe for a great Demo Derby:

48 cars that are no longer fit to be on asphalt. Vividly painted and given names like "Killer" or "The Grim Reaper". A large portion of them should be assigned the number "69" - not sure why that is, but just go with it. The crowd counts down, 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 ... and engines roar! Cars zip around in a frenzy bashing and crashing! Things light on fire. The firemen come. Cars flip over, and are pushed back upright. More ramming and jamming. Repeat as necessary.

It's totally freaking awesome.

But ...... perhaps you're a lover, not a fighter. Well, there's something for everyone at the Demo Derby. Why, a simple glance over at the pit and suddenly ....



Introducing the sexy WT mechanic, Mr. Foxy Foxx:

Bam-Chicka-Wah-Waaaaah. Why are those "Jump Her" cables I see? Oh my! You want to do what with that chain?! Mr. Foxy, you're sooo naughty!!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold yer horses! This is a family blog (sort of). Let's keep it clean for the kiddies, shall we?

Moving on to the Fair Food. The approach is simple. You survey your choices, and make a carefully considered decision. Try not to be persuaded by the overt advertising.

Oh, say for example .....


"STEAK!" as if you need to say anything more. I'm sold! Oh, but wait, perhaps what I'm really looking for is ....


"FRIED DOUGH!" Nothing better than dough. Unless you fry it!

But beware, If you are interested in "looking around" at any of the other Fair Food options (fried oreos, lemonade, corndogs, icees, kettle corn, hot dogs, or what have you), do not look directly into the crazy Bride-of-Chucky-Fried-Dough-Lady's eyes. They're Hypnotic!

"Come buy my fried dough, you pasty doughy people! YOU MUUUUST buy my fried dough! Muwahhhaahahahaaa!"

I didn't look away quickly enough. And had 7 funnel cakes.



All in all, a VERY successful White Trash Day! See y'all in 2008!

This is Why I Love July

July is National Hot Dog Month and today, July 18, is National Hot Dog Day. In honor of this prestigious event, and because 2.3 billion hot dog consumers can't be wrong, I offer a limerick.

Please to enjoy:

Hot Dogs! A great summer treat.
In fact, they're my favorite linked meat.
A grilled one piled high
With great toppings and fries ...
A hot dog for lunch can't be beat!

Happy Hot Dog Day everybody!

Celebrate by eating a hot dog (duh!) or by taking this Hot Dog Quiz, courtesy of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. If you do both you'll be chubbier and smarter. And my work here will be done.