Tuesday, July 3, 2007

People Wonder Why I Don't Entertain More

Since moving into my building almost three years ago I've seen some crazy things. I really, really like my apartment. Its got a great view, is fairly spacious, and since utilities are included in my rent I feel free to take ridiculously long showers and fall asleep with my light on. So I deal with the healthy portion of crazy that I'm liable to encounter once I go out of my front door. And, believe me, there's a whole lotta crazy going on out there. But crazy as my neighbors may be, I've never seen quite as much near-nudity as I've seen this week. I chalk it up to the opening of our pool. Or maybe the steamy heat is to blame. I'm not sure.

Join me on a single elevator ride that's destined to go down in the annals of You Think I'm Lying, But I Swear on Britney Spears' Shaved Head That This is All True. (oh why does my elevator attract such horrible behavior?):
  • Waiting for the elevator with a fellow in dirty white belly shirt and severely sagged white basketball shorts, resulting in a full view of not very clean tightey whiteys. I don't want to say "racing stripes" out loud ... but well ... yeah.
  • When it arrived the doors opened to reveal a guy zipping up his pants. I was glad that I hadn't been in the elevator while they were unzipped. But it certainly didn't make me feel very good about getting in after him.
  • Stopping at pool level we picked up a guy going back up to his apartment after swimming. Unfortunately he was using a pair of cut-offs as a swimming suit, and they sagged a liiiiiitle too low for decency.
  • Finally exiting the elevator on the 16th floor I see my heavy-set Latino neighbor taking his trash to the trash chute in only a tee-shirt and briefs.
  • At this point my eyes had been assaulted to such an extent that they spontaneously combusted, and I fumbled down the hall crying and swearing to forgo the elevator from now on. If I ever need to leave my island of sanity again I'll just repel down the side of the building instead. Much safer that way.
Don't get me wrong, I think my neighbors are pretty nice. Sure, they're crazy exhibitionists, but at least they are NICE crazy exhibitionists. I should look at this as a perk. There are clubs in Northeast DC where ladies are spending hard earned dollars on this kind of thing. Here, it's all part of the service: 1 BR, spacious, great view, utilities and peep shows included. Apply today!

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