Beer Apologist

"Beer has no calories."

"Dream on dude! Booze = calories = fat. The calories are 80% of the reason why I don't drink. The other 20% is a little thing called 'eternal salvation'."

"Well, we already know you're screwed there."

"You're probably right. Damn."

"So you should drink light beer."

Awesome Dawson

I should probably be embarrassed about this fact, but I'm not. I'm a loud and proud fan, and I'm completely addicted to Dawson's Creek.

I've recently discovered it on TBS, and the only thing I can think about is: WHY didn't I know about this show when it was on Primetime? What was I wasting my time watching when I could have been angsting along with Joey, Pacey, Dawson and the entire Capeside High Crew?

I certainly wasn't watching my other Series That I Most Regret Not Watching: Felicity. Where are my priorities? I also missed most of Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, and Freaks and Geeks. I'm utterly ashamed of myself.

And if I missed those, just think of what great shows I could be missing right now!

No, I can't. I can't think about it! It's too depressing. Besides, I'm doing my best to try and make amends by watching Dawson's anytime I can. The fact that it's on at 9AM, which is an awkward time if you want to stay employed, only demonstrates the level of my remorse and devotion. I suppose I could record it, but I think it means more if I sacrifice. And besides I'm a little bit opposed to recording reruns. I hope TBS starts syndicating Felicity soon, so I can make up there too.

Gosh, I'm starting to analyze my Fall TV line up and all of this "hindsight is 20/20" business is sure increasing the pressure to pick the best shows. I'll post my schedule soon just to make sure that everyone agrees that I'm dedicating my time wisely. Don't want to be smacking my head in 10 years that I wasn't watching Pushing Daisies because I spent all of my time on "So You Think You Can Make Fart Noises Like A Fifth Grader".

In the meantime, help me know that I'm not alone. What TV shows did you not watch that you wish you had?

Fairly Odd

These shoes seem more suitable for work. (I'm assuming her occupation is: Ho)



Cupholders for a motorcycle. Apparently, Harley dudes need cokes too! (Wouldn't it be hard to drink and drive? At the very least, there's an increased bug inhaling risk. Maybe they could use a straw. But that sort of destroys the tough guy image. Hmm. Their strategy may be flawed.)




This was some odd interpretive dance being done by a bunch of Asian kids. They were playing the Mission Impossible theme over and over and had a strobe light going. I've never been prone to seizures when strobe lights are around, but I seriously considered having one. Maybe that would have made them stop.

Fairly Pretty

White Trash Day

Every year (when I remember) I let down my polished East Coast exterior and channel Kid Rock for the Annual White Trash Day festival. The full blown WTD event entails a full day of being less than you can be.

1. Tubing down the Potomac river (ONE tube for you and ONE for your chilled beverage of choice, of course!)
2. A stop at the local diner for tater tots and mac-n-cheese, slathered with ketchup
   
3. The County Fair to hang with the local Slack Jaw Cleetuses who worm out of the woodwork
4. Concluding with the most excellent WT event, the Demolition Derby

Skipping the tubing because we're lazy, we rounded up the troops, and went to the fair and the Demo Derby. Everyone was lookin the part, like the WT wannabes that they are!




Who knew there were so many people who (heart) hot dogs in this world? It's pretty remarkable. But I should have guessed because, really, who doesn't in their heart of hearts just LOVE a hot dog?


Camie, Anna, and Nathan, are looking about as H-O-T as the undercarriage of a souped up Pinto in their wicked sexy Demo Derby t-shirts. Sleeveless, baby, sleeveless. Like I said, H-O-T!




Look at these cars! If you've never been to a Demo Derby before - Get thee Hence, my young friends! Get thee hence! I promise, it will become one of the highlights of your ordinary drab little life. Just so you aren't surprised, here's the recipe for a great Demo Derby:

48 cars that are no longer fit to be on asphalt. Vividly painted and given names like "Killer" or "The Grim Reaper". A large portion of them should be assigned the number "69" - not sure why that is, but just go with it. The crowd counts down, 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 ... and engines roar! Cars zip around in a frenzy bashing and crashing! Things light on fire. The firemen come. Cars flip over, and are pushed back upright. More ramming and jamming. Repeat as necessary.

It's totally freaking awesome.

But ...... perhaps you're a lover, not a fighter. Well, there's something for everyone at the Demo Derby. Why, a simple glance over at the pit and suddenly ....



Introducing the sexy WT mechanic, Mr. Foxy Foxx:

Bam-Chicka-Wah-Waaaaah. Why are those "Jump Her" cables I see? Oh my! You want to do what with that chain?! Mr. Foxy, you're sooo naughty!!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold yer horses! This is a family blog (sort of). Let's keep it clean for the kiddies, shall we?

Moving on to the Fair Food. The approach is simple. You survey your choices, and make a carefully considered decision. Try not to be persuaded by the overt advertising.

Oh, say for example .....


"STEAK!" as if you need to say anything more. I'm sold! Oh, but wait, perhaps what I'm really looking for is ....


"FRIED DOUGH!" Nothing better than dough. Unless you fry it!

But beware, If you are interested in "looking around" at any of the other Fair Food options (fried oreos, lemonade, corndogs, icees, kettle corn, hot dogs, or what have you), do not look directly into the crazy Bride-of-Chucky-Fried-Dough-Lady's eyes. They're Hypnotic!

"Come buy my fried dough, you pasty doughy people! YOU MUUUUST buy my fried dough! Muwahhhaahahahaaa!"

I didn't look away quickly enough. And had 7 funnel cakes.



All in all, a VERY successful White Trash Day! See y'all in 2008!

Fall Fling

Mrs. Dub has sent her readers on a Fall Fashion Scavenger hunt, so of course, I'm on that like white on rice! We're supposed to find a Fall shoe, a piece of outterwear, and a smashing accessory.

Here are my picks:


Chie Mihara shoes in violet/brown would look super cute with a swing or trapeze dress, tights, and some long necklaces. (Maybe throw in a chunky cocktail ring too! Oh-la-la!)



This super cute Gap jacket is fleece, which makes it both stylish and wicked comfortable. It's also a good bi-coastal jacket, which is hard to find. The style is all uptown East Coast, but the fleece will make you fit right in if you find yourself in the Pacific Northwest, as I sometimes do. (PS. I also really like the striped turtleneck you see peeking out there too. A sucker for turtlenecks, I am.)

Speaking of the Gap. Hello? have you been to the Gap lately? Yeah, me neither. But I went in today, and I just about had a heart attack at all of the CUTE CUTE CUTE things they had! I found a short sleeve turtleneck, an item I've been looking for for literally YEARS! I should have bought out their entire stock, given how hard they are to find. Well done, Gap. Looks like your efforts to get back on track are working. You're back in my Mall rotation, right between ALDO and Nine West.

I really like this little cocktail ring form Urban Outfitters. It'll sass any outfit up, for sure! Comes in 4 colors and is a very reasonable $16.00 (especially since UO is always really overpriced.)

If you decide to do this scavenger hunt too, let me know in the comments, I'd love to see your picks!

Back to the Beach Basics

Is there, I ask you, a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than romping in the ocean until you're so giddy and seaswept (and practically drowned but still happy about that fact) that it is all you can do to stumble up the beach and situate yourself on your beach mat without getting sand all over everything? Then snuggling your head into your towel and letting the hot sun warm up your chicken skin before drifting off into an exhaustion induced nap?

Aaahhh! I love it! The Beach! I feel shame that I don't make it a higher priority in my life. I mean, really, what the hell am I doing with my time?

Answer: Nothing as important as regular beach attendance.

It's a shame that this past Saturday was the first time I've been to the beach all season. Especially considering that I'm all tricked out with the essential beach-going gear, as seen below. Check out my sweet Jesus tote. It works great as a beach bag! Plus I enjoyed its holy protection all day. No jellyfish or skanky metal-detector dudes on it's watch!



You can also see my most beloved beach item, my grass beach mat. What did people do before grass beach mats? I can't believe that a towel was ever sufficient. Towels are for wadding up and using as a pillow. Grass mats are for burrowing your nose into so you can smell their sweet grassy smell mixed in with salt and sun. If that doesn't lull you to sleep, its probably because there are some annoying people near you who are talking about their aunt Peggy's affair with her boss. And you'd be right to stay awake to hear those details, despite the lull of the sweet beach grass mat smell.

In addition to my mat and beach bag, you see some other trinkets that are useful: my No-Ad sunscreen, which I always bring but hardly ever use (sorry future skin!)



And my orange hoodie cleverly draped over my iPod and a couple of magazines, items that might tempt thieves who would dare to do their thievery right out from under Jesus' nose! If you can believe that.



The only other required item is my swimming suit (not pictured above because it was on me a the time, and really, I want you to continue to visit this site. No need to sear your eyes out.)


I like this suit (I sometimes call it The Green Monster, whether for the jealousy it induces or the resemblance to Fenway Park I'll leave up to you to decide), and it's relatively flattering except for the part where it lets my fat show. But in the fatscape of the beach, I'm never the biggest offender. In fact, I'm a little pissed off that I spend all winter freaking out about getting into a swimsuit because it appears that the no one else on the beach has had this concern. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble.

I'll be posting some pictures over the next few days of my visit and the goings on at Ocean City, Maryland. The REAL OC, as we like to call it, is a goldmine of tackiness. A true treasure trove of the absurd. Walking its boardwalk will open your eyes to things you never considered possible. As well as answer the age old question "WHO in the WORLD would buy this ugly-ass shirt?" People the go to Ocean City, my friend. That's who.