Multitaskability

We are a nation of multitaskers. And I, in fact, am a master multitasker. I suspect this has a lot to do with my current "bored with life" status. If I had twelve things to do simultaneously instead of a mere 3 things to do all day, I'd be a lot more content. But when all pistons are firing, I am a multitasking machine! These are some of the things that I commonly multitask:

• Conference calls, email, desk cleaning, blog reading
• Eating lunch, reading newspaper, listening to music, eavesdropping on coworkers
• Showering, cleaning shower (This usually evolves into bathroom cleaning, and on special occasions can escalate to full blown naked house cleaning.)
• Brushing teeth, turning off lights around the house, checking email, getting a glass of water, ferrying things back and forth across my apartment (this is perhaps my most productive time of night).
• Driving, putting on makeup, practicing snarky comebacks, talking on phone, yelling at other drivers/pedestrians.
  

The list is endless. Basically, if I still have a hand/foot/eye/ear/finger/mouth free I'll add something to the currently scheduled program.

Of course, there are a few things that do require being single tasked. Such as:

• Driving, when a policeman is behind you
• Reading assembly instructions (trust me, if you try to fake this, somehow or other you'll end up with five extra screws and your cat in the dryer.)
• Ordering a sandwich at Potbelly Sandwich Works

Now, you might think that ordering a sandwich is a perfect time to do some multitasking. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. The tricky bit about Potbelly, is that even though there's some waiting involved, you could be asked at ANY MOMENT what you are going to order or what you want on your sandwich. You've got to be on your toes ... otherwise, you're mucking up the entire Sandwich Works. And I'm going to be pissed off at you.

So for example, if you were getting a sandwich today at one-ish in the Bethesda location, and you'd decided to read the Washington Post instead of keeping the line moving and deciding what you wanted, I would be pissed off at you. If, when you were asked what you wanted it took you 3 minutes to decide, well then, once again, I would be pissed off at you. If, after ordering, you decided to spread your newspaper out on top of the sandwich bar instead of proceeding along to the "fixin's station", well, it would be pretty surprising if I didn't rip that paper out of your hands and take you out back to teach you the hard way how to follow proper Potbelly etiquette.

I know you don't want me to be pissed off at you. No one wants that, really. And so I'm glad we've taken this time to define what is in and outside the realm of multitaskability. Just remember that if you think that getting a sandwich at Potbelly requires anything less that your complete and undivided attention, well, you better just be sure that I'm not standing in line behind you. Putting yourself between me and my food is never a place you want to be.

Becoming Depressed

I just watched Becoming Jane.

It was stunning.

But it broke my heart.

I had to listen to practically the entire Thriller album before I felt better. Thanks, Michael. I know I bag on you sometimes, but your smooth jams and sweet dance moves saved me from feeling thoroughly glum. I hate it when history isn't magically rewritten for the sake of a film. Yeah, I knew going in that the guy wasn't going to get the girl and it would technically be an "unhappy" ending, but man. That was rough. Anyway, I owe you one man. Carry on with the craziness.


P.S.
Despite what might seem like a bad review, I highly recommend going to see "Becoming Jane". (Unless you happen to be staring spinsterhood square in the eyes and can sometimes be a little sensitive about that. (Not all of the time, you understand, just sometimes like while watching a really romantic love story.) If so, just proceed cautiously and make sure there's a bakery or a mall close by.)

P.P.S
I almost forgot. The chemistry between James McAvoy and Anne Hathaway had me wanting to lick the screen too. That was fun. Go see it just for that!

My Mental Health Day

Yesterday I took a long awaited mental health day. (BTW, who was the GENIUS that invented the Mental Health Day? Whoever he is, Einstein's got nothin on him.) It's actually been less than a week since I decided I needed a mental health day - but it feels as if it was long awaited because I spend my entire day at work watching the seconds stroll by as if they have nowhere in particular to be. And are just sauntering along like world-weary little sloths touring the neighborhood. So a week is roughly equivalent to an ice age. Give or take.

I'll confess though, my MH day wasn't entirely "I need a break from work" related. Stephenie Meyer's new book Eclipse hit the stores on Tuesday. This is the third in the Twilight Series and I've been waiting oh-so-impatiently for this book to come out for about a year now (or with my new time-counting system - about five millennia). If you're into Young Adult fiction and dare I say it - fantasy - then you must read these books. They are page turners. And I knew that once I started this book, there wouldn't be any breaks for things like eating or sleeping, hah! As if! So I said, "Perfect! I'll get it on Tuesday and read my little eyeballs bloody on Wednesday!"

And I did. And it was G-O-O-D!

629 pages worth of good. I finished at about 4AM. And I am here to tell you, having to go back to work today was about as much fun as sewing my face to the floor. But it was worth it - it was a lovely day off. So lovely in fact, that I'll probably do it again next week. Four day work weeks are just about my speed, right now.

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

It was a little weird rubbing Erin's belly for good luck. But boy oh boy did it pay off! I just won a Neat Receipts Scanalizer from one of my fav new sites: Sk*rt! I love love love winning!

Sk*rt is crazy cool. It's like Digg, but with stories that I care about such as:

• Pretty Laptop Cases on Etsy
• How to Travel the World with 10 Pounds or Less
• Gene for Left-Handedness is Found
• Miss White Trash Pageant (no joke)

Seriously, this is important stuff. Sk*rt keeps me up to date on all of the really important things people are talking about. And they give me presents. So of course I like them!

Tomorrow I'll Be Calling Out Fat

It starts as a general feeling of discontent. I fidget. I cross my legs one way, then switch. I sigh. I look in the cupboard. Nope, nothing there. I check my email. Just spam. I look in the fridge. Nothing there either. I go back and sit on the couch and try to read ... but it's no good. I need something. I'm not sure what it is ... but I need it.

And then, from nowhere a whispering thought comes into my mind, "How long has it been since your last cheeseburger?"

"Too Long! Too Long!" I cry.

It's as if the clouds of my discontent are parted, and angelic light streams from the great cheeseburger in the sky. Of course! I need a cheeseburger. And fries. Lots and lots of fries. Oh, and a Diet Coke. Hooray!

Having finally pinpointed the source of my discontent, I practically fly to Five Guys, my burger joint of choice. And there I find satisfaction with my life as I eat about 4000 calories worth of burger joint food and finish a book. I'm glowing with satisfaction! It is close to perfect. In fact, the only thing that marred the experience was that Muzak played "Freebird" for what felt like 38 minutes. That song kinda sucks. May I never be caught requesting it at rock concerts again, even if it is just to be funny. If the band actually took me up on it, I'd be pissed that I'd wasted my request on crappy Freebird when I could have used it on something like "She's Like the Wind." Now that would be perfect.

Still Scratching My Head

Waiting patiently for the bus this morning, the oddest thing happened.

A homeless guy strutted up to the trash can on the corner, and very deliberately placed a baby's bottle full of what I could only assume was pee on the top of the trash can.

Not in it. On top of it. As if he were placing it on the mantle next to his Emmys.

Brimming with pride he turned on a dime, and without a word strutted right back across the street. It was obvious he'd just one-upped someone, somewhere. I could almost hear him thinking, "Awwww YEAH! Take that you summana bitches! I'll SEE your bag of poo, and raise you a baby bottle full of pee. That's right. A baby bottle. FULL. of. PEE! Yeaaaaaah- Boyeeeee!"

Incidents like this remind me how much I love my neighborhood. What? Move and leave all this? Not in a million.

U-G-L-Y, You Got Yourself an Alibi!

In my research on associations, I uncovered a society that definitely merits an entire post dedicated to it, and it alone. I won't waste my time coming up with clever witticisms about this association. The entry in the Encyclopedia of Associations says everything I could and more. Oh so much more. Before you read this, I just want to emphasize that I did not alter this entry in any way (except for removing the contact information.)

Uglies Unlimited (UU)
Founded: 1973
Members: 100
Description: Unattractive individuals who are vexed by discrimination against "uglies." Purposes are to: serve as the guardian of ugly human beings; encourage society and employers to accept people for what they are instead of what they look like; assist members in finding a new self-image. Solicits more exposure for uglies in mass media advertising ("Uglies can sell products too!") Pickets, boycotts, and files complaints with Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Conducts public awareness program. Holds Ugly Stick competition (prizes are awarded by a "select committee of washed-out judges of past beauty pageants.") Compiles statistics.
Awards: Ugly Stick
Frequency: Annual
Type: recognition Recipient: for promotion of discrimination awareness based on appearance. Committees: Ugly Stick competition Conventions/meetings: Annual meeting -- always October. 2007 Oct 23-27, Portland, OR. Avg Attendance: 50.

I'm already booking my ticket. My only question is, if you receive the Ugly Stick is it poor form to use it to beat the living hell out of the person that gave it to you? Because I have an inkling that would be my first impulse. I'm just sayin.