Feel free to come on by if you need anything buttered.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
ADHD of the Heart
"Hey!" Mustard said as I walked in the door. "I've got a surprise for you."
"Oh goody! I love surprises," I said before remembering that a Mustard-style surprise might be as welcome as a monster zit on your wedding day. "What'd you do? Reprogram the cable box so that every channel shows nothing but Sabado Gigante?"
"No, I didn't. But that's not a bad idea," he said getting that far away look in his eye that I've come to distrust deeply.
"So?" I prompted, "My surprise?"
"Oh riiiiiiiight. THE SURPRISE!" he said, adding with a mischievous little grin, "I've written you a song."
"A song?"
"Yes! A song, a ballad, a little ditty. To cheer your ugly mug up. I'm sort of sorry that online dating was such a bust. You know, as sorry as I get about anything, that is. I know you've been really sad about it."
"No I haven't."
"Uh-huh. You can't lie to me. I know. I have to live with you."
"I'm not lying. Really. I couldn't be happier that I'm done with the online dating. You didn't need to write me a cheer up song."
"Oh, but I did. I really did." When he gets this smug expression, there's no arguing with him. I sighed.
"So do I get to hear it or what? I didn't think you were very musical."
"I have many talents that you don't know anything about," he sniffed. "But I'll admit, I only provided new lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's most excellent Power Ballad, Total Eclipse of the Heart," he said, sinking down onto one knee to pay homage to the 80s classic.
"Put that lighter away before you melt yourself," I said.
"OK. Now, since this is sort of a duet, I'm going to need you to sing the "Turn Around" part. Can you handle that?"
"I think I can probably manage it." I said dryly.
"Great. Instead of saying "Turn Around" you're going to say, "Click Around." Got it?"
"Got it."
"Good," he said, all business. "And I only did one verse and the dramatic middle part - I don't have all day to focus my energy on your stupid problems. Here are the lyrics. Don't mess up."
"Ok. I'll try."
He stared at me.
"What?" I asked.
"You have to start," he whispered. Oh right. So after a rousing piano intro I started ....
I hope you imagined him singing it with all of the hand-clasping, dramatic stopping, and knee-drops that belong in a Power Ballad. He did every one of them. It really amped up the emotion.
Gotta hand it to him though, I've got a regular Alan Menken on my hands over here. I know you are all WAY BEYOND jealous.
"Oh goody! I love surprises," I said before remembering that a Mustard-style surprise might be as welcome as a monster zit on your wedding day. "What'd you do? Reprogram the cable box so that every channel shows nothing but Sabado Gigante?"
"No, I didn't. But that's not a bad idea," he said getting that far away look in his eye that I've come to distrust deeply.
"So?" I prompted, "My surprise?"
"Oh riiiiiiiight. THE SURPRISE!" he said, adding with a mischievous little grin, "I've written you a song."
"A song?"
"Yes! A song, a ballad, a little ditty. To cheer your ugly mug up. I'm sort of sorry that online dating was such a bust. You know, as sorry as I get about anything, that is. I know you've been really sad about it."
"No I haven't."
"Uh-huh. You can't lie to me. I know. I have to live with you."
"I'm not lying. Really. I couldn't be happier that I'm done with the online dating. You didn't need to write me a cheer up song."
"Oh, but I did. I really did." When he gets this smug expression, there's no arguing with him. I sighed.
"So do I get to hear it or what? I didn't think you were very musical."
"I have many talents that you don't know anything about," he sniffed. "But I'll admit, I only provided new lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's most excellent Power Ballad, Total Eclipse of the Heart," he said, sinking down onto one knee to pay homage to the 80s classic.
"Put that lighter away before you melt yourself," I said.
"OK. Now, since this is sort of a duet, I'm going to need you to sing the "Turn Around" part. Can you handle that?"
"I think I can probably manage it." I said dryly.
"Great. Instead of saying "Turn Around" you're going to say, "Click Around." Got it?"
"Got it."
"Good," he said, all business. "And I only did one verse and the dramatic middle part - I don't have all day to focus my energy on your stupid problems. Here are the lyrics. Don't mess up."
"Ok. I'll try."
He stared at me.
"What?" I asked.
"You have to start," he whispered. Oh right. So after a rousing piano intro I started ....
click around
Every now and then you get a little bit lonely and you think you should see who's online
click around
Every now and then you're trolling profiles like a skanky cougar hoochiemama way past her prime
CLICK AROUND!
Every now and then you meet a guy who seems like he's perfect and everything he does looks right
Click around
Every now and then you picture your bright future sharing his kids with him and his shrewish ex-wife
Click AROUND, weird guys(?!)
Every now and then they're freaking tards!
Click around, weird guys
Every now and then they're freaking tards!!
And he's sending you weird texts
And he says you'd look good in leather
And if you'd only agree to be next
He'd buy a wedding dress made of pleather
And in only one date you'd be vexed
But to him that wouldn't matter.
Desperate just to meet you, he'd cross all the state lines
In your heart your sorry cuz he's weird and fifty-nine!
You don't know what to do, he's just so damn bizarre
Does he really think you want to spend your time talkin bout cars?!
You've gotta dump him tonight!
Being single's gonna start tonight!
Being single's gonna start tonight!
Once upon a time you would tolerate fools
Now it seems you don't have the art
Nothing you can do
You've ADHD of the Heart
ADHD of the Heart .... Click around, weird guys .... Click around, weird guys, Click arouuuuund
I hope you imagined him singing it with all of the hand-clasping, dramatic stopping, and knee-drops that belong in a Power Ballad. He did every one of them. It really amped up the emotion.
Gotta hand it to him though, I've got a regular Alan Menken on my hands over here. I know you are all WAY BEYOND jealous.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Sure to Induce Nightmares
One of the best perks at my job is Pizza Friday. Have I told you about Pizza Friday? I should sometime since it's a funny little ritual. But I can't do it right now; I've got something more pressing to share with you. All you need to know for today's post is that during Pizza Friday my co-workers and I sit around one of the conference tables and try to out-wit, out-smart, and out-offend everyone else at the table.
Usually we talk about extreme sports or Office Space, but today someone asked what the strangest pet we ever owned was. The clear winner was one of the Russian girls who said she had a pet BEAR (?!?). But as weird, and yet somehow NOT weird as that is, it's not the story that's going to be keeping me up tonight.
Nope, the scariest story of the day was about a pet snake. Naturally. If you have a crippling fear of snakes, as I do, I suggest you don't read the rest of this post. Unless you're in a program, as I am, to try and build up your tolerance to them by slowly exposing yourself to snakes in harmless ways. Then it might be ok. But don't sue me. Dad, consider yourself warned. I don't want to hear any crybaby stories from you later.
So, this story was related by my friend Ryan. Apparently this happened to one of his friends.
She had a pet boa constrictor for years and years. She let it roam freely about her house. (Obviously, she wasn't in her right mind!) After years of letting this snake do just as it pleased it was getting pretty big and at the time of this story was probably around 5 feet long or so.
One night she woke up and found the snake stretched out alongside her in bed - STICK STRAIGHT! Of course this freaked her out, and so she picked him up and put him back into his tank.
The next night, same thing. Woke up to find the snake stretched out alongside her ... stick straight. Again, she put him back into the cage.
Since clearly this was weird behavior, she took the snake to the vet the next day to see if he had any idea what was up. When she told the vet that she'd found the snake stretched out next to her, the vet looked at her with a shocked expression and said, "He was measuring himself against you. To see if he was big enough to EAT YOU."
And now, readers, if you can sleep well after that story I salute you. I plan on enjoying my future as an insomniac. I expect I'll be very productive.
Usually we talk about extreme sports or Office Space, but today someone asked what the strangest pet we ever owned was. The clear winner was one of the Russian girls who said she had a pet BEAR (?!?). But as weird, and yet somehow NOT weird as that is, it's not the story that's going to be keeping me up tonight.
Nope, the scariest story of the day was about a pet snake. Naturally. If you have a crippling fear of snakes, as I do, I suggest you don't read the rest of this post. Unless you're in a program, as I am, to try and build up your tolerance to them by slowly exposing yourself to snakes in harmless ways. Then it might be ok. But don't sue me. Dad, consider yourself warned. I don't want to hear any crybaby stories from you later.
So, this story was related by my friend Ryan. Apparently this happened to one of his friends.
She had a pet boa constrictor for years and years. She let it roam freely about her house. (Obviously, she wasn't in her right mind!) After years of letting this snake do just as it pleased it was getting pretty big and at the time of this story was probably around 5 feet long or so.
One night she woke up and found the snake stretched out alongside her in bed - STICK STRAIGHT! Of course this freaked her out, and so she picked him up and put him back into his tank.
The next night, same thing. Woke up to find the snake stretched out alongside her ... stick straight. Again, she put him back into the cage.
Since clearly this was weird behavior, she took the snake to the vet the next day to see if he had any idea what was up. When she told the vet that she'd found the snake stretched out next to her, the vet looked at her with a shocked expression and said, "He was measuring himself against you. To see if he was big enough to EAT YOU."
***
And now, readers, if you can sleep well after that story I salute you. I plan on enjoying my future as an insomniac. I expect I'll be very productive.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Who Knew I Was So Impatient?
I did a really dumb thing this past weekend. Before I tell you what it was, let me try to justify my actions. Fruitless as that might be. And I'm sorry that this post is going to be really boring, since I'm just going to be talking about books, but for real, I CANNOT FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE this week. It's driving me batty.
So anyway.
I recently read the final book in Libba Bray's "Great & Terrible Beauty" series. It was pretty good, but it'd been a while since I'd read the first books in the series and so as my mind would drift off I'd notice that I'd been thinking such clever thoughts as "What the wha?" and "I don't remember this character AT ALL" way more often than was acceptable to make the book truly enjoyable.
Of course, after that frustrating experience I was wary about being unprepared for the finale to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. So I did the most logical thing I could think of and re-read the entire series over the weekend. Twilight, New Moon, AND Eclipse. That's about 1500 pages of angsty vampire/werewolf love. No I didn't go out of my house all weekend, and yes it was totally worth it.
Needlesstosay, I'm a major loser.
The problem is now I'm all in a frenzy for the final book, Breaking Dawn. And it doesn't come out until Saturday (or Friday night at midnight if you're a major loser like me). Which means that I've had A WHOLE WEEK TO OBSESS OVER IT! I can't even bear to give you the details of my obsessing because it's really embarrassing, but just know that I'm NOT talking about a mild interest here.
I should know myself well enough by this point to know that I SHOULD have taken work off Thursday and Friday to re-read the series, rather than force myself to spend an entire week in suspense. I can't believe I've put myself through this TORTURE! I have zero patience when novels are on the line.
I can console myself only by repeating over and over, "Two more sleeps. Just TWO more sleeps." But even that doesn't make it better. Will this week NEVER END?
So anyway.
I recently read the final book in Libba Bray's "Great & Terrible Beauty" series. It was pretty good, but it'd been a while since I'd read the first books in the series and so as my mind would drift off I'd notice that I'd been thinking such clever thoughts as "What the wha?" and "I don't remember this character AT ALL" way more often than was acceptable to make the book truly enjoyable.
Of course, after that frustrating experience I was wary about being unprepared for the finale to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. So I did the most logical thing I could think of and re-read the entire series over the weekend. Twilight, New Moon, AND Eclipse. That's about 1500 pages of angsty vampire/werewolf love. No I didn't go out of my house all weekend, and yes it was totally worth it.
Needlesstosay, I'm a major loser.
The problem is now I'm all in a frenzy for the final book, Breaking Dawn. And it doesn't come out until Saturday (or Friday night at midnight if you're a major loser like me). Which means that I've had A WHOLE WEEK TO OBSESS OVER IT! I can't even bear to give you the details of my obsessing because it's really embarrassing, but just know that I'm NOT talking about a mild interest here.
I should know myself well enough by this point to know that I SHOULD have taken work off Thursday and Friday to re-read the series, rather than force myself to spend an entire week in suspense. I can't believe I've put myself through this TORTURE! I have zero patience when novels are on the line.
I can console myself only by repeating over and over, "Two more sleeps. Just TWO more sleeps." But even that doesn't make it better. Will this week NEVER END?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Wherein I am Jealous of Myself
So remember the super perfect apartment on Capitol Hill that Camie and I were hoping your righteous prayers would get for us? Well, someone out there must be doing something right, because although we ultimately decided not to go with that specific place - we ended up getting an apartment that's EVEN BETTER!
Blocks from Eastern Market, steps from Lincoln Park, the top two stories of a Victorian brownstone, hardwood floors, fireplace, a kitchen that's not a galley kitchen and Loads of Charm - this place is really going to be great!
And really, location couldn't be better. If we walk out to the middle of the street, instead of seeing the Capitol, we will see this little gem:
Know what that is? Perhaps, you don't recognize the building. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Marble + Ionic columns doesn't exactly narrow it down in this town.
How about I give you a hint and show you the inside ...
Got it now? Ok, then let's grab hands and jump up and down while we scream, "LIBRARY OF CONGRESS! LIBRARY OF CONGRESS!"
As a librarian, THIS is the ultimate. Living within yards of the Mother Ship ... well, ironically, there are no words.
I couldn't be happier! I think our apartment is going to be a raging success! So thanks everyone for being so extra-special-super righteous so Cam and I can have a swank pad to chill in. You're all invited over for mocktails (or cocktails, if Camie has anything to say about it).
We move September 6th. So if you're in the area, and are interested in getting some free pizza that day, I know a way we can arrange that.
Blocks from Eastern Market, steps from Lincoln Park, the top two stories of a Victorian brownstone, hardwood floors, fireplace, a kitchen that's not a galley kitchen and Loads of Charm - this place is really going to be great!
And really, location couldn't be better. If we walk out to the middle of the street, instead of seeing the Capitol, we will see this little gem:
Know what that is? Perhaps, you don't recognize the building. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Marble + Ionic columns doesn't exactly narrow it down in this town.
How about I give you a hint and show you the inside ...
Got it now? Ok, then let's grab hands and jump up and down while we scream, "LIBRARY OF CONGRESS! LIBRARY OF CONGRESS!"
As a librarian, THIS is the ultimate. Living within yards of the Mother Ship ... well, ironically, there are no words.
I couldn't be happier! I think our apartment is going to be a raging success! So thanks everyone for being so extra-special-super righteous so Cam and I can have a swank pad to chill in. You're all invited over for mocktails (or cocktails, if Camie has anything to say about it).
We move September 6th. So if you're in the area, and are interested in getting some free pizza that day, I know a way we can arrange that.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I shouldn't love this, but I do
** Apartment update: We're still waiting to hear. Hopefully something today or tomorrow. Keep your prayer rugs pointed toward Mecca! **
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Unfettered
Eighteen months ago ........
I wouldn't smile too widely because see that left front tooth? I HATED IT. Longer than the rest, it was the focal point of all of my self-consciousness. Even my jiggly butt failed to attract my criticism - all self loathing was reserved for THAT DAMN TOOTH.
So I did something about it.
Such a charmer with my braceface, doncha think? For all of you teens/adults out there that think you shouldn't get braces because it will dampen your social life ... let me tell you, it doesn't. I did just fine with the mens during this time of supposed social leprosy. It was a real lesson to me that if you are happy and have a good sense of humor you are just as attractive as someone that doesn't have metal welded to their face.
And now, today, I am reveling in their straightness and the fact that I got a few years put back onto my age. I don't look like I'm 17 anymore.
Hello beautiful teeths! I knew you were in there somewhere.
Oh, Biting! How I've missed you. Carrots, Celery, Apples! No longer shall we be parted!
But you know the thing I'm most excited about? Besides the straightness of them, of course. Is the Flossing .... oh how I've missed the flossing!
I wouldn't smile too widely because see that left front tooth? I HATED IT. Longer than the rest, it was the focal point of all of my self-consciousness. Even my jiggly butt failed to attract my criticism - all self loathing was reserved for THAT DAMN TOOTH.So I did something about it.
Such a charmer with my braceface, doncha think? For all of you teens/adults out there that think you shouldn't get braces because it will dampen your social life ... let me tell you, it doesn't. I did just fine with the mens during this time of supposed social leprosy. It was a real lesson to me that if you are happy and have a good sense of humor you are just as attractive as someone that doesn't have metal welded to their face.
And now, today, I am reveling in their straightness and the fact that I got a few years put back onto my age. I don't look like I'm 17 anymore.
Hello beautiful teeths! I knew you were in there somewhere.
Oh, Biting! How I've missed you. Carrots, Celery, Apples! No longer shall we be parted!
But you know the thing I'm most excited about? Besides the straightness of them, of course. Is the Flossing .... oh how I've missed the flossing!
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