Saturday, June 16, 2007

Read! Lest I'm Forced to Gouge Out My Eyes

I care about what I wear. It's the one thing that can really make or break an otherwise average day. I know its shallow, and it's not everybody's thing, but I like it. And because I like it, I expect that other people will just give clothing (theirs and mine) a nominal amount of attention. After all, I have to give some attention to things that other people like that I don't particularly care for, such as politics and anything created by Micheal Moore. It seems only fair to tolerate other people's interests and give them the respect they deserve. But as I go about my business around the town, there are times when I seriously have to question what some people consider a "nominal amount of attention".

For example, yesterday I went to Wendy's for dinner. While I was standing in line debating between my two regular choices, #1 Single Classic with Cheese combo or #7 Spicy Chicken Sandwich combo, a teenage boy came up to give some money to his friend, who was in front of me, so his friend would buy him another junior bacon cheeseburger.

Mr. Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger had on a bright blue/pink/purple tie dye shirt, orange/green plaid golf shorts and a dirty gray baseball cap cocked wildly askew. I was so distracted by the rest of this ensemble that I couldn't tell you what kind of footwear he had going on, but whatever it was it certainly didn't do anything to help the train wreck happening above the ankles, and therefore must have only been playing a supporting role in making it worse.

So horrific was his outfit that I seriously (and I'm not lying about this) thought he must be mentally retarded. My "sympathetic smile" was all ready to go as I listened in to see if I could tell just how retarded he was by his speech. That sympathetic smile was wiped clean off my face and replaced with a scowl of incredulity when it became clear that this boy WAS NOT mentally challenged! He was just blatantly disregarding the most basic rules of going out into public.

Just so there isn't any more confusion on this point, and in case you have been living without sight or mirrors for your entire life and are therefore not aware, THESE are the most basic rules for going out into public:
  1. Stick to one dominant pattern. Tie dye and plaid are clearly 2 dominant patterns and should not be worn together.
  2. Colors should be complimentary to each other.
  3. Unless your name is Joseph and you have a Coat of Many Colors, you should not be wearing more than 5 colors at once.
  4. Your clothing should at NO TIME be mistaken for undergarments. Yeah, I'm talking to you, lady that was wearing what I thought was denim underwear.
  5. Unless you really have given up the will to live, NEVER wear elastic-bottomed sweatpants publicly. This is the International Sign of Having Given Up the Will to Live, and it will be assumed that you are on your way to a suspension bridge or gun shop, and police officers and helicopters will try to talk you out of it via megaphone.
  6. ONLY if you are Heidi Klum, Candace Bushnell, or Sara Jessica Parker can you wear whatever you want and it will be called couture. If you are none of these people, follow the rules above and avoid anything that has been Bedazzled.
Learn it. Live it. Don't make me say it again.

If I can learn to tolerate mind numbingly boring discussions about copyright law, or stuffed animals in the back window of otherwise perfectly innocent cars, or pet insurance, well then, YOU, can learn to tolerate looking at your clothes before putting them onto your body and walking through your front door.

8 comments:

nckuhn said...

Truly your posts are becoming the greatest highlight of my day. I'm still laughing about the mustard. Did you end up just tossing it?

Gretchen said...

As predicted, the mustard is still sitting on my counter awaiting its fate. I'm toying with the idea of turning it into my mascot and taking it with me on trips to photograph in exotic locations. Wonder if airport security would consider it a bio-hazard?

tablloyd said...

Gretch- absolutely love your blog. You truly have a gift for sophisticated humor and sheer cleverness. I'm indeed insanely jealous. You've apparently made a fan out of my brother-in-law who apparently just randomly clicked on your link from our page. He told Julie he thought you were funny. Keep it up!

Ruth & Ryan said...

My neighbor wears elastic bottom sweatpants almost every day but she also has a really poofy short perm. I can't quite decide which one is the worst offense.

Camie said...

I'm surprised you go out in public with me. I'm not sure I can keep all of those rules.....

erin said...

i didn't engage you in any discussions about pet insurance, did i?!?? i hope not. i know you don't care about pets (including mine) and will try to not force you into liking, or even caring about, bruno. and i totally agree about all your rules. we have this guy who wears sweatpants to church. it's incredibly distracting.

Camie said...

Erin, you should definitely get pet insurance. It has saved my friend Lindsay thousands of dollars over the years. I think her dogs may be a little accident prone, but still.....

Julie said...

Okay Lady, so are you going to write a book or what? I am totally there standing in line to buy the first copy. Thanks for cheering the masses with your wit!