Universe 867, Me 0

There are times when things are going along just swimmingly, and there are times when you step in the proverbial Cow Pat of Life. This week is nothing short of Craptastic.

A few examples, for your consideration:

Last Saturday I went to a Luau in an effort to get my flirt on. Things were going pretty well, until the helium balloons blew into the chocolate fondue fountain. (Yeah, it was that kind of party). Wanting to be helpful while cleaning up the mess I suggested just popping the balloons so they A) wouldn't blow into the chocolate again, and B) no one would run into them and get all chocolaty. So The Hostess held the balloons and I popped them - thereby splattering her white shorts with chocolate. I left promptly.

Later that evening I was meeting other friends in Old Town Alexandria, VA. It's a quaint and charming city, but one that is practically impossible for the novice to navigate what with all of the One Ways, No Turns, Do Not Enters, and such. I've known for years that VA is a nightmare to navigate. And so I should have known better than to venture into virgin territory. At night. I was practically asking for trouble. And I got what I (apparently) deserved: A ticket for making a left turn where there was supposedly a "No Turns" sign. I fully admit that there are times when I deserve to be ticketed. This was absolutely NOT one of those times. To add insult to injury I have to go to COURT to take care of it. That will be a fantastic day in my life, I'm sure.

On Monday, after a day of feeling grumpy, and hating any activity that was keeping me from curling up into a ball under my covers, I decided I should go to the gym and get some endorphins pumpin. So I drove to the gym and waited patiently for this moron to master backing out of their parking space. When they'd finally managed it, this little snot-nosed punk sped in from the other direction and took it, a la Fried Green Tomatoes. I didn't ram his car screaming that I'm older and have more insurance ... but I did scream, "Oh, YOU LITTLE SH*T!" and glared at him really really fiercely. He didn't care.

After the gym I felt a little bit better. I went to go find a Great Harvest Bread Store so I could have some bread for sandwiches (I'm picky about my bread, what can I say). I knew it was on Rockville Pike, but there are about 45 shopping centers up and down the Pike, and I wasn't quite sure which one had the Great Harvest store. So I drove in and out of them for 25 minutes, before finally finding it. Of course, it was closed.

At work on Tuesday I remembered that I'm interested in taking a writing class at the Writers Center in Bethesda. The website was down, so I said, hey it's only a couple of blocks from my office, I'll just walk down there (in the sweltering heat while wearing high heels) and get myself a catalog. Surprise, surprise! It was closed. Despite it being right smack dab in the middle of their advertised office hours.

Crossing a crosswalk (against the light, I'll admit), I see a car flying down the street. When I saw it I said, "So THAT is what a Bat out of Hell actually looks like!" Fast. Dark. And seriously bloodthirsty. This car had to be going 50 miles an hour through downtown Bethesda. It started honking about 1/2 block before it got to the intersection to let us know that it was NOT STOPPING. Nor would "slowing" be on the agenda. It was move, or be moved (presumably by her bumper). I was practically to the curb, so I wasn't as concerned about my life as I was about the 4 people who were behind me. I looked back to make sure they wouldn't be flattened into road pancakes when the driver flipped me off, pointed very POINTEDLY at her green light, flipped me off again, and continued to honk all the way through the intersection.

Today, I drove to work because I had an orthodontic appointment in the morning, and I was running late. A massive traffic jam only made me later. My normal parking lot upped it's price from $5 a day to $10 a day. I opted to park in a metered lot instead. But there weren't any "extended time" metered spots in any of the SEVEN parking lots I checked. So I've been running down to feed the 2 hour meter all day long. And now, just two hours before I am due to leave I went to go fill it for the final time. And I had a ticket.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can tell when the Universe is trying to get me. So you can quit now, Universe. I get it. You hate me. How about I just take a mental health day, stay out of everyone's way, and we call it even? That work for you?

All Hallowed Out

Oi, Potter fans! We've had a full week since the release the of the book. Plenty of time for those of you who plan on reading it right away to have done so. As promised, it's now time to discuss. (Don't worry, no spoilers ahead. But there are likely to be spoilers in the comments so tread carefully, you muggle lovers).

My favorite things about the book were:

1. I sobbed my EYEBALLS out. I'm not talking about just a lot of tears. I'm talking about vocal, shuddering, heart-wrenching sobs. It was fantastic. I love having a good cry while reading a book.
2. Even though I hadn't re-read the other books in preparation, I was still able to remember and keep track of most of the minor characters and magical objects that have appeared along the way. (v. clever to see most of them pop up again! At times, it felt like a curtain call. But in a good way.) J.K. did a nice job of reminding us what all of that stuff was without beating it over our heads.
3. I did not finish the book feeling traumatized. I felt good.

If you'd like to discuss it or tell me your favorite parts, please leave a comment below. I'm looking forward to hearing what everyone thinks!

High Society

In days of yore humans were hunters and gatherers. Now that we rely on the grocery store for the hunting, all we have left is gathering. So we gather. We associate, we counsel, we socialize. And that's how we got Associations, Councils, and Societies. duh.

Living in Washington DC really takes this to the next level. Every time I turn around there's some new "National Association for ..." moving into the office next door. The truly amazing thing about all of these Associations is their specificity. I continually find myself saying, "Can you believe there's an association for that? That's just weird!"

For example, if you would like to only talk to really really REALLY smart people then you should join the Mega Society - a group for people who can prove that they are 99.9999% smarter than the general population. No more will your discussions on the Hoyle-Narlikar Theory of Gravitation stumble into done-to-death references to Newton. That is like so 1965! If you're a member of the Mega Society you don't even have to bother to invite members of the One-in-a-Thousand group to join your discussion. One-in-a-Thousands are only 99.99% smarter than the general population. So the Mega Society is like Too Mega Smart for them.

The Mega Society is plainly 99.9999% elitist and .0001% ridiculous. And ridiculous things intrigue me. Since Associations are clearly a hotbed of silliness, I figure it's high time I knew more about them!

Flexing my Librarian muscle I decided to do a little research and see if I couldn't find the most preposterous Association name. (Using those hot muscles) I heaved the four large volumes of the Encyclopedia of Associations off the shelf and started browsing. I was looking to see how granular each section was likely to get. The short answer is "pretty damn granular". I could easily see why some things had associations. Hobbies, historical trusts, famous persons, those promoting work standards, and anything that might at some point need to be lobbied for I considered valid. But there were a few that seemed just too specific to garner more than a handful of members. And if your entire membership can be fed and watered on a six-pack and a bag of Oreos I don't think you really need an association. Do you? The entire research project made me wonder how much pull in society the following groups could possibly have.

• National Frozen Pizza Institute (membership entirely constituted by frat boys, of course.)
• Neckwear Association of America (note that this group deals specifically with ties. Not scarves or any other type of neckwear. Just ties.)
• Underfashion Club (for you pervs out there that want to talk about underwear all the live long day)
• Coalition for Non-Violent Food (its dangerous work, but someone's got to keep food from fighting.)
• Be Somebody, Be Yourself Institute (membership: 1)
• Parents Against Tired Truckers ('Bout time someone besides Smokey was against Truckers. Damn convoys.)
• Clutterers Anonymous; Messies Anonymous (no word on if you can have dual membership in Clutterers AND Messies Anonymous. But if so, I hope they give you a complimentary trash can.)
• Good Bears of the World (Sadly, this is about collecting Teddy Bears. I originally thought it was to help distinguish the Good Bears from the Evil Bears. A much needed service!)
• National Remotivation Therapy Organization (I'm thinking of joining this one myself, they promise to help motivate you. You think they could get me to the gym?)
• Butter Pat Patter Association (Must I point out that this group is not even dedicated to full sticks of butter? Butter pats, friends, butter pats.)
• Cow Observers Worldwide (aptly acronymed as COW)
• AAAA - American Association Against Acronyms (ok, this one is fake, but all the others are real I promise.)

And then I found The One. The Ultimate. The group that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that if this is a legitimate organization then any gathering for any purpose, however farcical, can be legally codified and bylawed.

And so, it is to you, National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, that I present the award for being my Most Favorite Ridiculous Association. You are the Yin to my Yang: I reject, and you accept. There is harmony in the world because you exist. And so, The Honor and (gratefully) The Fat is all yours.

Filling the Void

I just heard an interview with the author of this book, and he said an interesting thing. He said, "If you were to retire tomorrow, what would you do to fill the void? Whatever it is, that is what you should be doing today."

(His book is all about outsourcing your life ... work, cleaning, email, etc. ... so you can actually live your life. It's an interesting concept. I'm tempted to try it. For years I've claimed that I should have a personal assistant.)

His comment resonated with me because I find myself at a professional crossroads of sorts. My current job hasn't kept me busy or engaged for quite some time, and I've thought about going elsewhere ... but I'm not sure I want to stay in the same line of work. So I sit at the office all day and try to think of what it is I really want to do. Apparently I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's my age old problem of too many interests. There are a million things I'd really love to do. But can I focus on just one? And could I make a good living at it? How can I monetize the things I'm passionate about: reading, writing, music, fashion, and humor?

So now I ask myself, If I were to retire tomorrow, how would I fill the void? Anyone have any suggestions for me? I'm going to keep chewing over some ideas, but in the meantime, What would you do if YOU were to retire tomorrow?

The Reason I Have a Huge Grin on My Face

10 lbs of Freshly Picked Blueberries!
(Not freshly picked by me, of course. Let's get real.)

I froze 24 cups, and saved the rest to gobble hand over fist. Maryland doesn't have much in the way of really excellent produce ... but these blueberries ... MMMM! Can't get enough. I'll have plenty of frozen berries to use up, so if you have a favorite recipe, send it over. I'll post them on the Foodees site.

I'm hoping to start a new diet craze with The All Blueberry Diet. The idea is to eat as many blueberries as possible all day long. And Voila! Before you can say Doopity-Do you'll be Blueberryrific! It's been a success for me! Look at these results:


(Can't you just see Veruca saying, "Daddy, Why does she get to be such a gorgeous blueberry? I want to be a gorgeous blueberry too!" And Mike TV, of course, is totally speechless -- for once -- in the face of such radiance!) HA! Such a happy diet! Suzanne Somers eat your heart out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the Juicing Room.

PotterPalooza!

Tonight the Borders down the street from me hosted the second largest (after Borders in NYC) Harry Potter All Hallows Ball. Unable to resist a festival, I grabbed a sugarquill, a fresh roll of parchment, and went down to see the madness for myself.

Borders magically transformed itself into Flourish & Blotts by hanging a bedsheet above the door with the words "Florish & Blotts" painted on it. (If it's that easy, I'm hanging a bedsheet above my door that says "Buckingham Palace"). Perhaps the magic is in the stunning lavender "red" carpet leading into the store. Presumably all of this purple pomp is for the Wizarding Dignitaries that would be arriving to attend the All Hallows Ball. Folks like Merlin, and you know, Sabrina the Teenage Witch (pretty sure her schedule is wide open).

Other transformations were Ben & Jerry's into Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, McGinty's Pub into The Leaky Cauldron, and Marimekko into Madam Malkins Robes for All Occasions. Whole Foods was on hand distributing Butterbeer, which this young pirate(?) declared, "Not very good."


I took his word for it, and didn't wait in line. But I was still curious so I butt in to take a picture. You know, for journalistic purposes.


A little way down the street, the Ball was in full swing with this songster and his young Harry Helper who was rockin the jingle bells.


The street was crawling with Witches, Wizards, Muggles, Dumbledores, wand and glow stick distributors, and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Nameds. Here are but a few:





To look at these guys, you'd never guess that there were hundreds of people in capes parading by them all night. They are just that cool.


I'll be getting my book next week, and will probably fall off of the face of the planet for the few days it will take me to read it. We'll all discuss it then.

A Sucker for Lists

1. Were you named after anyone? No, not named after anyone. But my Dad wanted to name me Gertrude. Fortunately my Mom is the one in our family that appreciates the effects of childhood teasing, and she put a stop to that.
2. When was the last time your cried? Cry, cry? Like when I had a reason? I can't remember. I cry for no reason in particular all of the time. Like if a Hallmark commercial comes on, or if someone does a particularly good job on So You Think You Can Dance.
3. Do you like your handwriting? No. I consider my handwriting "impressionistic" - just giving the impression of what word it should say. I type at all costs.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey
5. Do you have kids? Nope.
6. If you were another person would you be friends with you? Heck yes!
7. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not really. I prefer irony, dry and on the rocks. Sarcasm is overrated, I think.
8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes. The only thing I've lost is my wisdom teeth. That was miserable.
9. Would you bungee jump? Oh yea .... that's on my Life To Do list
10. What is your favorite cereal? Peanut Butter Captain Crunch or Shredded Mini-Wheats
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Yes, because I double knot them. Otherwise, I'd probably kick them off.
12. Do you think you are strong? No. Not at all.
13. What is your favorite ice cream? Strawberry!!! Strawberry!!!
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Usually whatever I'm obsessing about. Right now it's Teeth (since I've got braces). But if I approach from behind I also check for visible panty line. I really hate VPL.
15. Red or Pink? Can I choose both? If not, pink.
16. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? Right now, my toenails because they really need a pedicure and I'm too cheap to go get one.
17. What do you miss the most? The days when I was busy and important at work. Good times, good times.
18. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Blue jeans, barefoot (staring at those horrible toes).
19. What was the last thing that you ate? Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms - perhaps the most nirvana-inducing, utopia-achieving food that has ever been packaged for the benefit of mankind.
20. What are you listening to right now? Lily Allen
21. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'm feeling a little aquamarine right now. But I'm not sure what my permanent color would be. Probably something in the orange family. Because it's warm, but unexpected.
22. Favorite smells? Freshly mown lawns. Herb gardens. Rain. And that buttery smell the heater in my car makes when it's heating up.
23. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My brother Kevin. It's his birthday. Happy Birthday Kev!
24. Favorite sports to watch: Motorcross! or any of the X-games, or those Strongest Men In the World competitions where they lift ridiculously heavy weights like cars or trains. Those are pretty awesome.
25. Hair color? Before I dyed it the last time it was a dark golden brown ... but I think it was starting to darken into a full fledged "dark brown". Hooray! Goodbye mousy hair!
26. Eye Color? Hazel.
27. Do you wear contacts? No - I have 20/20 and am SO thankful for it!
28. Favorite foods? Chicken enchiladas, Hot wings, a great Cheeseburger, hot dogs, instant mashed potatoes, and PIE - I love pie!
29. Scary movies or happy endings? Definitely happy endings. I can't even watch scary movie trailers.
30. Last movie you watched? Rented: Kinky Boots; Theater: Once
31. What color shirt are you wearing? Hot pink.
32. Summer or winter? Summer
33. Hugs or kisses? Kisses.
34. Favorite desserts? Pie. I love Pie.
35. What book are you reading right now? "The Penderwicks", but I just got Shannon Hale's newest book "Austenland" from the library, so I'm super excited to read that!
36. What is on your mouse pad? I don't have one at home - at work it's just plain black. I'm so boring!
37. What did you watch on TV last night? Actually nothing. But I watched 11 hours on Sunday, so I think I'm set for a while. (If you want to know what's going on on the Lifetime channel I can catch you up).
38. Favorite sound? A really good thunderstorm.
39. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.
40. What is the farthest you have been from home? Umm, I'm not sure. Which is farther? Cyprus or Chile? Probably Chile.
41. Do you have a special talent? I'm pretty good at coming up with creative skits or ideas. I sometimes think I missed my calling, and should be in a more creative line of work.
42. Where were you born? Loveland, Colorado. (Valentines Day is on a whole nother level in Loveland.)
43. What superpower would you like? Teleporting. I'd be so convenient for local travel.