Dear Job, Stop Fighting It and Be My Valentine

This year I am asking my Job to be my Valentine. On the surface this sounds really pathetic. But believe me, we used to be seriously in love with each other. But I don't know ... somehow the magic just faded.

I said some things ("Why do you suck so bad?") and it said some things ("You act like you don't even care anymore!") and then I said some more things ("I would care if you gave me anything to care about. But you don't! You're so distant!"). And well, it wasn't too long before we were talking about divorce. It was a dark, dark, boring time.

But no matter how many other suitors I entertained, the fates kept us together. You just can't fight destiny. Believe me, I tried and I failed. Oh how I failed!

But now, I'm happy to say, we are working really hard at being there for one another and really making our time together count. So far, it's been great! Sure, we've still got a long way to go before we get back to that honeymooning stage of our relationship. But I really think we're going to make it. I really do. I, for one, am already feeling loved and I hope it feels loved right back.

You hear that, Job? I said I love you! So, what do you say? Will you be my Valentine?

Rock That Coogi White Boy

"Ladies, don't startle the Coogi."

This is a Coogi Sweater (pronounced Koo-Gee, yo). The most interesting thing about a Coogi Sweater, and this my stylish coworker can attest to, is that Coogis are only appreciated by African-American people. He has received exactly 3 compliments on this sweater, all from black folks. (Let it be noted that he has received in excess of 3 cries of horror, all from me.) Whitey has no love for the Coogi, it seems.

This is a true phenomenon. Even as this picture was being taken and I was in the middle of giving him crap about how horrible it was, and how it could only be more horrible if he'd coupled it with a mock turtleneck and brown braided belt (aka The Trifecta), when one of our black co-workers happened by and said in all seriousness, "Man, That is a NICE sweater!" (They said some more stuff, like "lord, chile" but it sounds way too racist to actually type out. Even though it's the truth.) I was glad to be there in person when the Coogi was complimented, because frankly I thought he was lying that anyone had taken time out of their day to bestow a kind word about this sweater. I had the distinct feeling that I was witnessing a once in a lifetime experience like Haley's Comet, or a spiral perm that turned out good.

So you know, if you want to look all Fly a Coogi is a good place to start. But since real Coogi Sweaters can be pretty expensive I suggest just making your own. It's easy! First collect the dryer lint from all of the dryers in a high rise ghetto apartment building for a month or so. Once you have a sizeable wad, wrap the dryer lint strategically with fishing line. Then set it below a heat lap until it fuses together into a giant pelt. Then you will have the material from which a Coogi Sweater can be constructed. Once you've cut out the pieces and stitched it together, you'll be ready to roll in style, yo.

Just be prepared for an onslaught of compliments from all the brothas from another motha.

I Deny It All

So I just got back from a work trip to Las Vegas. And really, for a work trip, I had an AH-Mazing time. I met up with a bunch of friends that I haven't seen for a long time, and made a bunch of new friends. If there's anything I can't have too many of, it's friends that live in exotic places around the world. The food was great, the hotel was AH-Mazing (complete with AH-Mazing marble bathtubs and turn down service with MINTS!), and the casino only shanghaied me out of $5. Good times, good times.

But even with all of the good times, there are still some things that should definitely stay in Vegas. Such as .......

• Seeing one of the male Sr. VPs watching Charmed while running on the treadmill. Come on now, we all watch Charmed from time to time ... but we don't admit it, and we should never do it in public.
• The animatronic show at Caesar's Palace. It was horrible. They could learn a thing or two from Chuck-E-Cheese.
• Dancing like a fool at the opening social. I wish I could blame doing really bad air guitar (twice) on the booze. But I can't. I'm just hoping everyone else really took advantage of the open bar and can't remember.
  
• Singing along with every song at a piano bar. It was a DUELING piano bar, so maybe that makes it better. But probably not.
• Seeing some Ladies of the Night trolling for business in the hotel bar. Got me some edumacation there, I'll tell ya.
  

In the category of things I'm happy to replay in my memory, I saw the fountain at the Bellagio, and I think I might like that better than fireworks. BETTER THAN FIREWORKS!!! That's serious love.

Live from Michigan

I'm so dedicated to bringing you the LATEST in election '08 coverage, I flew to Michigan to be the first to bring you the news of how their Primary turns out. I'm dedicated like that.

I mean, this is probably the most exciting primary since New Hampshire! Like there are some things about delegate seats and boycotting, best-laid retaliation plans backfiring, and not everyone appearing on the ballot. And holy cow Hillary will have back to back wins; a major advantages of being the only Dem on the ballot. It's pretty exciting stuff. And if I cared about politics at all, I would most certainly be out doing some scintillating exit polling.

But I don't.

Let's illustrate ...

Colleague: So when does Maryland have their primary?

Me: {Blank Look}

Colleague: Is it on Super Tuesday?

Me: {Blank Look}

Colleague: February 5th?

Me: Sure. That sounds good.

So no, I'm not here to bring you the second-by-second summary of the Michigan Primary. Politics are not my cup of tea.

Work is my cup of tea. (I actually have some to do! It's a minor miracle!) Consequently, I'm in Michigan as part of a two-week Work Triptacular. First stop, Ann Arbor ... where my brain will be jammed with useful facts and cheerful information. Then home for the weekend to do laundry and repack before scooting off for a week in Vegas, baby, Vegas.

Consequently, posting will probably be light because obviously I can't tell you about the shenanigans I get up to in Vegas. And there are no shenanigans to be had in Ann Arbor.

But I don't want to leave you high and dry. If I can't think of anything interesting to post about I will just do what I always do and exaggerate wildly until the mundane is exciting again. If that fails, I'll just start following politics and turn this into a political blog. Because the world definitely needs more political blogs.

If I Were a Handbag

**** Notice to sensitive eyes - Swearing ahead, but it's in tapestry, so I'm not sure if that counts ***

Earlier this work week I was just about to burst a vessel because I was told that I had to rework a perfectly fine document for a completely pointless reason. I'm not the kind of girl that likes to do things over and over again just for kicks. I'm crazy that way, I know.

Since my next-door cubicle neighbor, Amy, is a good friend and a sympathetic listener, she didn't mind that I kept interrupting her busy day to complain about how mad I was about it. She feels my pain, as only someone going through the same torture can. So when she called over the partition that she had the perfect thing to make me feel better I knew it was going to be good.

Maybe it was fate, or Karma, or something, but the day of my meltdown her purse-a-day calendar had this paragon of fashion to offer. It could not have summed up how I felt better:



To me, it is the perfect mixture of Kelly Bag style and Kiss My Grits attitude. I'm not saying that if I were a handbag that this one would absolutely be me; I'm way too complex to be defined by a single handbag. But it is absolutely running high in the polls. The classic glamour of a Kelly Bag, AND a sassy attitude? You have to admit, it's a pretty good match.

My Mental Health Day

Yesterday I took a long awaited mental health day. (BTW, who was the GENIUS that invented the Mental Health Day? Whoever he is, Einstein's got nothin on him.) It's actually been less than a week since I decided I needed a mental health day - but it feels as if it was long awaited because I spend my entire day at work watching the seconds stroll by as if they have nowhere in particular to be. And are just sauntering along like world-weary little sloths touring the neighborhood. So a week is roughly equivalent to an ice age. Give or take.

I'll confess though, my MH day wasn't entirely "I need a break from work" related. Stephenie Meyer's new book Eclipse hit the stores on Tuesday. This is the third in the Twilight Series and I've been waiting oh-so-impatiently for this book to come out for about a year now (or with my new time-counting system - about five millennia). If you're into Young Adult fiction and dare I say it - fantasy - then you must read these books. They are page turners. And I knew that once I started this book, there wouldn't be any breaks for things like eating or sleeping, hah! As if! So I said, "Perfect! I'll get it on Tuesday and read my little eyeballs bloody on Wednesday!"

And I did. And it was G-O-O-D!

629 pages worth of good. I finished at about 4AM. And I am here to tell you, having to go back to work today was about as much fun as sewing my face to the floor. But it was worth it - it was a lovely day off. So lovely in fact, that I'll probably do it again next week. Four day work weeks are just about my speed, right now.

Filling the Void

I just heard an interview with the author of this book, and he said an interesting thing. He said, "If you were to retire tomorrow, what would you do to fill the void? Whatever it is, that is what you should be doing today."

(His book is all about outsourcing your life ... work, cleaning, email, etc. ... so you can actually live your life. It's an interesting concept. I'm tempted to try it. For years I've claimed that I should have a personal assistant.)

His comment resonated with me because I find myself at a professional crossroads of sorts. My current job hasn't kept me busy or engaged for quite some time, and I've thought about going elsewhere ... but I'm not sure I want to stay in the same line of work. So I sit at the office all day and try to think of what it is I really want to do. Apparently I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's my age old problem of too many interests. There are a million things I'd really love to do. But can I focus on just one? And could I make a good living at it? How can I monetize the things I'm passionate about: reading, writing, music, fashion, and humor?

So now I ask myself, If I were to retire tomorrow, how would I fill the void? Anyone have any suggestions for me? I'm going to keep chewing over some ideas, but in the meantime, What would you do if YOU were to retire tomorrow?

The Product Management Training Follies

"You know who calls Technical Support? Power users and losers."

"In the word 'users' the L is silent."

"Your opinion, while interesting, is irrelevant."

My instructor/stand-up comedian will be down at the Improv later this week if you're after more.